Why you asking all these questions?

 "Jack folks have some questions about the languages you're choosing for the book."
"What about 'em."
"It's a fantasy setting right?"
"Meh."
"What does 'Meh' mean?"
"It means you'll have to wait and see."
"Okay...then why not use fantasy languages?"
"Because I like learning languages and if this thing blows up I want people to learn actual languages instead of some shit a white dude made up."
"Okay?  Then why the specific languages?"
"Because they are tied to where I came from, people I know, they reflect the resilience of people who's cultures 'history' tried to erase." 
"Players are saying the languages you've revealed so far are...am I getting this right? 
Tagalog
Cantonese
and Dine?   What is that?
"Dine` is the language of the Navajo nation."
"And you're using that for a people that live in tree towns?" 
"Yeah."
"Wait?  What?  I thought they're from the Southwest, aren't you from the the Kansas/Oklahoma area?  Neither of those places have anything with living in trees."
"As you said, it's a fantasy book and if fans, role players, cosplayers, want to play the characters they can learn the languages keeping them alive, then if they really want to learn the languages they can find the living people to teach them and learn their history through the stories." 
"And the trees thing?" 
"Like you said, it's a 'fantasy' novel'"
"So it's not a fantasy story?"
"...."
"Why won't you say."
"Because no ones' gone into the Temple yet."
"The temple?" 
"Yeah.  I've ran this scenario in five...six...different campaigns so far and either because the parties decided to go different directions, didn't survive the initial encounters because of hubris, or got bored building out their backgrounds the haven't cleared the temple yet."
"Why would they get board building out their backgrounds." 
" 'cause some people just want to roll dice and kill monsters and that's not what the game is about."
"But there are monsters, like Minotaur and giant scorpions?  Sounds kind a Greek  ?"
"Yeah."
"But it's not a fantasy story and they speak languages from places completely removed from one another in a place that has high technology alongside high fantasy"
"...."
"You're not as clever as you think you know."
"I know, but doesn't mean I have to make it easy." 
"So you didn't stop running the game then?"
"As long as the players show up during the scheduled hours I'll run the game."
"What about the new players.  They don't like starting at 1st level when there's already level 5 characters running around."
"Do the background work and they can level up.  Same as the other players."
"What does the background work have to do with leveling up in the game?" 
"Because the ending is already written, it's just a matter of getting there and I want to know what they want their characters are going to be in the 'final battle'.  The foundations for those skills, abilities, and what not are established in the background so that during the story it feels more like they 'knew' how to do these things but they never had to do it under pressure before.   That's where the leveling comes form.  Like coal being compressed into a diamond."
"But you've been ignoring people that have showed up when you're sitting in the worlds on game nights."
"...."
"Aren't you looking for more players?" 
"They haven't answered the question."
"What question?"
"...."
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like I smell bad." 
"Catch me during officer hours and ask again."
"Wait where are you going?"
"To work." 

Tears From Heaven

 "How you doing over there Jack?"
"Not good man."
"What's up?  You just booted a bunch of people and look like you're going nonverbal again."
"Yeah." 
"Got played again didn't ya."
"Yeah."
"You knew it was too good to be true when someone asked you out of the blue."
"Yeah."
"But you went along with it anyways."
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"...."
"What are you pointing at?"
"...."
"Someone else ripping off your ideas?"
"Yeah."
"You sure they are."
"Yeah."
"How can you be sure?"
"Timing."
"You thought friends were doing something nice for your birthday didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"That's why you hate your birthday isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Because it's always about everyone else and what they can get out of the party?"
"Yeah."
"Are you going to finish the story?"
"It's already done."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"But you don't have a script and the manuscript isn't done yet."
"That's the easy part."
"Then why are you giving up."
"....."
"You're pointing again."
"...."
"Oh...I see.  You think because they already have millions in kick starter money and teams of artists and social media people that it's not worth finishing the manuscript." 
"Yeah."
"So why did you go along if you knew it was a setup?"
"Because..."
"Because why?"
"Because I wanted to finish the story." 
"And it's finished?"
"Yeah."
"Is there anything left to do?"
"Math."
"Math?"
"Yeah."
"What Math?"
"How long."
"How long what?"
"How long the ship traveled."
"What ship?"
"...."
"You're not going to say are you?"
"No."
"Why not work with the people that seem to be doing it already?  It would be easier that way."
"Because they're white."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"To many white stories.  I don't want to tell white stories.  White people have to many stories already." 
"You don't trust white people?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"...."
"You're pointing again."
"...."
"That's 'Gone with the Wind.'" 
"Yeah."
"Is that why you're struggling to find a team."
"Yeah."
"Because you don't want to work with White people."
"yeah."
"You're going to have to."
"...."
"Why are you grinning like that." 
"...."
"Stop that, you're weirding me out." 
"...."
"What?"
"White people are the bad guys."
"Is that the big reveal."
"No.  That's pretty obvious."
"So what's the big reveal?"
"...."
"Come on, tell."
"Pay me."
"Damn it."
"Yeah."

Pride and Destiny

Dear Sony, 

As you know 
Destiny 2 is ending.  

Destiny. 
Because of mismanagement on both sides of the line, Destiny 3 is no where to be seen. 
The community wants to rally in one week. 
Reset day. 
Arguably the final reset day. 
I find myself lacking the F.O.M.O. to join.  

I started my journey in Destiny solo.  
Playing catch up to friends.  Only to catch up and find out they were not the people I thought they were.  
So I moved on, went back to work, played other games. 
Destiny 2 came along and I started that journey with people that I thought were my friends. 
But here I am 9 years later and they too were not the people I thought they were. 
So I played solo, checking in with people from time to time trying to build a team to run the hard stuff. To compete in the raid races. 
To explore the universe with. 
And they, too, were not the people I thought they were. 
Then during the Pandemic I was approached by a random person one day.  
Someone that had a Lore based clan.  
That was rare. 
Clans being groups and teams with specific goals and purposes. 
Their goal was to get A title. 
Curse breaker.  

I said.  
"I'll help with that, but if I do. I want to build a team to do that kind of thing on the regular.  A team that helps people where others wouldn't. A non toxic alternative to the gatekeeping so prevalent in LFG culture. Only had 3 real rules for it. 
"Don't be racist, misogynist, or a bigot."
"Leave the toxcicity at the door"
"Don't cheat."
I was ten toes down on those rules.  Everything else would come in time if we built community up right.
Well, then came the bigots and I stood ten toes down defending people I counted as friends. 
And the community let them tear down what we had built, moved on, and left me holding the bag. 
So I started over. 
Tried to build a team, to teach people the hard content, to give them the skills to stand on their own, and to lead their own teams into new raids and dungeons. 

When the time came to do the hard work.  
To lead the way. 
They cheated. 
exploited. 
And copied other teams work instead of solving the puzzles themselves. 
So I just stopped. 
Stopped caring. 
Stopped working for them. 
Stopped supporting them. 
I stopped logging in. 
Stopped playing along. 
Stopped writing the stories about their guardians. 
Stopped sending money to replace their hardware or picking up other games for them to practice their skills in and hone their team work. 
Stopped managing the server. 
And when the toxicos started to show up that they brought thru the door I told them they had to clean their own house. 
And in the end?
I removed the toxicos myself, without explanation. 
Then I removed the cheaters without explanation.
Then, the ones that where left removed themselves and without explination.
And I moved on, to another project because I refuse to poor myself into communities that don't appreciate it anymore.  
Refuse to work for free building up communities for companies and groups that don't appreciate the work that goes into it.
Refuse to pay people that either didn't understand the assignment or did but didn't care enough to do it. 
Especially when I'm working on, literally a shoe string budget. 
Eating Ramen instead of Steak so that I would have the resources to support the community.
Paid out of pocket for everything myself, without the backing of a studio or company.

And with what the larger community is doing now?
They watched as the suits put their knee on the neck of the dev teams and creatives that poured themselves into the game despite the abuse that most of the community flung at them. 
And now that the body is going cold on the street they want to send thoughts and prayers to those very same teams that became jobless because of it. 
They continue to play Call of Duty and support the companies like Activation who created the culture that destroys such unique games. 
The suits behind the bean counters looking at their profit margins, not disappear... just not be unprofitable over the long term.  Their bonuses not be as high as they'd like while they continued to bring in salaries that tripled that of the hardest working coder. Then turn around and pretend that they didn't put the money that should have went into the dev teams and community into their own pockets. While, with full pockets, full bank accounts, and retirement plans that would make Midas blush said that the creatives didn't create enough, the community wasn't engaged enough.  Turned them out on the street when the profits that should have covered the short term slumps became cars, and art, and stock options instead of grocery money and residual payments for the people on who's backs these were built?

So yeah Sony.  

You going to let me put d3 development? 
Are you going to let me hire the team to build it?
Are you going to let me Unionize the teams so that they have a way of pushing back when the suites start to take advantage?  Start to steal from them? 

'cause that's the thing Sony. 
It's pride month. 
And that's the one thing that I and the various communities I built were able to carve out. 
A place where Pride was celebrated. 
A place where people refused to have a knee on their neck. 
A place where young people were safe to be themselves and were taught the critical thinking skills to build their own communities and how to handle the trolls and groomers and bigots that are so prevalent in other gaming communities. 

Don't believe I can do it? 
Look at the success of FFIV, Cyberpunk, No Man's sky, Fallout 76. 
They stuck to their guns despite what the suits had them do at launch. 
Continued to build the games they promised despite community backlash and C-suits pushing things out the door too soon. 
Hell, I think you even backed a couple of those. 
I know for a fact that the spider verse has been holding up their end of the bargain. 

Are you ready to hold up yours?
Because I'm hungry and ready to cook. 
I'm tired but nap when I need to. 
I'm sick, but still have time left.

So yeah Sony. 
Time to put the money where the mouth is. 
Time to build the next chapter. 
And this time.  
With me in the room. 
Instead of playing telephone and watching ya'll fumble what Live Service is supposed to mean and putting the wrong teams on the wrong projects. 
Can't say that last one is in your court. 
After all, you didn't put rocksteady on the Suicide Squad game.
Didn't try to turn simple multiplayer games into "Destiny Killers" 
All I'm asking is for a seat at the table. 
To represent the workers interest. 
And for ya'll to keep doing what you do. 
Make some bad ass hardware and let the creatives create for it. 
Otherwise I take Spidy and walk. 
Don't want to play that card.  
But you know I can.  

Your Move. 

Love
Jack. 

Out of the Shell

"Hey Jack, how's the D&D going?"
"It's not, hit the same snag it does in almost every other time I've run a game."
"Oh?  What's that?" 
"Players don't trust me to run a balanced game and the moment I actually enforce the rules that were explained from the start people think I'm being too harsh." 
"not going to give on this one?"
"Nope.  I've given enough already."
"So what's the plan?"
"Delete the group in VRC if no one wants to keep playing, probably delete the discord server since I'm the only one that really posts in there, and move on with my life."
"Even after all the work you've put into it?"
"Man.  I do this work all the time.  With no recognition or credit given.  It's nothing new,  I just made the mistake of letting people peek behind the curtain." 
"So what?'  You go non verbal again and give up on socialization?" 
"I mean, yeah.  Being verbal, open, and honest has just gotten me spit in the  face so many times."
"Have you tried being more likeable?" 
"Fuck off." 
"Hey, why are you attacking me?"
"Look.  I'm Autistic and Nonverbal most of the time.  The only reason I learned to speak as well as I do is because of this right here.  Learning to write and then reading it out loud.  Just because I'm able to speak on mic now doesn't change the fact that until the Pandemic I only started speaking on mic because I was going stir crazy and it was the only way I could talk to anyone about video games and what not.  That speaking on mic was absolutely terrifying.   That I had full blown panic attacks for the first six months of raiding in Destiny any time I had to say anything or do a callout."
"So what, you give up and go nonverbal again?" 
"Dunno. Probably."
"So you're just giving up?"
"Na dude.  That's the one thing I don't think I know how to do.  Withdrawl, recover, and move forward.  But as many in my past have learned, once they loose my trust Id on't look back."
"You can't keep cutting people off like that, they'll run out of people."  
"There's still plenty of people ahead of me in the games I want to play in, and if someone really wanted to earn my trust back they'd have to work their assess off to catch back up.  Because I'm slowing myself down anymore.  Every time I've tried to do that I ended up getting hurt physically, emotionally, or both." 
"So what?  You're telling people to lead, follow, or get out of the way/"
"Pretty much, because according the stats I'm at the half way point.  And with all the injuries and shit it's probably more than half way." 
"So your'e having a midlife crisis, is that the issue?""
"Look, some dudes buy sports cars and date 20 year olds.   I bought a computer and am trying to leave gaming spaces better than how I found them.  Sure, you can call that a midlife crisis, or you could call it me sticking to a mission statment I set decades ago.  If anything, the only 'crisis' i'm having is refusing to let people be disrespectful to me anymore and maintaining boundries that I should have been able to my whole life instead of only discovering that I actually could in the last few years."
"So you still going to just delete it all and start over gain?" 
"I fall, I get up. I dust myself off.  Make sure nothing's broken and keep going.  I'll write and rewrite and rewrite until it get's picked up."
"Shouldn't you finish it first?"
"Honey, I write the ending first every time and work backwards from there.  The rest is just filling in the holes and tailoring it to fit the budget." 
"you're accent's coming out Jack..."
"Oh yeah....that means I'm about to be the whole ass problem." 

The Camel and the Straw

It's funny. 
I thought I'd be more upset after the whole thing.   Removing everyone from the server that broke the rules.  
They were pretty simple.  
Help eachother achieve goals. 
 No hard carries.
No exploits.
Blind run new content and hunt the secrets.


"What's a hard carry?"
"Ah, someone not contributing to the activities.  Either sitting in the corner not participating or refusing to help with game mechanics when it takes a team to do it.  Sure there are people out there that can solo content but if I wanted to solo content I'd just play single player games.  Which I often do."
"So you just booted everyone out?""
"Mostly.  Some left when they realized other people had been removed. But I didn't enforce my bounderies for too long and people got used to crossing them. The one title I never earned was Sword Bearer.  All because of a challenge to get it done required focused team work. I know a couple people that lucked out with LFGs to do the challenge but I'd done more than enough time in those trenches trying to pull people together team.  To build a group taht wanted to do the hard stuff.  That I thought if I asked for help with something that required a team they'd come together for it. But in the end, they didn't.  Hell, I was left hanging so often thinking I'd done something wrong.  When the truth of the matter was, they got what they wanted out of me and left me on read when I asked for help."
"So what now then?"
"Well, there's a couple folks that wanted to play D&D that I'm running a game for in VR.   I didn't think I'd ever want to play another rpg like that, let alone run one, but here I am doing the thing.  It got me writing again, which is a whole different animal all together.  I always knew I'd write.  Can't really help it, it's the only way I really know how to organize my thoughts."
"Do you have a goal in mind for that?"
"Yeah show my chops, maybe get paid in the end."
"Paid how?"
"Well my tip Jars have been open this whole time thinking that if I worked hard enough I might end up with something in them, but with the whole Destiny thing I just felt like I was paying people to game with me instead of the other way around."
"You expected people to pay you to play a Video Game with them?"
"Na, I hoped people would pay me for the writing.  For the editing, for the work I did.  But why pay somebody when they're already doing it for free right?"
"Aren't you afraid that's what's going to happen with this D&D group?"
"Yeah, at first."  
"What changed your mind?"
"The fact that I was motivated to write again.  That this story that's been rattling around in my head for so long is finally getting the holes filled, the loose ends tied off, and words to paper for it.   Even if nothing comes of it I at least finally wrote the story."
"What's missing?"
"Well, I wrote the end.  Which is where I usually start.  I"ve outlined the major beats, written exerpts and built the lore.  Now it's just a matter of fillin in the missing pieces.  Making sure the way I present things makes sense, is grounded, and pays homage to the insperations rather than just being a copy of a copy of a copy." 
"How much work have you put into it so far?" 
"Well...Since I started? Nearly every waking hour I'm not writing on this blog or doing chores around the house.  Hell some days I go strait from the bed to the keyboard or into VR for insperation and research."
"Think you'll something will come out of it in the end."
"I hope so.  I don't have anything else left.  Just a bunch of toys no one wants. Some comics and cards I could probably sell if worse came to worse.  Which it looks like it is. And I haven't even had the time to read the comics yet."
"Didn't you already sell your comics off once?"
"Yeah, most of them, all of the ones from mmy child hood.  Gave up my reaserarch library.  All of the paperbacks and novels I spent my allounace on as a kid.   Hell, the only reason I have any of the stuff I do now is because I stopped drinking and started taking better care of myself.  But people don't like Sober Jack because Sober Jack doesn't hide the pain from them.  Sober Jack doesn't laugh off the fucked up jokes that aren't really jokes."
"Do you ever miss it?"
"What?"
"Drinking, partying, going out with people."
"No.  Hell I didn't even like it when i was doing it.  I just thought I had to.  Often was forced to.  I'm perfectly comfortable with my own company.   Mostly."
"Mostly?"
"Yeah. I've always been made to feel lazy, like I wasn't working hard enough.  that if I just worked a little harder then all my dreams would come true.  So I did. Got up earlier than every body else, trained harder, studied more, last one to go to bed but I realized over this last year, working on a broken hand and foot and still keeping up with everyone else.  That it didn't matter how hard I worked because as long as I worked that hard for free no one was going to pay me for it."
"So you're not working for free anymore?"
"Na, just part of who I am.  What I'm not doing for free anymore is hurting myself.  Pretending I"m okay to make people feel comfortable."
"So what's the plan then man?"
"Write.  Edit. Write some more. I've got about a weeks worth of food and water left.  Maybe less depending.  So I'm going to write until I run out."
"then what?"
"Fucked if I know.  Starve again probably because the banks aren't budging and I'm out of stuff to sell that anyone would want to pay anything for.  I don't have the materials to craft anything to sell.  And hell, even if I did I don't have a place to sell 'em so...."
"So what? You just give up?"
"Apparently because not giving up hasn't gotten me anything but taken advantage of. I live in a place that where I'm not valued as a person, where my writing is nothing someone couldn't just have an AI spit out for them as I've been reminded of over and over.  So yeah. Maybe I will just give up.  I've tried everything else."
"You're just feeling this way because of what time of year it is."
"Probably, but it doesn't make any of it less true."
"Well, you do have a ..."
"Shut the fuck up.  I don't want a pity party.  I want stability, the ability to support myself.  A way of paying my bills and rent that isn't going to keep destroying my body." 
So you write?"
"So I write." 

Ear on the Floor

I'm starting to understand how Van Gogh felt.  
Why he would cut off his own ear out of madness. 
It's beeing driven to paint in his case.   In mine being driven to write.   And endless stream of thoughts and ideas that flow through my fingers and out into a world that doesn't listen. 
And with the way the world is, the way that life is going.  The way the corporations take control of art with thei AI models and blantent theft all of this writing I've done,  all of the stories I've created will end up just disapearing into the ether. 
Seeing it taken and mutated into something that doesn't even convey the same emotion and feeling that was behind it's creation. 
I understand on a logical level that art is shaped by the viewer. 
That once it leaves an artists hands and is put out into the world it becomes something else. 
But as I sit here, yet again, working round the clock on projects that will probably just be stolen from me the way all the rest have I ask yself why keep going? 
Why keep trying? 
Why keep writing?
I poor everything I have into these thigns.  
My time, my energy, my resrouces. 
My sanity. 
And every turn.  
Every time I think I hae something to work with.  
Something to show for it I see people already there.  
Making a living doing what I was made to believe was a waste of time. 
Gatekeeping with one hand and robbing with the other. 
Some days the only thing that keeps me going is the writing. 
It's not a question of "Can I write something?"
It's a question of "Will I write?" 
And right now. 
As i type this, wishing for nothing more than to get some rest...some sleep but unable to because I don't know how i'm going to replace my tools as they continue to break.  How I'm going to refill my pantry as it dwindles yet again. 
Refusing to take a hand or call in debts that are owed to me.  
A part of me holds hope that there is some sort of justice in the world.  That I'll get to see it. 
But as the days turn into weeks and the years pass me by.  
The little flame of hope that keeps me going gutters in the breeze. 
A poet. 
A story teller. 
A singer of songs. 
Screaming into the void until my voice is raw and my heart in pieces. 
And only hearing silence in return. 
Yet still. 
I write. 
Because that is what I am. 

The Fires of Truth

"You ready there Jack?"
"Like a bull in the shoot with a nervous rider." 
"You scared?"

"Not even remotely." 
"Going to have to come out eventually." 
"I already did."
"Out of the basement troll."
"I'm just doing what Grandma told me to do."
"What's that?"
"Mind my business, spend $20 bucks on something that makes me happy, and celebrate my birthday all month." 
"What did you spend your $20 on?" 
"A portal effect that makes a black hole when I appear or disappear and sitting on the other $10 for if something else cool comes along." 
"Aren't you bored?"
"Na.  Believe it or not I actually like myself.  Moments of doubt certainly, especially when thinking about the past, but I'm perfectly happy down here with my cats."
"Is it everything you hoped?"
"I mean, close, but not quite." 
"How so?"
"I'd prefer to be doing the same thing in a cabin on top of a snowy mountain or a shack on a beach, but ya know.  We don't get everything we want in live, but we do get what we need." 
"Need anything."
"Just my heart back."
"Where's that Jack?"
"Safe last I checked."
"When was that?"
"Mind your business." 
"Whoa...I've never heard your voice like that before."
"..."
"Is your eye twitching?"
"What were we talking about again?"
"...ummm...your birthday?"
"Oh yeah, I hate that thing?"
"Why?"
"Because it always falls on or around Memorial day, and as I've gotten older it's just gotten more poignant. How can I celebrate my own fortune when there are so many empty seats at the table.?"
"Plenty of people that would fill those seats you know?"
"I know...but..."
"No buts."
"Listen. I have the rest of my life to pat myself on the back and be congratulated for not dying and being a self centered ass hat."
"You're going to have to do interviews"
"Yeah, I know.  That's what the VR is for. to Prep me. talking to people, answering awkward questions.  You know, like a flight sim for a pilot." 
"Why aren't you helping out more around the farm and such." 
"I'm on strike, pretty simple."
"Why on Strike?"
"Because they weren't listening and listening to them was doing me more harm than good." 
"So where you going first when you finally emerge from your stinky ass room?"
"Yeah, it is getting pretty dank in here. After I scrub and disinfect everything though, the next county commissioners meeting to slam my dick on the table."
"They aren't the same commissioners  that destroyed the farms Jack."
"Sure there bud"
"You know you need their approval to rebuild the farm."
"I mean, yeah, but I ain't going to ask." 
"Calm down there Jack."
"I am calm."
"Why are you scarier calm than worked up?" 
"Because when I'm worked up I'll walk away, when I'm calm I'm ready to fight."
"With your words I hope."
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
"Why not the bank, or the accountants before the commissioners?"
"Because I'm not going to sink everything I got into a Project I can't get approval for.  Last thing I need is saddled with loans that aren't going to get paid back or employees that I can't pay." 
"What happened to Grandma's philosophy of 'It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission'? "  
"I've already forgiven myself.  Hardest thing I've ever done. And I won't beg for forgiveness from people that do not wish to give it.  It's not my right to invalidate their feelings." 
"So you're just going to sit there then? Playing in VR and doom scrolling?'
"Writing, remembering those that won't be there when we finally all sit around the table, getting the anxiety under control."
"Who's we Jack?"
"The Guild."
"Which Guild."
"My guild.  Did I ever tell you where the name came from?"
"I think so?  Calvin and Hobbes right?"
"Yep."