Rejected Invoices

Alright.  
So. 

Realiity time. 

A person with medical and disability needs.  

The hospital is an hour on the bus plus the walking between destinations and stops. 

I do not own a vehicle. 
I have not owned a personal vehicle since 2004. 

Do I want one?
Yes. 
Can i afford one?
Not without going further into debt or taking on debt.  

See, I lived without credit cards or debt for about 12 years.  

Then I my wife put full name on a debt card without my authorization. 

Since then, I've questioned every financial transaction that has happened between us and the people attatched to her.  

Much like when she gifted me the 360.   
I stated, I do not want a big deal made of my birthday.   A small, quiet, dinner with a couple of friends maybe, but no big things please. It makes me uncomfortable. 

Instead she organized a birthday party, conviced our friends to chip in for a new game console and to bring gifts of their own.  

All of the things I didn't ask for and spent the whole time fighting between feeling cared about and feeling like the extravagance was just too much. 

but, as she told me "birthdays aren't about you, it's about everyone else." 

And I was like "Yeah, well, everyone else can talk to me the other 364 and 1/4 days in a year, I do not like celebrating me." 

Quiet dinner with a friend, that's it. 
Nothing fancy.
Hell, dinner can be milk and cereal.  

that should have been my first warning.  
But....when you're wearing rose tinted glasses red flag flags.  

Now.
I can't even get a car loan if I wanted to. 
Can't get a home loan. 
And the work offerings do not offer to pay enough to cover the costs of living or even come close to touching my medical needs.  

 I can go to work for the offered wages and loose the medical coverage that is currently making sure that the duct tape and bailing wire holding me together is still doing it's job.  

Or I can keep taking care of myself while what few resources I do have go into keeping the roof that is over my head over my head. 

It's kind of a catch 22. 
 I go back to walmart or what ever part-time / non benefits job offers that end up on my table and continue struggling to care for myself while not making enough to pay for housing and/or medical needs.   Just enough to get back and forth, a little grocery money, and the utilities.  Requiring me to subsidize through state aid.  

Duty and Loyalty

One of the reasons I was leary of President Trumps campaign in 2015/16, aside from that absurdity of it it at the time, was the Loyalist mentality.  

When getting into government work, not politics, but governemtn work the loyalty should be to the Constitution, the community you represent, and the beterment of the Nation/state/county/city/town of the community as a whole.  

I have a bet that  one of the major factors for trying to push the current nominee through is that Justice Kavinaugh has been ruling in a surprisingly non-parrtisan fashion (I have to respect the integrity if not the individual) and has made Trump and his peoples nervous about rulings on cases they thought they would have locked down with the appointment of Justice Kavenaugh.  

Which, at the time of his hearings, felt just as rushed and forced as the current hearings do.  

I'm not so much concerned about a conservative justice in the courts, especially if they maintain objective integrity regardless of their personal feelings and beliefs.  

You appoint a justice of a conservative or a libral lean not to stack the courts, but to make sure that the position and arguments from those view points are appropriatly addressed when rulings are made.  

A good judge, a good justice, is going to look at the constituion and read the laws as they stand.  And after the appropriate amount of consideration is made, rule on the side of justice and fairness rather than some form of sycophantic sense of loyalty to the agendas of a single group or individual.  

And that's what is bothering me about the current appointment.  Rushing it in the fashihon that is being rushed.  The probable imbalance that will result in the courts.  The thing about Justices Scalia and Ginsberg is that they balanced eachother in disagreements.   Good law happens when individuals from opposing sides cometogether and find the compromise a situation needs rather than the outcome that people want.  

That right there.
That is what it means to be a Justice or Judge at any level of the Judicial system.  
Finding the ruling that somehting needs rather than what people want.  
It is impossible to weed personal feelings out of such strong issues, that is why they write arguments.  So that they, their colleages, and those affected by the ruling not only understand the reasoning behind it and understand a sense of the individual(s) making the rulings. 

That is the thing I do not envy about those sitting on nthe bench v.s. those arguing the cases. 
Having to make hard rulings that can cause protests, affect the outcomes of conflicts, and impact generations of people that come after the ruling is made.

Again, I would have waited to make the appointment until after the election.   I would have waited to start the hearings until after the election, largely because we have an administration bent on creating a power imbalance in an institution who's purpose is to keep the balance of justice. 

The nation has made so much progress in healing and reparing it's self after the civil war, the civil rights movment of the 60's, the inner city conflicts of the 90's, and the affects of a nation driven to war on false pretenses in 2003.   

Why, when the nation has been unititing it's self through the pandemic and the Black Lives Matter protests, are we looking at undoing much of the progress that has been made?

I don't know, that's my argment on the topic.  
Hopefully those making the decision of appointment will take some objectivity into the decision.  

Because to me, the actions of the Administration in these past few weeks feels like an unruly tenat breaking windows and punching holes in the walls after being evicted.  

The Digital Foundations

 Where we are sitting currently in our worlds digital history is a turning point.  

Much in the way that the discovery that "Bar Bars"  had an intelligence on par with that of "civilization" and that "savages" did actually know how to manage their own lands; the integration of the digital world into the everyday lives and influencing how the very structure of our world is viewed by the average citizen.

Before digital integration began simply, getting the pronunciation of a message correct was both a hurdle and a built in security feature.   
Now, transmitting the message is not the difficulty.  

 Providing accurate context, avoiding echo chambers, and weeding out -Malicious Misinformation- 

-Malicious Misinformation- 
Propaganda meant to shield it's origin and/or appear to be from a trusted -news  aggregate-.
-news aggregate-
Peer reviewed educational or informational source that presents accurate and notably altered live -streams- of information

-stream-
live or programmed streams of data meant for public or compensated consumption.


While allowing -satirical and emotional expression- open to -content- -creation- and -curation- through  -packet transmission-

-packet transmission-
information meant for storage or multiple points of access. 
-satirical and emotional expression-

Artistic or Therapeutic presentation of information 
-Content-
Fictional, editorial, or historical presentation of information. 
-Creation-
Establishment, transmission, or storage of information for purpose of distribution.
-Curation-
tagging and labeling of content with regards to origin and intent, done by the content creator or moderator.  

Argument for Google and like companies
Data security and transmission.  

Argument for Amazon and like companies
Marketplace management and vender verification
Reason : Small business and private seller protections.  

Argument for Facebook and Like Companies
Content curation and moderation
Reason : screening for legal distribution and accuracy.  

Argument for You Tube and Like Companies
Content distribution and monetization
Reason : Verified news and entertainment platforms for artists, educators, and journalists.

Apple and like companies
Access point security and development
Reason : Personal and Public security. 

Public Responsibility to Emergency Services
Information Storage and Access
Reason : to protect legal rights and personal data of the public

Note :
Like Companies - a company that offers a similar service or platform regardless of scale to userbase.  

Reason for legal restructure of company services and offerings :
Currently all functions are being handled under single company umbrellas. 

Restructuring would address 
Monopolies of economic resources through violations of labor rights
Breaches of personal security information through accident or intent
Legal infringements on artistic expressions and devaluation of those creations. 
Abuses of Enforcement agencies and Human Rights.
All resulting in hindrances to Emergency response and medical security.

The regulatory and Enforcement agencies necessary to assist and verify oversight already in place. 
F.T.C./D.O.L.
L.O.C./F.D.I.C.
F.C.C./F.B.I.
D.H.L./C.I.A
F.E.M.A./Armed Services

One Hot Date

I checked the mirrors for the tail that had been with me since I had left the city and pulled back onto the interstate.   I guess I had lost them at the exit, my mind went back to the conversation from a few minutes ago.  

"You broker their heart."  
"Well, now you know why.  I couldn't drag her into all of that."  
"She's not in a much better place."
"What do you mean?"
"Her new boyfriend is a drug dealer and beats her."
"Fucking seriously,  where's she staying?"  
"With him."
"Address?"


There they were, they had waited at the rest stop on the other side of the on ramp. 
I let them follow until I got off the interstate again, took a few extra turns and ended up at the address.
A few minutes later we were in the car.

"Just a robe?"
"I wouldn't have been able to leave if I went back in."
"Alright, well shit, it's hot a/f that's for sure."
"Great, you just want me for sex too."
"I would be lying to say it hasn't crossed my mind, you remember how hot and heavy we would get."
"Yeah, see, just my tits and sex."
"Not even close.  We're riding into battle love.  Two Law enforcement agencies and at least one gang, possibly two are going to be converging on the place after I show up.  My heart rates up and I'll admit that if we survive this that...here, take my coat." 

"If it gets really bad there's a bow on the back porch."
"You don't have a gun?"
"No. I've never carried one."
"You're doing all this without a fucking gun?   Are you insane?"
"Maybe a little, but when I need one I usually take it away from someone.  I can't be the cute ditzy twink if I'm packin' heat and looking like I'm ready for a fight."
"Twink?"
"Long story...but they usually hand it to me to show off what they have to intimidate or impress.  Then I know what, where, and if it's loaded or not." 
"Okay, so a bow?" 
"Yeah."
"If this goes sideways and we survive then we may not see each other for 10 to 20."
"Fuck."
"Three hots and a cot and time to read.  I'll survive, I'm just glad you've still got that look."
"What look?"
"That look of passion and defiance, same thing as strippers and hookers that haven't been broken..."
"Are you calling me a slut?"  
"No, it's the same look in the eyes of a battle experienced soldier."
"..."
"Look, if we survive this b.s. I want you to get in touch with this person.  Have them train you, work with them, you're a bad ass already, they'll help you become even more bad ass."
"I'm not a bad ass."   
"Honey, you're riding into a probable gun fight wearing nothing but your bathrobe and planning on using a bow and arrow as your primary weapon, one that will be 30 yards away and may not have arrows with it if the shooting starts.  You. Are. A. Badass.  And I love you."
"Liar."
"We kiss the same...only person that I've ever experienced that with and you're here with me when no one else had the hutzpah to.  Honey, I love you.  Talk about Ride or Die."

I gave 'em the skinny on the lay out, where to go when/if shooting started

"Just duck down behind the engine block and wait for them to start reloading.  If it's the gangs they'll spray and pray and you'll have about a minute to move while they congratulate themselves and reload.  If it's the law, well, just show them your hands and do what they say, you'll be okay. Just don't say anything until you can talk to a lawyer."  

I handed them the keys...

"Here's hoping we're the ambush and not the other way around."

I got out of the car.

Insomnia is a Hell of a Drug

What does insombia entail for me? 
Well, for starters there are the nightmares.  
Sometimes they startle me back to wakefulness as I start to drift off, sometimes they wake me from a dead slumber and I can't fall back to sleep for hours after. 
Others are more biological. 

The bowel issues that I have ca
use a number of problems. 

1. Maintaining a balanced diet. 
it seems easy enough, but all it takes is one bad meal or the wrong drink and I find myself in the state that I'm in right now. 

2.  When they pass I'm usually low on liquids and completly out of food, so recouperation is a thing. 

3.  the Nausia

Aside from my backside turning it's self inside out the roiling stomach will try to eject other things from that direction.

The insomnia is something I've delt for as long as I can remember.   The bubbleguts issue is a litte more...recent. 

So what do I do on these kinds of days aside from constantly run back and forth between the bathroom until I can start rehydrating and eating again?  

Usually this, writing or editing something. 
Often, making phone calls and/or sending e-mails.  And, of course, trying to get as much of the original plans tasks done as possible. 

Most of the time I spend the time feeling guilty about not taking care of myself better, then feeling guilty about doing the self care necissary to get myself back to rights.  

right now it's just trying to get back to enough of an equilibrium back together to get the things done that I need to do today and hope that the gut imbalance is just a today thing while thanking the small miricle that my intestinal distress has distracated me from the nightmares that originally woke me up. 

Never safe in space

I know I have stated this before and elsewhere...when haven't I?

Having a safe space is important.  
There are a lot of "conservatives" out there that get down on "snowflakes" for being too sensetive and wanting their "safe spaces"  but here's the truth of it.  
A safe space is necissary to maintain a healthy mental and physical presence. 

There is not place so dangerous to any creature than the watering hole.   

However, there is always somewhere to go, even in the wild.   A nest, a den, a pack, a herd, a place of safety.  

So what happens when there is no safe space to go?

Like for myself.  
When I was younger, the only safe space I really and truly had was the digital space.  
Home being a constant barrage of "Alpha Personalities" constantly trying to prove who was more Alpha>

 A school system that viewed homosexuality and racial difference  as much as the problem as the abuse that happened towards members of these groups.

A work world that was dominated by gender politics and classism.  

And then the rest of the world realizes the interent exist and the natural evolution of the world takes the last bastion of solace I had.  
The digital eco systems that used to alow a sense of peaceful escape through writing, games, (video didn't hold such a hallowed place in the diital realm until recently)  meeting people from places all over the world, 
In short, a weird Star Trek like Utopia where the Cardassians were internet trolls and Klingons were C.O.D. gamers. 

"Well you were just hiding in anonmymity."   
Not really.  
I have never really been shy about who I am. 
I used to journal a lot, but then realized that I had no privacy there.  
I used to keep digital files of all of my writings.  But they weren't safe on disk either.
 
Honestly, reflecting back on the events of my life, I question if I have ever had any sort of real privacy or solitude since I was a kid. 
Probability tells me that I'm just overly paranoid after decadees of social isolation and physically distancing myself from all except a handful of people. 

Now, after a year of living mostly by myself I realize that the only thing I really know is service to others. 
Every time I walk out the front door it is a struggle to not want to stop and help every person I see get where they're trying to go. 
Every time I turn on the news I'm trying to find solutions to problems that most would think have little to no effect on my day to day life. 

now, the closest thing I have to a safe space is this blog and the random videos I post.  If for no other reason that people pay so little attention to them that it's almost the same as writing in a private journal sometimes.  
But not the same. 

IRL I don't know how to be "off." Constantly fighting a balance between hyper vigilence and social anxiety.  Trying to get partners and others in my life to understand me while I struggle to understand them. 

The real fight, and ther real problem is trying to figure out how to simply exist and being comfortable in my own skin while finding a source of income that will alow me to exist in my physical reality while allowing me to explore my mental boundries. 

It's funny, this whole Pandemic protocol of social distancing and things makes me laugh a little.  The rest of the world has had a taste of what it's like to live my life for the last few months and the strains of the isolation isn't getting to me, seeing others struggle with the way my existance is, has made me feel both hopeful and spiteful.  

Hopeful because I feel like my existance has been, justified, I guess in some fashion seeing others struggle with the isolation>

Spiteful because the people that are crying the loudest about having to take care of themselves and mind their own buisness are the very same people that would degrade others for struggling to do just that while being harrassed.  

Just deserts I guess. 

In the mean time, I sit over here in the wreckage of countless lives trying to manage the sadness, let go of the spite, and hold on to the hope. 

Stay Safe

What do you Honor?

 Religion is a funny thing. 

In honor of the heathens on Thursdays I conclude projects.

In honor of the profits on Fridays I plan for the next week. 

In honor of the survivors on Saturdays I rest

In  honor of the pious on Sundays I abstain. 

In honor of the hungry on Mondays I plan for the day

In honor of the learned on Tuesdays I sweat

In honor of the decedents on Wednesdays I learn

Co-vid Relief

 I haven't looked into the claim yet, just saw at the top of my twitter feed that china supports a global vaccine effort.  
Rad. 
Here's the funny thing about that situation.  
I feel like that if we had stayed within the spirit of the united nations and the W.H.O, which is to catch and contain and treat health outbreaks of various sorts, that the question of any nation offering assistance or aid when a new illness presents.  
Illness, with a global economy and a travel time to less than 24 hours for global circumnavigation, is a global issue and regardless of political situations it was agreed in the Geneva  Convention that  biological warfare was outlawed. 
Hence a biological threat would now, regardless of origin, be considered a global scale natural disaster.  
How should we, as a nation, respond to a natural disaster. 
That is the question before us now. 

Monopoly for fun and frustration

 Hearing that Congress is going after the tech monopolies again.  
And there is no question that these tech companies are, in fact, monopolies.
But much like the formation of any other monopolies it started small and snow balled.  

When many of these companies formed the ingenious idea was using phones and computers to track economic movements.  

Was the intent behind their actions to form these monopolies?   
Possibly.  
Does it much matter? 
At this juncture, no, we are in the world that we are in and it is our duty to find solutions for the problems that have risen from these issues.  
A tech monopoly was bound to happen as soon as they tech stopped being telephones and calculators and started being an entire ware houses worth of technology from a few decades ago and has been miniaturized into our pockets.

The problem was foreseen and some what addressed by the printing industry.  However the speed at which the evolution happened I don't think anyone was prepared for.  

Before taking a sledge hammer to the companies that are holding the tech sectors bustling economy together we should first work on making some very key, but very necessary designations.  

Namely.
How to define
A Tech Service - (messaging voice, video, image, or text services, weather and emergency alerts, 
A Tech Product - (a single function app like a game, widget, or piece of digital art)
A Tech Platform - (A social Media Site)
A Tech Market - (A digital store front for a physical product/location)
A Tech Security Service - (a third party aggregate ensuring safe transmission and storage of data) 
A Tech Hard Service - (maintenance, installation and insurance services for hardware)
A Tech Storage Service - (Physical server and processor space for personal, commercial, educational, or civil databases and services)

Most of these things are already compartmentalized and defined, though updates with considerations of the current digital landscape and future proofing for probable technological evolutions is what we are faced with by looking at the current tech monopolies.  

Arguably Amazon should remain a delivery and distribution service for small to midsize businesses. 
However, by removing Amazon offerings from the marketplace we are looking at the same issues currently caused by retailers like Wal-Mart and Best Buy - Having mass market offerings at such low prices it makes it difficult for smaller producers to compete.

So Amazon would need to make the choice between being a digital retailer or a digital P.O.S. system for other businesses.  

Google is a touch more difficult because they own a lot of what has become the "public streets" of the digital world.   
Mapping services (which I feel should be a public service for emergency management anyways)

Google, I feel, would step naturally into the role of a "Tech Security Service"  Ensuring safe and secure transmission of data such as search results and economic traffic.

...Youtube, already? is a separate company and would be classified as a "Tech Platform" tasked with content curation and stepping into the role of a Digital Public Broadcaster - the new UHF so to speak.

Facebook - is a bit stickier, but arguably should remain largely unchanged, though paying it's users (whos information was/is packaged as a product being sold) should be, for verifiable accounts, should be compensated for those sales. 
The distribution of those funds is one for debate, but still one that should be addressed. 
Especially when it is a platform that has affected major geo-political shifts in recent years.

...anyways, just my thoughts on the matter for now, with regards to finding a fair and judicious way of breaking up monopolies without destroying the infrastructure that has grown up around them. 

Mardi Gras

 Making an argument for Public Tansit stands no where stronger than New Orleans and the Gulf Coast during Hurricane Katrina and the response to the region around it.   

During the 40's and 50's public transit and bus systems were put into place because cars were new and mass transit inexpensive.
During the 50's and 60's the public transit system was mobilized to support civil rights. 
During the 70's and 80's public transit systems where slowly defunded as personal vehicles took over the role of the shared family vehicle.   
During the 90's and 00's we saw what the collapse of community support looked like on a disastrous scale.   

Now :
 public transit systems are only partially supported after decades of pop culture shaming of public transit, being depicted as dirty and lawless. In larger population centers where the need for public transit outweighed the negative marketing there are robust systems. 
 Connecting between communities still difficult, and large swaths of the nation underserved.  

It's time to get America Back on Track.


...jeez... even though it's a good campaign slogan it still sounds cheesier than a Wisconsin farm hand. 

Coal Country

What is my plan for the coal industry?
Inject millions of dollars in educational research.   To have NASA oversee mining operations with an eye towards developing practical equipment for mining/excavating on mars. 
Using living miners to guide deesign and development and having the communities that supported the mines support the schools that will learn from the mines and the miners we can continue supporting coal country while finding alternative uses for coal. 
Again, my thought, diamonds for reinforcning lightweight construction materials for space travel. 

The bus stop of the future

It's interesting that when you look back at the history of public transit.
At the start, when trains where the primary source of transportation and buses where the new and shiny buses where treated as a dignified and respected way to travel.   Then, once integration began all of the support for these programs dried up as white culture moved into the suburbs.   
Creating, not just a physical divide, but a resource imbalance.   

Suburb living is nice, comfortable, and largely quite.   However, the resource requirements are much higher.   Longer transportation times to get to places of employment, and even a simple task like traveling to a corner shop or the grocery store becomes a trek. 

In the mean time public transit has been vilified, shame being cast on those that use it.   
Here is the short and short of it.  
Public Transit is not a communist or socialist ideal.  
It is a conservative one.  
It is a capitalist one.  

By having a reliable public transit system it allows a work force to get to work at a lower cost.
By having the bulk of workers in a public transit system for their commuting hours you lower the amount of vehicles on the road.
Making it easier for deliveries and thru traffic to move more efficiently, lowering the costs of goods and services by reducing delivery and drive time for those essential services. 
Lastly, Public Transit that is supported encourages visitors, tourists, and business travelers a way to see the area and or explore an area without getting lost navigating one way streets or blocking delivery vehicles. 

That argument established, here is my thought for the bus stop of the future. 

1.  It is a secure WiFi Point.  

     Accessible through the "Transit App"  it allows a person to prepay bus fair or taxi and shuttle services as well as approved "public" apps. 
            "public apps"   would be verified entertainment and delivery apps with FDIC Digital Encryption.  
            "FDIC Digital Encryption -  Public wifi accessable apps that allow secure download and upload of personal data.  i.e. medical, financial, emergency data. 
        

2.   Secured and monitored delivery point.    
    Do not want or have a home to have a package delivered to, or are meeting for a craigslist sale?  
    Homeless and have enough for a pizza?
    Need to meet for a verified package but can't make it all the way to the post office. 
    Video monitored point.

3.  Paystation or the new Pay Phone.

    A pay station for physical currency for digital purchases.  
    Do not have a card to order with or phone/computer to access online offerings.

    The public Pay Phone can be used to order direct from local FDIC businesses and prepay for transit services. 

 4.  Pay toilets.  
    Yeah, yeah, I know, public toilets are nasty.
    But it's all about dignity.  

    Having public toilets space at the farthest or heaviest trafficked points on a rout would not only give more reliable bathroom offerings for those in need.   Why pay instead of free?   Well, it costs money to clean them.  And, through the cash for cans programs that many states have already adopted using bottle exchanges to create a way to gain access to public toilets.  

  

So what does a Light Rail stop look like to me?   
24 hour service, bus and taxi pick up, pay toilet, public access wifi, and a place to call for help in an emergency. 

Gods of a New Age

I know that it's been said before. 
By myself and many others.  
Superheroes and Villains from the comics to the small screen, and now to the silver screen, are the gods of the modern age.  
In the here too past many pantheons have been worshiped in an effort to explain how the world worked.  
These pantheons made up the stories that humanity would tell eachother in the darkness of the night, the cold of winter, the blazing heat of the desert, the battering winds of the hurricane, as the earth shook.
   
Humanity would tell these stories in an effort to understand the dangers of the world outside of the ring of fire light, and when the danger had passed humanity would emerge back out into the world and learn the differences between the stories and what was happening outside.  

Today we know and understand much, much, more than our ancestors.   The stories have become less of an explination and more of an exploration.   

As the Gods of old, reveared in their stories and the thanked for their guidence, gave way to that of the one god to explain our source humanity grew in it's knoweldge.   And soon, the old gods no longer needed to be replaced by new gods.   The old gods hold their domains safe and live in their followers hearts.  

No.
Superheros are not gods in the classical sense. 

  The gods that see over the affairs of the world and our hearts.   
These new gods, these heroes of the world reflect what humanity strives to become.  
They show us cautionary tales and ideals to strive for.   They show us the danger as well as the joys of having a responsibility that fits our unique perspective on life.   

Which brings me back to the two giants of the comics world and how they are approching the responsibilities of telling the stories of these new gods.  

On the D.C. front we are shown an unfiltered, often dark and squishy, look into how unbalanced a life as such can be.   An unabashed, un restrained look, into the lives of the heroes and the effects that real world perspectives have when handed such power, or what it's lke to live with such power. 

On the Marvel front we have, pardon the term, the Disney version of events.   Sanitized, colorful, and non threatening.  
The heroes are never bad and the bad are always redeamable. 
Is either one a better way of story telling and approaching the responsibilities of these gods of the modern era?

 
No, just different. 

  
And sometimes diffrent is better than the same. 

Are these new gods here to replace the old gods or any such religion.  
No.

And it is our duty to make sure that they do not.  
Storytelling and imparting lessons perhaps.   
But the wars of the religion are better left with the old gods.