Black Days

Happy Holiday. 
Yay.  
Truth be told the only thing that I really wanted to do today was to drink myself into a stuper and then pass out.   But you know.  Adulting and all of that.  
So, instead it was some video games, a little bit of sleep and now back to work to clean up the mess of the day that others who spent the time with friends and family.

 
Only one week of class left and then the winter break. 
Which is going to be a loooong break for me. 
Financial aid never came through and being unable to consolidate the costs of summer means that I'm basically working to pay the interest on the summer expenses and rent.   A nice meal from time to time and movies at the discount theater.  
But hey, you do what you can.  
But school, unfortuantly,  will be on hold until I can pay the school for the current term.  
Hopefully I can do that before the costs go to a collections agency.  
Doubt it. 
But with the previous term unpaid for I'll never get the grades for the classes I took anyways.

Education : Pay to Win. 

Breathing and Stretching

Trying to find focus in these crazy times.

Trying to keep my grades up and largely failing. 

Trying to connect with other humans and largely failing. 

Kids my own age...ha. 

"So, how do you stay awake and largely focused on the tasks at hand?" 
Stretching, regulating my heart rate, staying moving physically and mentally. 
The only "drug" I'm using is caffeine.  And that has to be carefully regulated to avoid caffeine crashes.
Stretching to wake up the body. 
Trying not to get to warm or comfortable. 
Trying not to let my self doubts weigh me down and hold me back.

Recognizing when the nods are happening and letting the fifteen or so minutes take over to freshen  the focus. 

Finding litmus tests for myself to catch myself slipping and pull it back together.

"So spoiled."
"Shut your mouth"
"You don't understand."

Oh no, I get it. 
I get it much more than people think. 
That's...mostly the problem.
I open my mouth and speak truth and it's always going to piss someone off. 
So, I'll just let it run, and if I step on toes I step on toes.
 
You say "watch this" and the pieces move around the board and end up in nearly the exact position you said they would. 
And that scares people. 


One day I will learn to trust my instincts the first time rather than making myself run in circles chasing the same leads and having the same conversations over and over again.
But until that happens.
Until I learn to trust myself I'll be checking and double checking my work.
Verifying facts as I can.
Looking to more experienced individuals to provide honest and accurate information. 
But I'm rambling.  Trying to avoid sleeping to see how much worse it is for the brain space and getting facts in order than it is to catch the naps here and there. 

Kind of damned if I do, damned if I don't. 
Catch a nap and people think I'm taking advantage of...whatever. 
Self care and they think I'm being uppity. 
Utilize resources and they think I'm looking for a handout.


Either the folks that mean me harm will find me and do me harm. 
Or I'll succeed and end up pulling off the craziest hat trick in history.

We'll see though. 
I think I did okay on my Spanish test, but we'll see. 
I forgot a few words.
Math is next, test wise. 
We'll see if the number crunching comes as easily as it did a couple of nights ago. 

Still need to see a play to "inspire me" for my acting class.
Yay. 
It's not so much the money that's keeping me from doing it. 
It's the time. 
Trying to pull my belongings together, my life, take care of my body through this crazy experiment, and scrape together the money to pay bills and tuition has eaten up most of my time. Then there's the shows available.  Good lord, I know people at almost every theater in the valley and not many of them like me all that well. 
But what else is new. 
I'll have to get over it and go see a show eventually.

"But you're eating out all of the time."
Fuck off.
I've gone to bed hungry too many damn times to skimp on feeding the machine.

"I've never gone anywhere."
"I've never traveled."

Do it man.
Go, see, do. 
If you want to you will.
You have to be your own damned wizard.
And if no one wants to go with you, go by yourself.
There ain't no one out there that's going to come and do it for you.
That's the fairy tale.
And if you "can't afford it"  find a way. 
You can always find a way to work for it, trade for it, or make things stretch if it really means a lot to you. 

Okay...fragmented writing.
Jumping from topic to topic.
Fifteen minutes, a dose of caffeine, class, then fifteen more minutes and hopefully work keeps me busy enough to keep my brain active.  Then to bed as quick as I can get to it to recoup and do it all over again.

I will survive this term.
I will pass my classes.
I will pay for all of it.
Late maybe, but it will be paid for.

And I will run this stupid ass presidential campaign.
And if I get elected I'll do the damned job.

2020 is going to be a wacky ass year, that's for sure.
Even more wacky than my sleepless brain is writing out the gobeldygook.
Even more wacky than this last year and most of the rest of my life. 
Because in 2020 the kid that first saw a president and started setting up the chess board will be old enough to play the game at the big table. 
The question is, did the opening gambit succeed?
Or am I just loosing my damned mind?
More than likely a little of both.
Ah well, it's a hell of a ride.

Spanishing

Man, 
My struggle with the college level studying isn't so much going over the information and trying to learn the information.  It's figuring out what information to focus on and study that. 
I keep finding all of these side resources and things to help with work on Spanish. 
In Spanish, the class, we're learning muy gramatica.  But, I'm wanting to be able to hablas. 
So I'm finding things that teach me hablas over gramatica, but the focus of the class es gramatica at the moment. 
The other issue is that much of the vocabulary that I've picked up in my extracurricular studies is just now being gotten to in the class work and the vocabulary from class is just now being covered in my extracurricular. 
Gah!!

So.  Yeah, I'm struggling.  Also, with this last section I haven't had as much time to sit and study as I would like.  What I need is a study partner with a similar schedule to my own.  But working nights, doing myself no favors in making friends at work, and being as socially awkward as I am I just randomly spout contextually appropriate phrases around people that seem like they know Spanish and see if they respond with the appropriate answer. 
It's worked a little, and those that actually know Spanish that I've been saying "Buenos Dias" or "Como estas" too have been polite about suffering the bad accent and responding in kind. 

But, the extracarriculars and class work are starting to overlap, so if I keep on keeping on hopefully it all start to mesh and I'll be able to hold at least a kindergarten level conversation  in the near future.

Also, I'll be needing to study spelling more.  The online part of the class I'm taking is brutal when it comes to that and I'm constantly mucking up when to use accent letters and spellings based on the pronunciation of my weird accent that blends together spanglish, texmex, mexican, itallian, and latin pronunciations.  It sounds pretty, kinda, but it does not help with sounding out words for spelling. 

Other than that, classes are going decently.  I still haven't learned to slow down when it comes to doing the simple arithmetic in my math class.  Trying to blast through the "show your" work portions of the assignments and writing out equations about as fast as I read them.  Then transposing a number here, or forgetting to factor a coefficient there, or forgetting to flip the negative to a positive when finding GCF's etc. 
So, yeah, I'm picking up the way to show the work and not just jump to the answer, but my brain being so impatient to get to the answer keeps making simple transcription errors that flub up the whole damned equation. 

Ah well, I'll get it all together and hopefully have a good GPA at the end of the term.
Then there's acting class. 
Which as I'm slowly getting rid of the jitters of being in front of my class mates now have to meet up with another individual to practice a scene with.  Which, in this last week the one bit of rehearsal time I had they forgot about so...we ended up going into class at what felt like a cold read.  But hey, group projects,  Am I right?
Not to mention my social awkwardness and being unable to ask simple questions of like "when are you available" and then bulling ahead with how I see the way the script should be performed. 
To many years as a DM coaching players through character motivations and awarding/penalizing them for going with or against the character choices they made at creation and their overall goals for that characters career/character arc.   Which, again, is why I'm taking acting  classes.   Both to learn how to work better with other people and  how to let go of the reigns and let someone else be the director of the action. 
As well as learn to, well, act better.

Outside of that the research class I'm in is interesting and I'll be needing to sit down and actually work on the paper that will be my final before long.  The hard part won't writing the paper as it will whittling out the  personal exposition and focusing on the actual academic professionals of the subjects on the findings.  Well, that, and remembering to appropriately site sources. 
The digging for info and putting things together part... Well that's my jam, jelly, and peanut butter all slathered over a tall stack of fluffy pancakes.  I'll just have to remember not to spend too much time on that and remember to focus on the actual course work. 

Anywho, back to homework, studying my vocab and verbs, pecking away at my math problems and remembering to CHECK MY DAG NABBED WORK and not to rush through the simple arrhythmic to show how fast I can run an equation.  When there's no one watching me do the work, just checking the papers at the end.
That and giving myself the mental down time to run around in Destiny and dig into the lore....oh yeah and wreck some fools in the crucible. 

"Haha Guardian! More effort like that and we just might win this!"

Destined to Fail Math

I frigging hate doing math homework.
But I love doing math. 
How stupid is that? 

In high school I was kicked out of my math class because every time I was told to "show my work" I refused. 

At first the teacher thought I was cheating.
Then, when I walked her through my method in the sections we were working on she told me "That's not the part of the book we're learning." 
"Well I haven't read that part of the book, that's just how the numbers work out."
"Do it the way I'm teaching the class."
"No.  It's slow, it's stupid, and it's a waste of time."
"Get out of my class."
"Fine."


Next week.

"Hey, you need to take that pentagram off and turn your pagan shirt inside out. It's offensive."
"No he doesn't.  If you're going to use that logic then you need to have her take her crucifix off and turn that Jesus shirt inside out."
"It's not the same thing."
"It kind of is."
"How does this even effect you."
"Because we live in america and we have freedom of religion.  So either they both do or neither of them do."
"Get out of my class."
"Fine."
"Don't come back."
"It's a waste of time anyway."


So now, as an adult I'm trying to "relearn" the math I was kicked out of. 
Truth is, I knew it, forgot it because I wasn't using it, and am having a hard time reconciling the short hand that the teacher throws at us during class and then having to reteach myself with the book after class because the short hand doesn't stick.

Friggin broke down into tears working on this factoring nonsense because when I went to do it I just started writing down answers and was skipping the work part, then had to erase it all and start over. Then couldn't remember which version of the factoring I was supposed to be doing for that section of the homework and it's all so damned stupid.


I can't help it. 
I look at numbers, they go into my head like a blender and then the blender spits out a damned answer.  Sometimes in the numbers come out in the wrong order, more now than they used to because life happened.  But then I look at the numbers my brain spit out on paper and they go through the blender again. 
Then my brain goes "nope."  or    "yep"  And I keep working and reworking them until the blender says "yep" when it looks at them.
Though, usually the answer is right the first time and the second guessing to  make sure I "followed the proper method" is what fucks it up.

"Use the trial and error method and show your work."
Fuck...really?
It is honestly why I'm taking remedial math, again.
I took it a few years ago and didn't write a single thing down, did it all in my brain space just to prove I could.
This time, I'm trying to learn to show "my work"  or their version of the work, or however you look at it. 
It's hard to show how a blender works on a sheet of paper.
Most of my notes are half numbers or place holders so that if I get stuck I have a solid place to start from rather than all the way at the beginning. 
But then, this factoring nonsense. 
I understand I need to learn the foundations of how it's traditionally done to understand math I'll need to do later.
 But hot ham, seriously?
Between it being warm in the class room almost to the point of sweating this week, running on little sleep, I end up nodding off while waiting for the class to catch up to where I'm at in the practice work so that I can ask a question and verify that I'm doing it correctly. 
While I"m crunching numbers I"m wide awake. 
The moment I stop                                                                                                                                   My brain starts wanting silly things like "rest" and "sleep"

Honestly though, I should have started working on the math the moment I woke up, or last night before passing out.  But frankly, I was dealing with a lot of emotions, pain in the knees from moving the remainder of my belongings to the place I'm staying and feeling emotionally overwhelmed by how little space I have to work with and how much stuff I won't be able to fit into it.
That, even after I do sell of the collections and things that I'm willing to part with out of necessity of streamlining my belongings to the absolute essentials.  Hell, even my costuming stuff I've been wearing all through Halloween so that I can wear it all one more time before it ends up, more than likely, in the trash.
I can't sell it and it's all tailored.  So what the hell am I supposed to do with it?

So, box by box I'll have to go through it and sell, trash, or give things away.
While finding shelving to fit into the space that I have so that I can keep at least a handful of the books I spent my life curating.
I had bought shelves for all of these collections...but...well...yeah.

I'll do it, I need to do it.
It's either that or I just say fuck it and wander off into the woods and leave it to whoever wants it.
Which...honestly...as tired and emotionally wrung out as I am after the past week...doesn't seem so bad.

I picked destiny back up, which has helped a little.  Started streaming again, if for no other reason than to distract myself from curling up in a ball in the corner and crying myself to sleep as I've been getting a handle on this wackadoo schedule I've put myself on and my brain begins having time to reflect on life the universe and everything.

Running around on far flung planets "saving the universe" is a nice distraction from the train wreck that I call a life. But, much like real life, I go on these adventures solo.  Seeing fellow travelers and working with people for the mission, or for the match, then wandering off down my own path again.
Random observers watching my antics as I throw my thoughts and babbelings into the ether.

But hey, such is the life of a kid genius turned broken adult that spent their intervening years playing at being a super hero and stepping on the dicks of people that usually do the stepping.
Trying,and usually failing, not to hurt the people that I'm trying to help in the process
Either way, most people look at me as a crazy ass hole that they're only stuck talking to because they're being paid to for one reason or another.

And me, either with headphones in or running my mouth to avoid the ringing in my ears.  Both making me look like even more dickish, self entitled, and "he thinks he's better than us."
Then... over hearing the bullshit people say when they think I can't hear them.

Feelings?  Who has those? 

Yay.

Anyways, food, nap, then another stab at math, and maybe a little exploration of a haunted moon, then work.

Ouch, the Feels

Today was interesting.  I was in my acting class and the activity for the day was "Act out a time you felt like a hero with your group." 

Man, I thought about it and there are very few times in my life where I've actually felt that way.  I've done some crazy things, helped folks out of tight spots, hell even kept people from getting killed a few times. 
But actually feeling like a hero? 
Only one instance really came to mind.  Everything else felt necessary.  Felt like what you were supposed to do in the moment. 

The thing that came to mind for me was, well, was a time when I was facing a drugged and drunken dealer who was violent and ready to act that way.

I can't tell you where I was before.
 I can't tell you where I went after. 
What I can tell you is that someone got a call from their friend. 
Their boyfriend refused to get out of the car, had broken the windshield in their violence, and was...well in a state. 

That person that got the call turned to me and asked "can you help." 
My answer, was of course, yes. 
I always try to help if I can.
We pulled up, the girl was standing outside of the car trying to talk the man into getting out.  He was, refusing.  I came up and got his attention.  That's when time crystallized.

Angry he got out, nearly breaking the door off of it's hinges with the force that he kicked it open with. 

I waved the two away towards my car getting them out of his line of sight. 
I told him he needed to calm down.
He asked me why the fuck it was any of my business.
I just shrugged and said that he was making it my business. 
His hand went behind his back and under his shirt.
I stood, hands in my coat pocket.s. 
Cool, wet autumn air on my face.
I looked around to the gathering crowd and said he was making it a lot of peoples business.
His eyes darted furtively around. 
I asked if he was staying there, if this was where his room was. 
He nodded and his hand returned to his back and re tucked his shirt.
I told him, in a quite voice, that he should probably go sleep it off.
Maybe make sure he hadn't broke his hand.
He looked at me, his hand twitched towards his back again.
I didn't move, just smirked the way I do when I find something amusing.
I told him the girl was coming with me and her friend.
They got in her car and drove off as he headed towards his room.
I watched the door close behind him before I moved, then got in my car and went to a meeting point.
My hands only shook a little.

The weird thing is that during the scene in class my acting partner that was playing the part of the "boyfriend" was so convincing in her look and demeanor that the calm overtook me in that moment. 

When I told the class that I had been "undercover" they were all very confused. 
"Where are/you a cop?" The teacher asked.
No I answered and gave what I saw as my job description at the time.
A coordinator. 
All I can say is "Watch the Salton Sea" and maybe it will make a little more sense.
But rather than a trumpet playing husband I was a do gooder with a chip on my shoulder the size of a moon and a self preservation streak the width of a micron.
Never carried a weapon save for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter or two.

Out of all of the shenanigans I've gotten up to over the years.
Out of all of the things I've done in my life. 
Why did that make me feel like a hero?

Some of my classmates, as we were packing up our stuff and heading out, said nice things in the way of "encouragement?" "admiration?"  I don't know, my mind was still feeling the cold wind on my face.
My only response to their retreating backs in a voice barley loud enough to be heard was "Do not confuse stupidity for bravery."

My old wounds ached with memory. 
Tickling the depths of time and emotion as I felt the hole in my chest as though it had just happened.
Why did that moment make me feel like a hero?

Was it the chivalry of the moment?
Was it the calm, steely demeanor with which I handled the situation.
Was it that I convinced a drunken and drugged out angry kid that he should take a nap instead of doing something stupid? 

That, that right there, I think is it. 
Not that I was intimidating.
Not that I saved a damsel in distress.
Not that I busted a drug dealer.
None of that "heroic" nonsense. 

I felt like a hero because no one got hurt aside from a cracked window.
That I gave someone in a stupid situation an out.

Honestly, most of the other people in class where much more heroic than I have ever been.
Comforting others, saving lives, making others feel cared for.
All I did was stand there and accept the possibilities in a cold logical form. 
It just sounds "cool" because there was a gun and a drug dealer.

As "cool" as it all was it didn't stop the bullets that came later.

There is a difference about talking in front of a group who are listening and paying attention. 
Between pontificating about it on the internet and being braggadocios about the idiocy of my youth with people that aren't really paying attention or are skeptical. 
  "He was the drug dealer and criminal" sorts of thoughts plain on their faces.

After we completed our little play in class I stood there as we were given feedback uncomfortably hoping not to be asked any questions. 
Trying to avoid looking at anyone and seeing their reactions. 
Feeling more in my own skin than I have for awhile.
Feeling naked and afraid.
Not feeling like a hero, but wishing I had chosen something like saving a kitten or something more...normal.
Less...me.

Hopefully, when I do finally crawl into bed in seventeen hours or so that the nightmares from that time don't keep me awake.
That the banging, barking, and voices on the other side of  thin walls don't keep my heart pounding.  Don't keep the survival instincts kicked into overdrive and ready to run into what ever danger my mind perceives. 
Just exhausted, dreamless, unconsciousness,  that lets me wake up feeling...if not refreshed... at least rested enough to run myself to exhaustion again. 

For now, some food, maybe a nap, then some math to keep me distracted for a little while.

Double the Flavor

This weekend was a busy one.  Tons of homework, made myself do some streaming despite not having the time for it, and helping the roommates pull their house together so that we can all have work space and a clean and comfortable place to work on our projects.  Granted, we ended up skipping over the D&D session we had planned, but everyone was half asleep and tired as hell from our various activities so it it wasn't a huge let down.  That, and as the DM it gives me a little more time to read over the starter adventure I'll be running and doing some small modifications to in order to fit this groups back story and spring board into 5th eds current adventure. 

All of that aside I did treat myself to a couple of morning movies this weekend.  Starting with Zombieland : Double Tap. 

Was it good?  That's an interesting question. 
What made the first movie lightning in a bottle was that it struck right on the crest of the zombie wave of the late 00's that it's humor and atmosphere rode that wave like a Hawaiian surfer catching the perfect wave.
This second outing doesn't have that momentum, but it does do a decent job of wake boarding in the shallows.  Giving just enough throw back humor to cater to the fans of the original while not embedding it's self so much into the lore that those that hadn't seen it won't have a good time with it.
It's a zombie movie after all.  Zombies eat people, the survivors shoot them, jokes are told. 
There was fun zombie mayhem, and it actually got me to laugh out loud more than once.  Which, if you know me and what I'm like when watching movies, is a bit of a rarity. 

Arbitrary Rating : B
Zombie fun for fans of the genre, and accessible enough for newcomers to be able to giggle along at the outlandish mayhem.  Only lacking an A for failing to find it's own rhythm.


The second outing was Maleficent. 
Oh man. 
What a beautifully realized movie. 
The imagery, the character design, the costumes were all a visual feast.  The camera work, to give the sense of flight and scale from the larger birds eye view to the smaller view of a floating flower peddle were all utilized beautifully and gave a sense of depth and immersion that was only broken by problems that have plagued any movie blending CGI and live action.  Broken sight lines and not quite convincing physical interactions.  Though, arguably, as the art has evolved these things are more nitpicks by the eyes of someone looking for those things rather than something that would likely be noticed by the average movie goer. 

When it comes to the story of the film, I am a fan of the "Bad Guy, that's not really that bad" motif.  The lead women of the film definitely carried the film and turned in good performances all around.  The only real complaint I had from the story telling stand point was the dramatic tone shifts that happened regularly.  It would go from a raucous family romp to a dark commentary on war in the blink of an eye.  Feeling jarring.  Like they took two different movies with the same characters and mashed them together.  Or, rather, they looked at this beautifully gothic and dark piece and the suits said; "umm...we need to lighten this up a bit" and injected whimsical music and silly floofery at some awkward moments.     

Arbitrary Rating : B-
Beautiful imagery and engaging story.   Whiplash tonal switches keeping it from being either a family friendly romp or a dark gothic tale and settling into it's own.   

Twinsies?

I went to see Gemini Man this last Saturday. 
 I booked my ticket and made the plan before asking anyone else what they were up to. 

It's just kind of the way I've done things over the years.    You know, there is a plan, there is a goal.  Nothing will get in my way.  Which means I missed going to another pride parade and the people I invited to go with me to the movie already had plans.   But that's the things my intrepid reader.   My plan has always been the same.  There's been little deviation over the years. 

Be a Writer,
Watch Movies and Shows,
Play Games
Be a Super Hero. 
Be an Actor
Be an Astronaut.
Be President. 
Do the best job I can what ever the task.

So when it comes to how I structure my time and chase my goals it usually falls into one of these categories.   Obviously some I end up "stepping on dicks" when so single minded in regards to my goals.  But hey, whatever, they're my goals, not yours. 

Anyways, the movie.  Gemini Man.

I'm very conflicted about this movie. 
For one it was a technical masterpiece.  The action was beautifully choreographed, they were obviously using amazing hi speed cameras to capture every detail,  The CG was so seamless that even my trained eye was fooled more than once and it was only tiny tells in the way that a face moved or the physics of a persons motions didn't quite fit rational physics, but it was so close I was able to let it go and enjoy the beautiful dance that was the action. 

My complaints with the movie was in the writing.  It felt very much like it was written by a non English speaker that used google translate to translate it and then had the actors smooth out the dialogue real time. Which meant that the non action sequences of the film felt heavy and slowly paced.  Which is not a bad thing, but arguably, I felt that much of exposition could have been communicated through non verbal means.  The strength of the film being it's choreographed physicality and whoever the decision makers were should have had Ang Lee lean into that strength. 

You may be asking yourself why I included the introduction of my own personal life before leaping into the movie.
Well, for starters, it is my blog meant to be the text dump of my brain when I need an outlet other than technical writing or a place to post samples of things.  But also because outside of the stilted dialogue there was real chemistry between the actors of the film.  You got the sense that they understood their characters and their motivations.  And, "Henry"  I connected on a personal level, which is probably what made me stay through some of the more painfully plodding dialogue sections.  The whole, sacrificing ones personal life in order to do something for the "greater good", not truly understanding how to sleep at night, the avoiding of mirrors,  and the only real happiness coming from doing a task so well it feels second nature.

Final Arbitrary Rating
Solid C.
A technical marvel of blending choreography and CG but stilted exposition and dialogue broke the rhythm of the movie. 
Definitely a "It's Sunday afternoon and I need something on while doing the dishes" kind of movie.