One of the things that keeps me up at night are the sacrifices I've made over the past few years. By way of friendships, by way of loved ones...by way of time.
The thing about being a person that will do anything for anyone is that many people do not know what anything really means.
I have a job.
A self appointed one, but a job none the less.
One I volunteered for almost twenty years ago now and it is yet to be done.
Not because of lack of doing or not doing but because jobs like this take much more than a weekend or a couple of weeks to accomplish.
The thing about this job is that it has required a lot of research and a lot of digging into things that people don't want dug into. Asking questions that people don't want to answer. Bringing into the light things that many people would prefer to stay in the past because it makes the present easier.
But the thing about doing the job, solving the problem, is finding the roots.
The world we live in is an ever growing, ever branching tree. Intertwined branches sprouting a myriad of fruits and a leaves. The thing about this tree is that it started as many different seeds that grew together over time.
Many think that doing the job and solving the problem means ripping the roots of one of the seeds out and that it will remove the rot, or the undesirable parts. But to rip out one set of roots, as one examines further, will find that it hurts and damages the tree as a whole. Will create a void within in the structure and system and will cause the Tree to fall.
The thing that will see the job done is not removing, but directing. Propping up some branches so that they can get better light, taking the fruit of some to help feed and reinforce new growth, while trimming the limbs of other sections to allow for healthy growth to occur.
A few years ago I was faced with a choice.
Rip my heart out and see the world safer for it and maybe be able to get my heart back later
or
Keep my heart where it was and let someone else worry about the problem.
The decision I made was to do the job.
Whatever that meant.
To see the task done and maybe be able to get back to the life I loved after it was done
Or die trying.
The reason I chose to move forward, to put everything on the line is because the people in my life didn't know how or didn't want to help with the job. And this job, as it is, will never make me rich or famous. In fact the more recognition I receive the more dangerous it becomes....
Which makes it understandable as to why people are hesitant to work with me on this.
Already, as things move forward I see the deaths of people that could have been prevented.
People in harms way just because they are choosing to walk on the right path and that is a risk that they and I knew we were taking.
But even though it has grown harder than many could have imagined and gone in directions that I, and others, only feared it would there are things about it that are giving hope.
Long hardened enemies starting to see eye to eye as situations become clearer.
Tasks that many thought could never be accomplished being completed because good, hardworking, people are showing that the impossible is only impossible if we believe it to be.
I'll be honest. It is hard to keep my hopes up sometimes. Living in the isolation that I have over the past couple of years. Feeling the dull ache where my heart used to live and not even knowing if it is still safe or not.
But I keep on.
I keep searching, keep working, keep developing.
One thing that gives me hope though is that there has a been a earth shaking shift over these past few years a months.
One that has torn back a veil of secrecy and fear and shown the world in all of it's horrifying beauty.
A shift that has been both painful and cathartic and even though it is hurting and hard for many now it will get better. A wound that was under a rotting bandage finally being cleaned, stitched, and properly covered for the first time in over a hundred years.
As anyone that has recovered from injuries and had to go through rehabilitation can tell you, the healing can hurt worse than the injury in a lot of ways. But if we are willing to endure the pains of healing then we will be stronger and better prepared for when such pains if they come again.
After all,
"We are in the business of breaking generational curses."
"That's why things do not come easy for us."
"We are who our bloodlines have been waiting for."
"Do not give up."
"We are almost there."
"We are geared for this."
"It's okay to not be okay."
"Do not give up."
"You are seen."
"You are heard."
That's the hard part sometimes.
Remembering that even in isolation that we are not alone.
Remembering that there is a goal and that it is within reach.
And even if we do not get to fully enjoy the fruits of the labors we do know that things will be a little better than how we found them.
Stay Safe
<3
