Out of the Shell

"Hey Jack, how's the D&D going?"
"It's not, hit the same snag it does in almost every other time I've run a game."
"Oh?  What's that?" 
"Players don't trust me to run a balanced game and the moment I actually enforce the rules that were explained from the start people think I'm being too harsh." 
"not going to give on this one?"
"Nope.  I've given enough already."
"So what's the plan?"
"Delete the group in VRC if no one wants to keep playing, probably delete the discord server since I'm the only one that really posts in there, and move on with my life."
"Even after all the work you've put into it?"
"Man.  I do this work all the time.  With no recognition or credit given.  It's nothing new,  I just made the mistake of letting people peek behind the curtain." 
"So what?'  You go non verbal again and give up on socialization?" 
"I mean, yeah.  Being verbal, open, and honest has just gotten me spit in the  face so many times."
"Have you tried being more likeable?" 
"Fuck off." 
"Hey, why are you attacking me?"
"Look.  I'm Autistic and Nonverbal most of the time.  The only reason I learned to speak as well as I do is because of this right here.  Learning to write and then reading it out loud.  Just because I'm able to speak on mic now doesn't change the fact that until the Pandemic I only started speaking on mic because I was going stir crazy and it was the only way I could talk to anyone about video games and what not.  That speaking on mic was absolutely terrifying.   That I had full blown panic attacks for the first six months of raiding in Destiny any time I had to say anything or do a callout."
"So what, you give up and go nonverbal again?" 
"Dunno. Probably."
"So you're just giving up?"
"Na dude.  That's the one thing I don't think I know how to do.  Withdrawl, recover, and move forward.  But as many in my past have learned, once they loose my trust Id on't look back."
"You can't keep cutting people off like that, they'll run out of people."  
"There's still plenty of people ahead of me in the games I want to play in, and if someone really wanted to earn my trust back they'd have to work their assess off to catch back up.  Because I'm slowing myself down anymore.  Every time I've tried to do that I ended up getting hurt physically, emotionally, or both." 
"So what?  You're telling people to lead, follow, or get out of the way/"
"Pretty much, because according the stats I'm at the half way point.  And with all the injuries and shit it's probably more than half way." 
"So your'e having a midlife crisis, is that the issue?""
"Look, some dudes buy sports cars and date 20 year olds.   I bought a computer and am trying to leave gaming spaces better than how I found them.  Sure, you can call that a midlife crisis, or you could call it me sticking to a mission statment I set decades ago.  If anything, the only 'crisis' i'm having is refusing to let people be disrespectful to me anymore and maintaining boundries that I should have been able to my whole life instead of only discovering that I actually could in the last few years."
"So you still going to just delete it all and start over gain?" 
"I fall, I get up. I dust myself off.  Make sure nothing's broken and keep going.  I'll write and rewrite and rewrite until it get's picked up."
"Shouldn't you finish it first?"
"Honey, I write the ending first every time and work backwards from there.  The rest is just filling in the holes and tailoring it to fit the budget." 
"you're accent's coming out Jack..."
"Oh yeah....that means I'm about to be the whole ass problem." 

The Camel and the Straw

It's funny. 
I thought I'd be more upset after the whole thing.   Removing everyone from the server that broke the rules.  
They were pretty simple.  
Help eachother achieve goals. 
 No hard carries.
No exploits.
Blind run new content and hunt the secrets.


"What's a hard carry?"
"Ah, someone not contributing to the activities.  Either sitting in the corner not participating or refusing to help with game mechanics when it takes a team to do it.  Sure there are people out there that can solo content but if I wanted to solo content I'd just play single player games.  Which I often do."
"So you just booted everyone out?""
"Mostly.  Some left when they realized other people had been removed. But I didn't enforce my bounderies for too long and people got used to crossing them. The one title I never earned was Sword Bearer.  All because of a challenge to get it done required focused team work. I know a couple people that lucked out with LFGs to do the challenge but I'd done more than enough time in those trenches trying to pull people together team.  To build a group taht wanted to do the hard stuff.  That I thought if I asked for help with something that required a team they'd come together for it. But in the end, they didn't.  Hell, I was left hanging so often thinking I'd done something wrong.  When the truth of the matter was, they got what they wanted out of me and left me on read when I asked for help."
"So what now then?"
"Well, there's a couple folks that wanted to play D&D that I'm running a game for in VR.   I didn't think I'd ever want to play another rpg like that, let alone run one, but here I am doing the thing.  It got me writing again, which is a whole different animal all together.  I always knew I'd write.  Can't really help it, it's the only way I really know how to organize my thoughts."
"Do you have a goal in mind for that?"
"Yeah show my chops, maybe get paid in the end."
"Paid how?"
"Well my tip Jars have been open this whole time thinking that if I worked hard enough I might end up with something in them, but with the whole Destiny thing I just felt like I was paying people to game with me instead of the other way around."
"You expected people to pay you to play a Video Game with them?"
"Na, I hoped people would pay me for the writing.  For the editing, for the work I did.  But why pay somebody when they're already doing it for free right?"
"Aren't you afraid that's what's going to happen with this D&D group?"
"Yeah, at first."  
"What changed your mind?"
"The fact that I was motivated to write again.  That this story that's been rattling around in my head for so long is finally getting the holes filled, the loose ends tied off, and words to paper for it.   Even if nothing comes of it I at least finally wrote the story."
"What's missing?"
"Well, I wrote the end.  Which is where I usually start.  I"ve outlined the major beats, written exerpts and built the lore.  Now it's just a matter of fillin in the missing pieces.  Making sure the way I present things makes sense, is grounded, and pays homage to the insperations rather than just being a copy of a copy of a copy." 
"How much work have you put into it so far?" 
"Well...Since I started? Nearly every waking hour I'm not writing on this blog or doing chores around the house.  Hell some days I go strait from the bed to the keyboard or into VR for insperation and research."
"Think you'll something will come out of it in the end."
"I hope so.  I don't have anything else left.  Just a bunch of toys no one wants. Some comics and cards I could probably sell if worse came to worse.  Which it looks like it is. And I haven't even had the time to read the comics yet."
"Didn't you already sell your comics off once?"
"Yeah, most of them, all of the ones from mmy child hood.  Gave up my reaserarch library.  All of the paperbacks and novels I spent my allounace on as a kid.   Hell, the only reason I have any of the stuff I do now is because I stopped drinking and started taking better care of myself.  But people don't like Sober Jack because Sober Jack doesn't hide the pain from them.  Sober Jack doesn't laugh off the fucked up jokes that aren't really jokes."
"Do you ever miss it?"
"What?"
"Drinking, partying, going out with people."
"No.  Hell I didn't even like it when i was doing it.  I just thought I had to.  Often was forced to.  I'm perfectly comfortable with my own company.   Mostly."
"Mostly?"
"Yeah. I've always been made to feel lazy, like I wasn't working hard enough.  that if I just worked a little harder then all my dreams would come true.  So I did. Got up earlier than every body else, trained harder, studied more, last one to go to bed but I realized over this last year, working on a broken hand and foot and still keeping up with everyone else.  That it didn't matter how hard I worked because as long as I worked that hard for free no one was going to pay me for it."
"So you're not working for free anymore?"
"Na, just part of who I am.  What I'm not doing for free anymore is hurting myself.  Pretending I"m okay to make people feel comfortable."
"So what's the plan then man?"
"Write.  Edit. Write some more. I've got about a weeks worth of food and water left.  Maybe less depending.  So I'm going to write until I run out."
"then what?"
"Fucked if I know.  Starve again probably because the banks aren't budging and I'm out of stuff to sell that anyone would want to pay anything for.  I don't have the materials to craft anything to sell.  And hell, even if I did I don't have a place to sell 'em so...."
"So what? You just give up?"
"Apparently because not giving up hasn't gotten me anything but taken advantage of. I live in a place that where I'm not valued as a person, where my writing is nothing someone couldn't just have an AI spit out for them as I've been reminded of over and over.  So yeah. Maybe I will just give up.  I've tried everything else."
"You're just feeling this way because of what time of year it is."
"Probably, but it doesn't make any of it less true."
"Well, you do have a ..."
"Shut the fuck up.  I don't want a pity party.  I want stability, the ability to support myself.  A way of paying my bills and rent that isn't going to keep destroying my body." 
So you write?"
"So I write." 

Ear on the Floor

I'm starting to understand how Van Gogh felt.  
Why he would cut off his own ear out of madness. 
It's beeing driven to paint in his case.   In mine being driven to write.   And endless stream of thoughts and ideas that flow through my fingers and out into a world that doesn't listen. 
And with the way the world is, the way that life is going.  The way the corporations take control of art with thei AI models and blantent theft all of this writing I've done,  all of the stories I've created will end up just disapearing into the ether. 
Seeing it taken and mutated into something that doesn't even convey the same emotion and feeling that was behind it's creation. 
I understand on a logical level that art is shaped by the viewer. 
That once it leaves an artists hands and is put out into the world it becomes something else. 
But as I sit here, yet again, working round the clock on projects that will probably just be stolen from me the way all the rest have I ask yself why keep going? 
Why keep trying? 
Why keep writing?
I poor everything I have into these thigns.  
My time, my energy, my resrouces. 
My sanity. 
And every turn.  
Every time I think I hae something to work with.  
Something to show for it I see people already there.  
Making a living doing what I was made to believe was a waste of time. 
Gatekeeping with one hand and robbing with the other. 
Some days the only thing that keeps me going is the writing. 
It's not a question of "Can I write something?"
It's a question of "Will I write?" 
And right now. 
As i type this, wishing for nothing more than to get some rest...some sleep but unable to because I don't know how i'm going to replace my tools as they continue to break.  How I'm going to refill my pantry as it dwindles yet again. 
Refusing to take a hand or call in debts that are owed to me.  
A part of me holds hope that there is some sort of justice in the world.  That I'll get to see it. 
But as the days turn into weeks and the years pass me by.  
The little flame of hope that keeps me going gutters in the breeze. 
A poet. 
A story teller. 
A singer of songs. 
Screaming into the void until my voice is raw and my heart in pieces. 
And only hearing silence in return. 
Yet still. 
I write. 
Because that is what I am. 

The Fires of Truth

"You ready there Jack?"
"Like a bull in the shoot with a nervous rider." 
"You scared?"

"Not even remotely." 
"Going to have to come out eventually." 
"I already did."
"Out of the basement troll."
"I'm just doing what Grandma told me to do."
"What's that?"
"Mind my business, spend $20 bucks on something that makes me happy, and celebrate my birthday all month." 
"What did you spend your $20 on?" 
"A portal effect that makes a black hole when I appear or disappear and sitting on the other $10 for if something else cool comes along." 
"Aren't you bored?"
"Na.  Believe it or not I actually like myself.  Moments of doubt certainly, especially when thinking about the past, but I'm perfectly happy down here with my cats."
"Is it everything you hoped?"
"I mean, close, but not quite." 
"How so?"
"I'd prefer to be doing the same thing in a cabin on top of a snowy mountain or a shack on a beach, but ya know.  We don't get everything we want in live, but we do get what we need." 
"Need anything."
"Just my heart back."
"Where's that Jack?"
"Safe last I checked."
"When was that?"
"Mind your business." 
"Whoa...I've never heard your voice like that before."
"..."
"Is your eye twitching?"
"What were we talking about again?"
"...ummm...your birthday?"
"Oh yeah, I hate that thing?"
"Why?"
"Because it always falls on or around Memorial day, and as I've gotten older it's just gotten more poignant. How can I celebrate my own fortune when there are so many empty seats at the table.?"
"Plenty of people that would fill those seats you know?"
"I know...but..."
"No buts."
"Listen. I have the rest of my life to pat myself on the back and be congratulated for not dying and being a self centered ass hat."
"You're going to have to do interviews"
"Yeah, I know.  That's what the VR is for. to Prep me. talking to people, answering awkward questions.  You know, like a flight sim for a pilot." 
"Why aren't you helping out more around the farm and such." 
"I'm on strike, pretty simple."
"Why on Strike?"
"Because they weren't listening and listening to them was doing me more harm than good." 
"So where you going first when you finally emerge from your stinky ass room?"
"Yeah, it is getting pretty dank in here. After I scrub and disinfect everything though, the next county commissioners meeting to slam my dick on the table."
"They aren't the same commissioners  that destroyed the farms Jack."
"Sure there bud"
"You know you need their approval to rebuild the farm."
"I mean, yeah, but I ain't going to ask." 
"Calm down there Jack."
"I am calm."
"Why are you scarier calm than worked up?" 
"Because when I'm worked up I'll walk away, when I'm calm I'm ready to fight."
"With your words I hope."
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
"Why not the bank, or the accountants before the commissioners?"
"Because I'm not going to sink everything I got into a Project I can't get approval for.  Last thing I need is saddled with loans that aren't going to get paid back or employees that I can't pay." 
"What happened to Grandma's philosophy of 'It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission'? "  
"I've already forgiven myself.  Hardest thing I've ever done. And I won't beg for forgiveness from people that do not wish to give it.  It's not my right to invalidate their feelings." 
"So you're just going to sit there then? Playing in VR and doom scrolling?'
"Writing, remembering those that won't be there when we finally all sit around the table, getting the anxiety under control."
"Who's we Jack?"
"The Guild."
"Which Guild."
"My guild.  Did I ever tell you where the name came from?"
"I think so?  Calvin and Hobbes right?"
"Yep." 

One Billion Dollars.

 When I was a kid, little little, my family trained horses.  

Grandpa and one of the uncles was a Jockey.  Pops was a bull rider, auntie was barrel racer, another uncle was a quick draw guy.   So rich folks would bring their horses for training and stabling.   The farm was built over 100 years ago.  Grandma and Grandpa, an Italian woman and an Irish boy, bought the farm in the 50's after Grandpa got out of the military.   He was pistoleer.  Could hit a playing card dead center and a hundred yards. 

Now, I thought this story was bullshit until one day when he was starting to get sick he saw a skunk out across the road.  About 50 yards out, he told me to go ask Grandma for his pistol and to bring it to him.  

He leaned against the house and took a single shot, severing the skunks spine so it wouldn't spray.  

No joke. 

Anyways.  

The farmers around here always helped each other out.  Hell, I was bucking hay at 7 years old.  Pushing hay bails bigger than I was across the hay loft to the big guys so they could stack em. 

Well, some of the farmers started to get old and passing away.  And they had a deal setup with each other where they'd auction off their land so it would be fair to all the neighbors. 

Well, first the horse pasture went for up for auction.  

And some rich prick rolled in and put more money on the table than the farmers could pull together.   He put a house on it.  So with no where to pasture the horses we still did a little bit of care, stabling of the family's  couple of horses, but that was it. 

Then the well water became undrinkable because these big factory farmers started spraying so much pesticide it poisoned the groundwater. 

The farm aged with Grandpa. 
Not well. 

So pops made a deal with one of the neighbors that owned the hay field for half of it in exchange for working on the property.   They built up a water shed to feed a new well system.   Pops built a garage and he and the rest of the fam moved into it and lived there for nearly 10 years while they saved the money to build a house while I was off playing super hero. 

Well, the neighbor died of cancer, the land went for auction.  

Same thing happened. 

Except this time an old rich dude bought the land and just started dumping old cars out there and letting the property go to trash.  We cleaned things up, cleared his field of thistles so it could be hayed.  Etc. 

Then he started getting sick and we were like "yo, we want to buy the property."  instead he fenced the fishing pond off so a different neighbor could let their cows roam on it.  Problem is, those cows are now shitting in the water shed that feeds the drinking water. 
So we'll be back to hauling water soon because of it.  

Grandma passed away this last summer.  Grandpa about 15 years ago. And now grandma's house is going up for auction in August. 

My hope is that I can come up with $10 million.  So I can buy grandma's house on auction and restore/repair/update it. And partner with the local colleges to turn it into a vet school.   Kansas State is an Agricultural school. Kansas University a Medical school, Emporia a teaching college, and Washburn a Law School. 

So I'd want to staff it with students after all the work is done. 

Because when the railroad tracks came out the rail road land was supposed to revert back to the surrounding farms, but instead the county turned it into a walking trail.  So it's in a perfect place to act as a trail head for riders and people with pets. 

That crazy plan and budget I outlined in the first few months of being back in the area, is a build plan for if I can get the farm and the fields near it. 
I want to turn them into an agricultural campus that partners with those four universities. 

Imagine that dude.  

A vet's office for horses and other critters on the old farm, then taking a field that poisoned the drinking water and turning it into a working farm/festival grounds with a year round farmers market. 

The jobs it would make, the history it would teach....

Anyways.  

That's my mad plan.  

To restore the land to it's farming roots and teach future generations about what it takes to run their own farms.  

A market/diner in the old farm house fed by the farm.  The old stable barn turned into the vet's office.  The old hay barn turned into dorms.  And the old grain silo turned into an observatory for astronomy classes. 

Then out in the field a permeant structure renaissance festival that is a working farm with weekly markets and seasonal events. 

On property housing for staff when they're working, classrooms for teaching about how the farm works, theater classes, concerts on the decks of pirate ships, markets under a small castle and inn and a tavern for guests.  And all of it feeding people and teaching them the skills to carry into their own lives and projects. 

Then, if I can pull this one off, I have plans for the local speedway that was shut down because they built a new on in Kansas City and moved everything there.

But yeah.  

First though, I have to buy the farm, because Grandma put it in the will to sell so her kids wouldn't fight over it.

Then the field(s). 
Crude markings on the maps because I just pulled them together, but they go along with this more detailed explanation and the budget proposal for construction. 

The plan to fund the fair ground construction is to partner with Movie studios to build different parts in exchange for filming rights for what ever projects they want to film there. (personally I want to make a  another D&D movie) but that's the rad part about filming. Is that you can use the same locations over and over for different projects as long as you film it from different angles.

That's what the "backlots" in Hollywood are. 

So I'm literally wanting to build a backlot for fantasy shows and movies that's a working farm. 

Ain't I a Stinka?

"So Jack.  Where are you at on A.I.?"
"Still think businessmen don't understand what it's good for other than making money and trying to socially engineer people."
"So you're against A.I.?"
"Yes and No.   Yes I'm against in the arts because artistic expression is the expression of  Human experience.  No when using it to model the climate to better plan for storms." 
"What about the Labor disruptions coming."
"Disruptions or balancing?  A.I. could be used in mining robots to keep miners out of the depths.  To avoid child labor pulling out the resources for the batteries and technology we use every day. It's not that A.I, if properly handled, would get rid of Human Jobs, but will take over the jobs to dangerous for humans"
"What about people worried about making a technological slave race."
"Well, A.I. and A.C. are two very different things."
"A.C?" 
"Artificial Conciseness. That's the snake oil these tech bros are trying to sell you using, essentially a very fancy, Mechanical Turk. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanical_Turk

Trust, a good magician can spot a fake a mile away.  Maybe not exactly how it's done but given time can figure it out and if I were the type to code I could probably create a rudimentary A.I. model on a calculator. In fact people used to all the time."
"No way, not on a calculator." 
"They were getting Doom running on Calculators when I was young person and enemy A.I. as it's been called in the gaming industry since...well since the shooter genre came about...which is over 30 years is just a scaled down version of what they're doing with these Large Language models.  So yeah.  Running A.I. on calculators.  Artificial Consciences on the other hand, a machine with actual animal intelligence.  That's hypothetically possible if Quantum Computing has been cracked, and if they're using that to run an A.I. Model then I'd be looking at my printer sideways right now." 
"You're printer?"
"Yeah, what's the old joke?  'An enthusiast loves all their smart tech, their smart house, their smart phone etc. Tech workers keep a gun next to their printer incase it makes a sound they don't like.'  Or some such"  

"Okay, then what about Labor disruptions?" 
"That's pretty strait forward.  We return our roots, the jobs that the 80's and 90's tried to convince us where less than.  The blue collar work, the trades work, the educational work, the farm work.  Those jobs still exist, they were just devalued in favor of office culture and playing in financial markets.  Those are the jobs that A.I. can do that no one wants to talk about.  The tabulations and meetings that could have been an e-mail sorts of jobs.  We still need to educate people though, so they understand how it all works, can repair and update when needed.  The engineers building the hardware and testing to make sure it actually works v.s. the C-suites trying go make their bottom lines look bigger."
"So you think people will still be able to find work?"
"Oh yeah, even something as mindless and simple as picking trash up off of the side of the road.  Those jobs still need done, the U.S. just uses Slave Labor for it instead of actual paid workers, because the jobs and the people that do them where systematically devalued. To the point that a lot of folks from Gen X and my own age think those things are just magically done for them. While the jobs that couldn't be devalued where moved into places where Labor was the only value they were seen to have.  The Farm work that couldn't be done by machines forced onto migrants who had no other choice if they wanted to feed themselves and their families.  Their voices silenced in the halls of power by people that wanted to keep their slave labor over rolling up their sleeves themselves. That's not hyperbole, they are more than vocal about it when they think they're in a position to get away with it." 
"Jack...don't you do it."
"Oh yeah."
"No...I see where you're going with this."
"Hey man, people want the economy fixed and justice for their loved ones."
"Stop now and you won't get hurt."
"Oh honey, I've already been hurt.  You're just threatening me with a good time at this point." 
"No one will ever go for it."
"Go for what."
"I can see it in that shit eating grin of yours. You want to unionize prison workers."
"Fair wage for fair work."
"Shut the fuck  up."
"After all they are fast-food workers, roadside laborers, firefighters.  And a multitude of other jobs deemed 'less than'  when these jobs were all, by the 45's administration no less, essential workers.  So which is it, are they essential workers or Slave Labor.  Because right now, they're slave labor being used in essential work." 
"God damn it."
"After all, Union Reps are already used to defending the jobs of people they often would rather not because at their core, no matter how narrow minded or ignorant they might be in their personal lives they still fight to make sure everyone they work with is taken care of.  I'm not saying we give people legitimately guilty of crimes a free pass.  I'm just saying we don't take advantage of what they can still contribute and an honest wage for the work they do while being rehabilitated.  Hell, I'd wager most of the prison deaths from 'prisoner on prisoner' violence can be attributed to either defending a lack of resources like toiletries and decent food.  Or because they're forced into doing some overly moneyed dick holes bidding in exchange for their own safety." 
"Your points are valid but not popular."
"Was never shooting for popular or right, just correct.  People like popular, they want to be right, but have a hard time being correct when told they're wrong." 
"PWU"
"You son of a bitch."
"Hey man, if all the Unions and Guilds of the world stopped working for a day.  Just one day, all at the same time.  There would a hush over the planet even the most insolated of billionaires would notice. And if their voices all united at the same time a thunder that would even make the gods quake in fear and echo through history as a message of hope to future generations." 
"They're going to try to kill you you know.  People are going to get hurt because of you."
"Who's They? 'cause They already have and it didn't take.  So every day I suck breath is a message to those that are struggling to keep going.  Every day I hear a laugh or see a smile is a gift. And every story I tell that people listen to is hope they can carry with them through their own troubles."
"You tell a lot of dark stories there Jack."
"There are children that live in warzones, soldiers that survived them, and refugees that fled them.  To them, my stories seem like fairy tales compared to their own lived experiences." 
"Go touch Grass, you've been a basement troll to long."
"Would love to, but I'm on Strike until I can go to the doctor and dentist, until I can pay my debts, and until I can pay my teams." 
"You still seem to be doing an awful lot of writing and question answering for someone on strike."
"Duties and responsibilities are two very different things my friend." 
"How so?"
"Responsibilities are things you take care of when you can, and hope other's take care of it when you can't."
"And Duty?"
"Heavier than a mountain when death is light as a feather."
"So what are your duties then?"
"I'm a Librarian.  Finding sources, answering questions, and telling stories." 
"You aren't working at a Library right now and you still don't have an MLS." 
"Doesn't stop me from doing the homework and researching my papers until then."

"Speaking of, where are you with that whole Gravity equation you were going on about a bit ago."
"Oh, yeah, hard to focus on through the pain sometimes but I've made a bit of headway on  how to explain it if not proofing the math.  Just need some data verified first."
"So...what's the explanation?"
"Gravity is the Medium in which the universe exists.  Smashing particles together is neat, but how do they come back together is the question.  Because if they come back together on their own, so to speak, even if it isn't with the exact same particles, would be proof that Black Holes are actually just supermassive particles and not some magic worm hole some people think they are."
"Okay?"
"Think about it like breathing.  The Breathing Universe hypothesis I roughed out in my original draft of the Theorem.  When you breath in, you breath in the particles around you, you expel them back into the environment after they've served their purposes within the body.  Trick is each inhale pulls in the same consistency of particles from the surrounding environment.  In different measures, mixed with the previously expelled particles, along with newer or older particles of the same materials if not the exact same particles themselves refreshed by the surrounding environment."
"And you think you can prove that with a simple equation." 
"Well yeah, the opposite of the entropic equation.  Entropy measures the loss of particles and energy.  Where as, I would argue, Gravity-a function of velocity and rotation-it's by product gravitational and electromagnetic waves is the opposing force to entropy.  
The balance of the equation. 
Sure not as simple and elegant as E=MC² but no less proof able assuming that the smashed particles in the Large Hadron Collider do, in fact, start to re converge over time.  Either by collision or attraction, probably a combination of both."
"And, you can give a currently observable example of this?"
"Does water run down hill?" 

Level 44

"Jack.  You don't have any governmental experience.  Why do you think you would be effective in office."
"Have you ever seen the anime "solo leveling?"  or maybe "Kaiju No. 8?"   
"Can't say that I have." 
"And that's why you don't think I have experience."
"How do two anime have anything to do with govermental experience?"
"Well, let's roll the clock back to me as a kid.  I spent my summers and free time working with my father and grandfather on public infrastructure projects. Replacing sewer lines, pouring concrete, and laying asphault.  So i'm intimatly familiar with what it takes to do an infrastructure project.  As a young adult in post 9-11 America I was a ground security coordinator at an international airport working alongside Law Enforcment and Military personell to keep air travel safe.  In my 30's I was a public Librarian in a county where the commissioners were doing everything they could to shut them down and hevily defunding the Sherrifs department, and worked to deligitimize public transportation while they increased their own compensation.  I worked alongside the community to secure the Libraries funding protect them from the County Commisioners.  And every step of the way learning about Law, Ecoonomics, Community infrastructure, and Tax Codes."
"And recently?  No one has seen or heard from you in years."
"No one that knew me before certainly, but I've been active in the gaming community working on getting my social anxieties under control so that if/when I found myself in public office I'd be able to keep that anxiety in check and work with people that I heavily disagree with while searching out people that share ideals and goals with myself." 
"Video games, really?"  
"Well, in the Destiny community my team and I built a network of Raid Sherpas that opened the gates to new players and old players that didn't have their own teams.  But unlike many Sherpa communities we avoided teaching exploits in favor of teaching the mechancis.  We made sure everyone was active and not just relegated to sitting in the corner or running the content on their accounts for them.  So that when they finished a raid with us, or not, they felt confident enough in their builds and abilities to enter the more toxic aspect of the LFG raid community to seak their own teams the way we did.  And now I'm working to do the same in VRChat.  While at the same time learning from the community that exists there and being reminded that no matter how good I am at what I do, there's always people better than me at other aspects of the same thing.  Rather humbling really, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything."
"I don't think video games can prepair you for governmental responsibilities."
"Okay bud, you go in there and do what I do.  See how you fair.  I give you a day.  Week at most.  Month tops.  Before you rage quit or get your account band because the communitiy pegs you as a narc or spy." 
"Why don't they hit you with that?"
"Oh, believe you me if I wasn't who I was.  Litereally there for the love of the game while at the same time trying to prove I have the communites best intrests in mind they would have.  Hell, some coreners still try, but how is that any different than being in the Shark infested waters of Politics?  People taking shots at you because they can, don't agree with what you're saying, or think you're being insincere.  Learning to work with people ethically opposed, or working from a position of weaponized mistrust because of the abuse they've already suffered at the hands of people trying sell them the same thing I've been working to build with them." 
"And what's the Mem?"
"Ha, so you have been following what I've been doing."
"Ya got me."
"You watch those anime yet then?"
"No, never watched anime before I've heard it's full of questionable content."
"No more or less than any other genre of animation."
"Long and short of it is that in Solo Leveling someone having to do what they do to help their family no matter how detrimental to their own well being ends up becoming the most powerful in their field because of continuing to work on their own.  And instead of becoming cruel like many that do with that level of power uses it to help and uplift them, turning foes into alies."
"And Kaiju No. 8?" 
"An older dude who works on a clean up crew after monster attacks suddenly finds himself with extrodinary power to fight the monsters while teaching the younger members of the team how knowledge and co-operation can be more effective than over powering force." 
"I've heard your name associated with My Hero Acadamia.  What's that about?"
"No matter how dark or dire the circumstances doing what you can.  With a smile.  And uplifting those that will take your place when age, exhaustion, or injury make it no longer possible to be the hero everyone looks to for guidence."
"And youre uh...hobbies?"
"Ah, yeah, those.  Spoilers aside, those have been about finding a way to offer hope.  Telling stories that anyone could see themselves in. After all, isn't that what Stan said about Spider-Man?  Anyone could be under the mask, Peter Parker just happened to be his own stand in." 
"Going to clean up your Language if you get elected?"
"If the occasion requires it I can temper my tongue and speak with elegance but I won't stop being me if that's what you're asking."
"The beard and hat?" 
"Ha.  Not a chance. I'll take the hat off out of respect or mourning but it stays on.  I'm fairly certain I can find one that stays within the Uniform Code. The folks in VRC already put together an outfit for me that I think will work.  Not a fan of carrying the guns, but then that's the responsibility.  A heavy weight that you wouldn't wish on anyone to carry so you carry it yourself until you can find someone to help you carry it or to take it up if it becomes too much.  Won't cut the beard or hair unless it becomes  safety issue.  But I'd argue that those two things show my sincerity and respect for the communities I'm hoping will trust me not to do to them what my predicssors have one."
"You say that like you've already got the job."
"Fake it til you make it."
"But you don't want that responsibility, why do all of this?"
"I think JFK said.  'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.'"  And I have a rare combination of skills that have the potential to make me succesful where others have failed and the ability to open doors for people that have never had them opened for them before."
"Sounds like a White Savior complex."
"More like recognizing where I come from and the world I live in and what I can do to help change that.  Besides, no matter what these Jackasses in power might try to convince you of none of this is a single player or comp game.  It's co-op with friendly fire, and as many of my teammates have learned over the years I don't put up with friendly fire.  Purposful or accidental." 
"Besides I'm just going to be there to Grade papers and answer questions.  End wars if I can, prevent new ones if I can't, and by the end of it everyone gettitng a chance to visit the moon one way or the other."
"You're obssessed with space aren't you?"
"Just a kid that was promised the moon, given the shit stick in it's place, and trying to make things right for myself and others. If there's someone else out there with a similar background they're probably too smart to do something this dumb."
"You think running for the highest office is dumb?"
"Only a fool thinks they are the only ones that can do the job, and only a narcissit that thinks they know what's best for everyone."
"Isn't that what you're doing?"
"Na man, I'm just the doorman."
"China?"
"Competetor not enemy."
"Ukraine?" 
"Russia needs something, I tend to find out what even though I'm pretty sure I already know and hopefully get the shooting to stop at the same time."
"Isreal?"
"The weapons were meant for defense not offense and that's a mess we're all responsible for cleaning up."
"Iran?"
"A new world Nuclear agreement with regulations even the U.S. will adhere too."
"Grocery prices."
"Africa" 
"going to mind my buisness and offer help where they need it in the form of 'Docs and Chow'"  got a friend in North Africa I want to check in on and make sure is doing okay.  If not, do my best to honor his life's work." 
"Mexico?"
"Work on an E.U. style travel arrangement with both them and Canada."
"Central and South America?"
"Well, first I've got to have a sit down with the Cartels and see if they'll trust me enough to help them properly clearn things up and then help form the A.U."
"A.U.?" 
"American Union.  Indipendent nations working together on common goals, free trade, free travel, open markets."
"You really think you can pull all of that off in a single term?"
"If I've done the prep work right, yeah.  If not I still have to try."
"Why?"
"Because, my 10 year old self needed to believe people like my 40 year old self exists.  Succesful or not, we try.  Use the constitution as a road map, the voices of our ancestors to show us the errors, and the promise of a better world for our decendents the guiding star."
"Seems hopeful."
"Yeah, I mean, someone else ran on that platform already i'm just standing on it."
"So what is your platform then?"
"Foundations."

Day in the Life

 "Hey Jack.  Did you hear about what's happening with Voting rights and who's being labeled as terrorists now?" 
"Yeah, nothing new, just catching em in 4k, real time nowadays." 
"What?"
"Look pimpin ask the Black Panther party about why they were labeled as terrorists.  Asks the Crips and the Bloods where their roots came from.  Ask any Queer person that experienced the 80's and 90's in rural America what their lives were like.  I'll wait til you com back.  Apologies in advance."
"...I'll ask my folks about it later, you think they know why Blank Panther was a terrorists?"
"Not Black Panther, THE Black Panthers.  I'm sure your folks have some opinions on the matter.  Just be careful and don't let 'em catch you slippin."
"Like the way you hide your limp when there's krackers about?"
"Hey, where'd you learn that word?"
"The other day when you were sitting behind the desk and that mean lady was yelling at you about a book.  After she left you said 'Fuckin krackers.'"
"You weren't supposed to hear that man.  What were you doing hiding in the stacks anyways?"
"Found a book on the bottom shelf and was reading on the floor." 
"Damn dude, you a little Ninja.  I didn't even know you'd come in."
"Well that kracker was yelling at you."
"Hey, hey bud we're not supposed to use that kind of language in the library.  It's disrespectful."
"You mean like when the red hat people called my dad a..."
"Whoa bud, another one of those words we don't use in the Library ya dig?"
"I got you."
"Aight, what are you after today?"
"I've got a school assignment about dinosaurs."
"Oh snaps.  Go check out 560 in the non fiction, if you need something more specific let me know I'll see what you tube has while you look."
"Hey...uh...Jack. Kracker alert." 
"Hey what I say?"
"Only use appropriate language. Look behind you."
"Hmmmm..."
"What's hmmm?" 
"Head over to the reference desk and tell them I need a break would ya please, and thank you."
"And thank you?"
"And thank you."
"Can I get my phone out."
"Yeah, but go tell the reference desk first."
"Aight."
"Excuse me, can I help you gents with something?  You need to be accompanied by a child to come in here." 

Eldest

 "So uh...Jack...heard you wanted to give hookers and gigolos labor rights and uh benefits?"
"Yeah, SWU 555 brother, is that a problem?"
"That's uh...not going to be popular with the conservative voters.  Or even some of the moderate voters." 
"Everyone agrees that it's the "oldest profession" right?" 
"I mean..."
"It's even in the Bible. I mean, Jesus washed their feet and everything."
"Yeah but..."
"The stereo type is the toothless hooker, track marks in their arm, out on the street corner giving blow jobs for $20 dollars to some business bro who's going to take dieses home to their wife and kid right?"
"That's just..."
 "I've read "the good book" cover to cover, multiple times, in different printings. And some, we'll call them, supplementary texts to be polite."
"But how..."
"Do you realize how much tax revenue that is?"
"You're going to tax them...?"
"I mean look at where marijuana has been legalized, billions of tax revenue poured into underfunded school and healthcare systems."
"That's different, that's medical..."
"Mental health and well being for the professional and their clients. I mean, all the bro dudes say 'you need to get laid, it'll help you feel better.' " 
"You don't understand..."
"Oh, I understand well enough. I understand that the same people that scream the loudest about Sex Workers are the same ones often found to be the most frequent use of such services."
"Not all..."
"Men, yeah I've heard that line before.   That's also the same men that treat these people as disposable.  Isn't the joke in movies often that there is a Dead Hooker in the trunk and they need to hide the body before someone finds out? Jokes come from somewhere.  And most of the human trafficking in the world is funded and often the focus of such...financial endeavors."
"Those are just..."
"Jokes, yeah, I know.  You know what big business does when they want to shut their competitors down?  Don't worry, I'll tell yeah.  They find a way to cut off their supply, to eat up their resources, and steal their customers."
"But that's...."
"Called harm reduction.  And arguably Sex Workers, if legalized could be trained as mental health professionals, require schooling, training, ethical considerations.  Lord knows those dudes on Wall Street need therapy and they already spend stupid amounts of money on "Dommie Mommies and other S&M fetishes."
"But how..."
"Through the department of health and human services, backed up by the labor department.  Giving those in the industry legal standing to speak out when there is legitimately an abusive or harmful situation and have legal backing to do it.  Isn't that how the Little St. James got started?  Why beauty pageant participants are taught to smile and be silent no matter what?" 
"Hey now..."
"Look, a spade is a spade man.  Can't get around that.  And last I checked the good books they all agreed that God was the final word and judgment on how you spend your life, not your fellow man.  And in the U.S. the constitution says, very explicitly, separation of Church and State.  So pick your poison there bud.  Either the government stays out of the issue and they get smart and start a Church where they're a tax free entity able to "Provide relief to the down trodden" for a small monthly donation of just $1000 dollars like televangelists and other less than reputable religious organizations and take in billions of untaxable income.  Or, the churches stay out of it and the government taxes them like any other industry and makes sure they abide by health and safety standards so Kyle can go home to Karen and the only thing Karen has to worry about is how much she's getting in the divorce settlement instead of having to get their kids tested for STD's because Kyle had been stepping out for years and either didn't know or didn't say he had any issues."
"You're a fuckin' asshole you know that?"
"An adorable one for certain.  And right or wrong it's still the oldest profession."
"So unionized Sex Work.  Unions or Guilds, doesn't much matter in the end as long as they adhere to the ethical standards of the rest of the Mental Health professionals out there."
"What's the difference between a Union and a Guild?"
"Not much at the end of the day.  On paper?  Unions represent large groups of people working on the same projects or for the same company.  Guilds are groups of independent professionals paying into a collective fund to help with legal and medical bills, or if they can't work making sure they have what they need to return to or transition to other work." 
"You're serious aren't you?"
"As a heart attack.  SWU and SWG of America."
"You're insane."
"Yeah.  Kind of have to be to have the level of Narcissism necessary to think I can convince people to do the right thing."
"You think legalizing and regulating sex work is the right thing?"
"Don't hate the player, hate the game.  Can't help that I'm good at it." 
"You're the devil."
"No, going back to the good book.  'the devil was jealous of the free will given to man and works to convince people that they have no choice in there lives.'  I'm just giving a choice.  Believe the devil that's trying to trick you, or trust the person showing you the choices the world has."
"Isn't there a third option?"
"Yeah, we're living it and frankly, I don't want to see another shipping container full of people cooked alive because they were being forced into an unregulated labor market." 
"That's disgusting."
"That's only the ones that made to port.  How many are at the bottom of the ocean?" 
"I..."
"Didn't think about that did you?  That's the problem with being me.  I know more than I'd like but less than I need to.  That's why I study every day and listen to people smarter than I am when I'm uncertain about things." 
"But I've heard you listening and arguing in good faith with people saying some really ignorant things." 
"Yeah, well, I haven't lived their life.  Even a broken clock is right twice a day." 
"Jesus..."
"Yeah, he'd agree with me.  At least that's what the 'Good Book' says."
"You're going to Hell you know that?"
"Not for me to judge, just to help. I'll find out if I make it to St. Peter, or Michael, or Uriel, or any of the other gatekeepers checking the VIP list.  But as with everything I do I'm willing to deal with the consequences if it means making sure people are taken care of and safe. Even if I don't agree with, or even like them.  Even if they don't agree with or like me."
"Did you know you're leg is tapping a million miles a minute?"
"Yeah, it's called redirecting the adrenaline so I stay calm, you should be more worried about when my leg stops shaking?"
"Why."
"Because that's when the adrenaline is under control and I'm ready to fight."
"You're leg just stopped shaking."
"Yep."

Damn it Mat

"....Um....Jack...you know you lost all of your trust rank by nuking your friends list in VRC right?"
"I lost trust by doing that?"
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Let me explain something to you once and slowly.  
They. Lost. MY trust.  Not the other way around." 
"But..."
"but fucking nothing. I was getting stalked and harrassed by someone on my "friends list" and I had no way to found who or how.  the fuck does it matter to me if I have a 'trust rank' when it seems to me all you have to have is a bunch of fucking goons exploiting th system?  Why would I give a fuck about my standing in a community I can't trust?   It's like telling me I should care about what a bunch of racists and biggots think. Because that's exactly what was going on and they, like every other motherfucker that thinks they can intimidate me into silence is going to learn the hard fucking way that's not the case."
"But you don't know who was doing it."
"Doesn't matter, it's the fact that they're advertising to kids but letting the level of trolling and harassment to happen on their platform.  That's why I don't play Tarkov or Ark, because I'm not going to let cruel people use me as a punching bag for their torture fantasies."
"You know not everyone was doing that."
"Not all men dude, not all men."
"...."
"yeah, that's what the fuck I thought.  This bullshit has been going on in the gaming community for too fucking long and I'm fucking tired of it.  I'm not playing along with the bullshit, I've already proven time and time again that I have more skill and knowledge in the gaming space than they do by playing by the rules.  And the fact that they can't keep up without cheating, exploiting, or abusing the systems alraedy in place shows me that either devs are inept or the community not a space for children."
"Well, some people would argue that's the case because Furries and Queer people are on the platform." 
"Bro, Furries and Queer people are the only ones trying to make that a safe space for kids.  Because they've lived the abuse, but the thing is, the very abusers trying to bully people off of the platform are the same ones that villianise those communities for even existing.  It takes all of the time and energy for  Queer, I'm using that as blanket term for the LGBTQIA+ and furry communities to protect themslevs from that kind of shit. Do You know the reason I started cosplaying and going to conventions?" 
"Because you like hot girls in skimpy outfits?" 
"Becuase young people trying to express their love for fandoms and nerd stuff were being harassed  and attacked outside of the conventions and abused physically and sexually when those "good christians" thought they wouldn't be held accountable for those abuses."
"But you had fun right?"
"When I'd forget who I was, sure.   When I was able to loose myself in the art and joy of the exprience.  but no  every time I set foot in a convention hall or space with large groups of people I'm looking for the bombs.  Literally and figurativly.  My imagination, as you may have come to discover reading this and the other thigns I've written that I visualize in minute detail.  I see where the bombs would be placed to do maximum damage and I check them.  I see where an amature, who thinks they're going to do damage would place one, and I check them.  Because in my minds eye I see the effects done to the crowd. I'm constantly scanning hands and sillouttes for weapons.   I can't, not.  That's what 20 years of war in Afghanastan did to me."
"But you didn't serve, you never went over seas."
"Exactly.  What the fuck do you think I've been doing state side all these years?  Tell me what the fuck my job was at the airports."
"Oh..."
"Yeah.  Oh."
"So, what are you going to do with VRC?" 
"My job."
"What's the mean?"
"I give the devs and the community a chance to prove me wrong.   If they don't, I take my buisness elswhere.  I was interviewing them, not the other way around." 
"Interviewing them for what?"  
"As a place for the Role Playing Guild to call home.  I've looked at all the other platforms and found them lacking and if/when I end up in office I'm going to have to pass that torch and I want to make sure it's in good hands before I do and it's going to be a platform where everyone feels welcome and abuse not tolorated."
"You can't make everyone feel welcome, that's not possible." 
"No shit sherlock. Pretty sure I've been clear about where I draw that line and why I have to find people willing to do what I did in the physical world but in the digital one.  I've been nothing but clear about any of that." 
"So what is the plan then?"
"Same as it's always been.  Offer a supurior product, pay the workers what they're actually worth, not what some fucking investor trying to make their bottom line look better thinks they're worth.   I'm going to Unionize the platform.  I'm going to give every dev, programmer, Q.A. Tester, and moderator something the suits have been trying to avoid giving them since the gaming community emerged. I'm just missing 2 things. A union rep and a name.  Thought I"m thinnking "Digital Workers Guild"  or the "DWG"  and petition to have them adopted as a branch(s) of their hollywood counter parts. I've been carrying the contract for that around in my backpack since 2015 in preperation for making sure I stayed to the letter on the emulments clause.  Be it for 10 or 10 million people, I was going to make sure they ended up with pay and benefits equal to that of any other profession." 
"What's the catch?" 
"The catch?"
"Why are you finding it so difficult to find a platform create such a Union and/or guild?" 
"They have to accept the porn stars and strippers along with Ms. Rachel and Steve." 
"yeah that ain't happening."
"Says the corporate shill." 
"Strippers are dancers.  Everyone agrees on that point."
"And porn stars?"
"Stunt performers if I've ever seen one.  Body on the line, peak physical prowess in thier...endevours." 
"Okay....let's say I'm willing to listen to this argument. Why 'Guild' instead of 'Union' ?  
"Because if the independant contractors aren't represented and protected then no one is." 
"That's...actually a good point." 
"Yep  that's why I fucking hate Mat Mercer."
"Wait, you hate Mat Mercer?"
"Well, more like jelous because he stole thunder." 
"What thunder, you don't even run int he same circles." 
"Yeah, but...yeah but....yeah but... by hosting games with actors and voice actors that dickhead created the precident I needed to make all this work.  Like the mathmatical proof of a physics model."
"And you're jelous of that?" 
"Yeah, I wanted to do that. And every time I hear someone bring up Critical Role I just want to kick a baby."
"Don't kick the baby." 
"I know, it's just a figure of speech." 
"I was agree.....you know what, never mind."
"Oh...sorry, having to figure out how to negotiate with economic terrorists that gaslight the shit out of everyone makes me forget that folks may actually be speaking in good faith and down shifting the gears isn't an immediate thing." 
"Economic terroists?" 
"Billionairs."
"But not all....you know what? .I hear it now."
"Exactly." 
"You might have to be the Uniion rep to bargain on their behalf." 
"Fuck."
"You're good at it and everyone sees it."
"Fuck."
"You've already drawn up the paperwork for pay and compensation standards."
"Fuck."
"You've demonstrated time and time again across every project and platform you've worked on that the model works and that you'll protect artists and profesionals even if you don't like their work."
"Fuck." 
"You plan on using the settlments to pay everyone that's worked on the project for free their fair wage."
"Fuck."
"When there's trouble you call D.W." 
"I still need paid myself."
"Just collect Union Dues, there's already a book keeping firm down the road that can handle the accounts and pay roll."
"I'm not going to use Union dues to enrich myself, besides, you know my phiosophy. I don't get paid until they get paid." 
"So what are you waiting for?" 
"The Devs to make an apppointment and come to the table in good faith so we can create the precident the industry needs."
"How do you know if they got the message and are ready to negotiate?
 either when my rank hits trusted by their account over ride or they knock on my door. Pretty sure they know how to find me." 
"So what do you expect out of it then, your pay?"
"already told ya man. $20.05 million, after taxes. and I'v already laid out what I plan to do with it.  To the penny.  I just need to be in a position where I can negotate from a position of "Fuck you." and relocate after."
"You already operate from a postion of 'Fuck you."'
"Oh yeah...well...I'd like my bank account to reflect that instead of having to question my sanity all the time." 
"Let's say the Devs agree to terms and you get your pay out, what's the missing piece to the puzzle that prevents you from pulling the trigger on the deal?" 
"Because, the rest of the guild needs to be paid what I am when the dust settles.  We make that happen and I'll sign the paperwork."
"Which guild?" 
"DBRPG, the players that have sat around my table over the past 30 or so years.  My friends thought I abanond them to become a shill, a narc, a rat depending on who you talk to.  when the reality is I took the message of SLC punk to heart and ingrained the old saying into my every action." 
"What's that?" 
"With great power, comes great responsibility.   Now if you'll excuse me a player has a question and I try not to leave them waiting when we've got a campaign underway." 

Rock out with your Chickens

 "How's fishing going tonight Jack?"
"Ehh, quiet. I start later and people are usually drawn to the more busy instances. But that's alright.  I was able to finalize the world design for how I want to host D&D games.  Now I just need to sketch it out."
"Wait...you finished the design but haven't sketched it yet?"
"Yeah.  Visualization, memorization, then paper and pencil/keyboard.  Doesn't everyone build things in their mind to the tiniest detail then put it to paper."
"Not usually, no." 
"oh...well...yeah.  I kind of had to adapt to that style after..."
"You don't have to talk about it anymore, I think folks know." 
"Cool." 
"You okay?"
"Mostly, just a matter of shaking the money trees now."
"You figure out how to make the money back?"
"So what are you doing sitting there by yourself then?"
"office hours, updating the group page, planning the next session, listening to homework." 
"And after?" 
"Probably go fishing in other instances and listen to the wind, play some music if I catch trolls trying to content farm people." 
"How does that keep them from content farming?"
"Licensed music playing the background get's their streams flagged for copyright violations and their clips unusable on youtube and twitch." 
"What bout you, isn't that a TOS's breach?"
"Na man, I'm not monetizing, streaming, or using it for advertising purposes just listening to it and jamming with folks close by.   Library Rules man."
"Library Rules?"
"Free Use and Personal Use, using music to protect myself and those around me. Like wearing headphones in public, in my car, or on my boat."
"You're a slippery Bitch you know that?"
"Just following the rules when other's don't."

Excelsior

 You know. 
I realize that not a lot of people out there really understand what this blog is/about.  
It's called 
Jack's Dialogical self right?  
Based around the "Dialogical Self" Theory in psychology.  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialogical_self

In short it is reflection of the multitude of experiences and relationships a person has had in life that shapes them into the person that the world sees and interacts with.  

So...some of the stuff you may read from this blog you might find triggering. 
Apologies for that. 
This blog is my unedited thoughts. 
Sometimes corrected for spelling or clarification, but still stream of conciseness.  Because, yes, I do type that fast if I  don't stop to think about it. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness

Just understand, that the "Me" that was shaped by a lot of the derogatory words or phrases used here is of the people that surrounded me in my developmental years, or imitations of people that I still hear talking like that.  New slang, new words.  But it's all the same hateful bullshit. 

As for myself, the core self.  
I'm a god damn Marshmallow. 
But just because I'm soft, full of sugar, and palatable doesn't mean I'm not dangerous if you light me on fire. 
But if you roast me just right I'm the core ingredient to a 'smores. 
 
A lot of that vitriol that bubbles to the surface in the writing is so that I can get it out somewhere instead of having the say the words myself.  

Believe you, me.  
A lot of that stuff, when I was younger, I was ignorant to the damage they carried. 
I never understood why my black and brown friends only ever came over to hang out once when I was a child and would often not be my friends after. 

So when you see me use words that would likely get censored on broadcast television.  Here, or when doing an accent out in the world. Understand that it is imitation not my feelings. And they pain they cause to others hurts me often, more in the saying or writing than it does to a person that would feel attacked by them. 

I support transitioning and queer rights. 
Because they're human rights. 
Simple as that.  
It's why I smoothed my accent out and use words like Soda instead of Pop even though that's what everyone else I grew up around calls it. Because I had to loose the accent to get rid of the hurtful dialogue.  Almost to the point that my accent only comes out when I force it, even though, in my head I still sound like an old cowboy.  

Fun Fact : Cowboy, back in the day, referred specifically to non white cattle men. If you were you white you were a Cowhand.  Hollywood tried really hard in the 50's and 60's to erase that history.  Like a less obvious version of black face. 
I'm not saying Westerns or Western styled shows and movies are racist as a whole.  I love some, Like the Magnificent 7. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2404435/ 

Which is a remake of an older movie of the same name

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magnificent_Seven

 based on the Kurosawa film Seven Samurai. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_Samurai

Yes, I've seen all of them multiple times.

Here, I just don't usually site the sources because, this blog is my inner monologue. 
My inner self. 
and I don't typically memorize web addresses...anymore...often...
Okay, maybe I do because back in the day you had to.  No bookmarks, no quick links, no ai assisted search results.  
either you new the addresses or you knew how to utilize the search engines to do what AI does now.  
Yeah, back in the 90s to get decent results you had to understand the web code in the search engines to get good results.  
Otherwise you'd just get back random stuff that contained the words you put in the search bar. 
Which...is...actually kind of where the AI is/was not even a few months ago. 
That's why I never use it for searches or results, I read it but scroll past it to find the sources. 
That's why Librarians,  Reference and Research are still the best sources. 
 Because they're literally trained to sort through the bullshit and find the truth in the data. 
The master of media literacy. 

Reference and Research
R&R get it?
:)

As in R&R investigations. 
Originally Rachel and Robert Investigations.
Rebranded in later years to be R&R,  as in Rest and  Relaxation.  
Because I often work pro bono for non profits and human rights organizations which means having to do a 9-5 to pay my bills so when I would take vacation or sick days at the 9-5.  It was more often than not to work on a case. 
Hell, I don't even think I know what a day off really looks like since I've had so few of them over the years. 
Never had an actual vacation. 
 When I was younger my vacations were either working on a farm, in a garden, or replacing sewer lines.  As I got older...well...you'd have to ask other people from the firm and/or the people who've I've helped.  


So you ask why I'm going after such big fish. 
Why I'm not afraid to take on people that aren't used to having their wrong doing brought to light. 
Often believe that it will never happen and that they've gotten away with abuses and atrocities. 
It's because there's a whole lot of otters, bears, and ... I don't know what the Lesbian equivalencies would be, I should ask some of my friends because I never pried that deeply into their personal lives other than to give my opinions on their their choice of partner, if they asked.
Damn it, lost the clever line because of that. 
Anyways. 
It's because I've got a lot of mouths to feed and I don't like seeing food go to waste. 

Outside of that I just like telling a good story, and the best stories are laced with the deepest truths. 
Just know, the MCU is safe, regardless of what the suits say. 
Because, in the contract, if it doesn't finish all rights revert back to Marvel, and everything that the companies distributing under those rights reverts back the R&R.  

So the question is kids: Do you want to see the ending I wrote or shut it down and watch the companies collapse as their coffers are emptied into mine?  
Personally.  
I want to see the end of the MCU. 
Hell it's still on schedule, and from the box office numbers, still operating under budget.
That's funny thing though, the trick of trade.
Why I'm a clever little cat.  
Because the House of Mouse is just renting my castle and under their roof or mine it'll get finished.

So spoiler alert.  
To all the haters saying "they're running out of ideas"  "They're just doing cash grabs"  "It's turned into woke DEI bullshit" or any of the other negativity out there that surrounds, especially the more current projects.  Know that every single one of them were in the outline from the start.  
Even factoring in the Losses of people like Chadwick Boseman.  

...Hold on...need to stop crying so I can continue...

I wrote the ending first and worked backward allowing the creative freedom for the folks doing the work on the ground to be able to weave their own stories and experiences into it. 
And honestly, the MCU was never created to make money. 

It was created to be a school.  

To offer a space where young actors and behind the scenes magicians to learn where they wouldn't have to deal with the Weinstein's and the Diddy's just to get their art out there. Where they could work side by side with the best of the best and, as in the current 'phase', the middle of the story, take the reigns and see what they do with it. 

I made a comment when Wonder Man came out (yep, even that was planned) about how I was disappointed with some of the recent projects.  
I was, specifically referring to the opening of Secret Invasion. Where AI assets were left in the opening credits.  Because AI to me is the equivalent of a mood board or Pinterest page.  
After the whole purpose of the MCU is for artists to be able to art, actors to be able act. 

I think my original quote, the argument I made to get the best of the best on board to, to accept in the Hollywood world equivalent of a teacher's salary compared to their usual CEO level wages was a simple piece of advice.  

"You're making the incredible Mr. Limpet.  A blend of animation and live action.  So have fun with it.  don't take it to seriously, keep the young ones safe. After all, if we are successful we'll be creating the next Beowulf. A tale that will be told and retold for generations.  If we aren't then we'll have some fun projects to put on our resumes and move on with our lives." 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Incredible_Mr._Limpet

I can't help it that a bunch of crusty old white dudes that didn't or don't understand the assignment want to shut it down because it's "not profitable enough".  
You here people saying " A Marvel movie has to make twice it's budget back to be considered successful"
Which is kind of true but not. 
 Because the success of one project needs to cover the costs of the next. 
Simple as that. 
But, we're so far in now that the remaining movies could make zero dollars and the rest could still, conceivably come in under budget for the project as a whole. 
It blows my mind that things have gotten this far when at most I was expecting a no from the initial offers. 
That's why the suites always back down and the lawyers fume as they fail to find a loop hole.  

That Doomsday is just around the corner and Secret Wars....well...spoilers.

So keep looking up True Believers...fucking tears...
To Quote Stan 

"Bigotry and racism... can't be halted with a punch in the snoot... The only way to destroy them is to expose them"

https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/10303.Stan_Lee

~~~
"Jack, some people say you can tell the future with your predictions what do you say to that?" 
"I can't tell the future.  But I can tell a good story from time to time and stories are just a reflection of the people around the story teller. It just seems like magic because not everyone sees in the mirror what the rest of the world sees in them."
~~~~

Stay safe out there.

Higher than a giraffes ass.

I had this really clever line planned for opening this post.  
But it's hard to remember and focus on what I want to say when I'm constantly in pain. 
I do my stretches.  I do my excercises, I try to sit still.  
I can take asprin or ibuprofen.  
But only so much if I want to keep my stomach liner and liver.
I try to read. 
Try to distract myself. 
But at the end of the day it's like an electric shock to the brain and it over writes everything I was trying to say. 
It's kind of funny when you think about it. 
Most people, when they smoke a little pot get less focused.  
Where as when I smoke, I become more focused.  
The pain less.
Not gone.  
Manageable. 

The clever lines and cohesive stories flow without interruption.
Sure. 
I might go off on long winded tangents into something that may be completely irrelevant, maybe trail off if the thought isn't fully formed or incomplete but it doesn't take long to find the path again, to follow the story thread to it's conclusion. 

But with the pain?
My voice will sound mean as I grit my teeth through it. 
The thoughts gone as the storm passes through my body and I struggle to pick up where I left off. 
Like a smack in the face. 

I'm going to need to go to the dentist soon. 
or get a mouth piece again.  
Or both. 
Because gritting my teeth over the past few months has worn them back down again. 

I've been able to get some of the D&D stuff down and posted so the players can have a firmer sense of what's going on in the larger world around them. 
But, like with this little post, when I sat down to write it. 
After composing most of it while stretching eating breakfast just blipped.  
Fragmented as the pain hit. 
Lost as I sat down and realized the composition was gone. 
So instead I just let my fingers dance over the keyboard in the flow of thoughts that is becoming this post. 
That's why it's a little easier when trying to write session recaps and things.
 Because every time I look at the character sheets, or here the players voices talking excitedly about what happen last session, or what their goals are, or even just shooting the shit and checking in with each other to make sure everyone is okay helps hold on to the story to the other of the storms. 
But actually sitting down to write them is difficult with everything else that comes along with pain. 
The memories that trigger the muscle memmory, that trigger the feelings of those moments, and back to the guilt of still being alive.  
But even with that I've been finding it easier to at least hold on to myself and not let the pain push me into snapping.  
With all of the people and distractions and everything else taking place I've only had one moment that I wasn't able to keep my compsure while teaching, and god damn if the people around me didn't step in to give me a moment come back to myself. 
That, I think, is more of a miracle in my mind than any ....
Shit...there it is again. 
The hiccup, the pain, the interruption. 
But instead of struggling back to where I lost the thought I'm moving forward.  
It's all I can do, all things considered.  
So what do I really want for my birthday? 
Flowers for my pipe, friends to tell stories with, and the ability to come and go as I please. 
So far I've got 1 on that last. 
The other two are limited by resources and responsibility. 
I know, that if I get that Job. 
If I get stuck in that office. 
If I have to look at my friends and tell them they've lost loved ones, or they are the loved ones lost, that I won't be able to sit and smoke my pipe all day.   
Hell, my lungs wouldn't be able to take it 
and there's no buts to that. 
Just is. 

So, smoke 'em if you got em. 
I'll save mine for scotch in cigars if I get saddled with the responsibility. 
And trust my friends to tell me when it's safe. 
Outside of that, all I can do is keep going, keep telling stories, teaching those that listen, and learning from those that teach. 

Stay Safe

Edit : 
Was talking about Warhammer with some folks. 
About how much the armies cost in money and time to be able to play "as intended".  
And a young dude goes "So it was pay to win even then?"
It didn't occur to me to give a proper answer until I woke up. 

Through all of  history, everything has been pay to win.  
It's just a matter of if you're paying in time, resources, or sanity. Often times a combination of the three. 
See. 
Clever. 
But fragmented. 
I prefer to be able to write the composition down all at once, undistracted. 

Anyways....
Something, something, dark side.  
Back to work. 

The Rogue Librarian

"I do a job. I get paid. I go home." 
Simple as that. 

"Where's the rest of the Money coming from Jack?"
"The Bank."
"Taking out loans are you, aren't you still sitting on Credit Card debt?"
"mmmhmmm.   Let's talk about that.  You remember the Housing Crisis of 2008?   How the banks were giving out loans they knew people couldn't pay back, at interests rates that loan sharks and fast cash shops wishes they could away with?"
"Uhhh, the rates weren't that high?"
"Weren't they though?  Didn't people loose their homes, their jobs, their lively hoods because of it?   At least when you don't pay a loan shark they just break your finger or you knee and call it a day.   Not only did they cause the crash, get bailed out by the American tax payer, they financed invest firms to buy up the housing stock after and ridiculously low rates because they knew they were the only ones that could afford it, then slowly increased the rent and everything else because of "added value" 
"That's just business." 
"That's fucking people over 3 times with the same dildo and not even cleaning it off between."
"Gross."
"No shit." 
"So...okay...you didn't have a housing loan, why the credit cards."
"When I signed up for it, not because I needed it but because that was the only way to "build credit" in order to access other services, like personal loans, car loans, and home loans." 
"Right, that's how credit cards work." 
"Indeed, however, With Bank of America specifically, I opened the account under those terms.  Because I only used it for travel and emergencies and always paid on time, they increased the credit limit.  I didn't ask for it, they just did it.  Now, I let this ride, because I was like, okay...seems sus, but maybe that's just a reflection of a good payment history."
"Yeah, that's how it works."
"No, it's not.  They, the bank, increase your limit it prevents from utilizing that credit limit in other capacities.  Then, if you want to close the account, because that's the only option at that point.  Close the account and open another one, your credit report gets hit and you have to, not start over, but earn back the standing they took from you."
"Uhhh...that's?...what?"
"Exactly how it works.
  "Now with Bank of America they started closing physical locations.  Because, you know, having locations and people working at them costs money.  And why spend money on loan officers and financial consultants that will educate your customer base and help them navigate the complexities of finance when you can just have an automated call line that will frustrate them into giving up and taking the loss on the chin?" 
"Except I didn't take it on the chin.  I went to their headquarters to demand the arbitration that was in the contract for the credit line. To negotiate for relocation costs so that I could move when I I found a job.  They told me they no longer offered those services, when that was the whole reason I had agreed to the credit line to begin with, and then chased me out of the headquarters because they...well...that would be acknowledging there was a problem if they actually talked to me. But they didn't."
"Well you did show up unannounced."
"So did the removal of physical locations, removal of services, and increase of credit history.   Fair is Fair."  
"What about the Chase Card, you've got more on that then the BoA card."
"That's business.  To Chases credit, when I explained what was going on they froze the account at my request until I could sort the bullshit with Bank of America.  Which has been a continuous game of tag since then.  They, Bank of America, sent it to collections without the arbitration and it's been one collections agency after another bouncing that debt down the road every time I pull the receipts.  Because they know, as well as I do, that they have no legal claim over that debt and that they're just acting as that automated line, trying to frustrate me into capitulating and just paying it out of hand."
"Seems like a petty amount to piss and moan over when you negotiate million dollar contracts and billion dollar deals for fun." 
"It's the principle of the matter."
"So what, Chase is just giving you an interest free pass on that account."
"No, they're waiting for the settlement to come through."
"Seems like a gamble on their part."
"Banks don't gamble.  Banks are the house and the house always wins."
"And the Walmart account?"
"You mean the, I was starving and on the street and need groceries and when they refused to act on the Fraud tip I told them about?  I'll get to that after I deal with Bank of America." 
"And how much do you think they owe you then?" 
"Me?  $20.05 Million after tax.  They can calculate the tax obligation on that, I've done enough free math for them already." 
"Wait, I thought that was supposed to come from all the Trillion and Billionairs you're rummaging the pockets of." 
"They don't have enough Cash Assets to cover that. Are you kidding me?  Fucking having a yard sale of their shit just to come up with half of it at best.  Did you think I was going to start this VRC project without a plan to come up with the missing funds.  Honey, I write the Endgame before I even make the first move."
"And Chase is going along with this why?"  
"Because they're going to get paid and the Bank of America settlement is going to run through their system. And so far in this whole mess, the only institution that's held up their end of the bargain every step of the way concerning my contracts."
"All this over Three Grand?" 
"Slings and Arrows my friend.  $3k may not seem like a lot from someone negotiating from my position but for others that's the difference between life and death. Medication and a diabetic coma."
"So you're going to shut down Bank of America and do what?  What about all those people going out of work?"
"Didn't I tell you my plan for the Post Office and what they were before the Banks lobbied them to the brink of extinction?"
"You're serious aren't you?"
"Deadly, Bank of America isn't going to be a finger in peoples eyes anymore.  It's going to be the actual Bank of Ameria and anyone above the rank of Loan officer is going to have to ride their golden parachutes out the window."
"So they get away even though the Bank closes."
"Doesn't close, just goes under new management.  And they better enjoy the float because they're parachutes are dropping them into the Den of Lions that Sandra trained." 

"Holy shit..."
"Like I said.  I play the long game, because that's what they play." 
"Still not enough money for the project."
"Most of it."
"The rest?"
 "Well, that comes from the community and the companies that want to be in on the project. We have the market place, they sell on it, we take 15% off the top and reinvest it into the community. Lower rate than what most other market places take, and that 15% goes into paying people to protect IPs and keep the community safe." 
"And you think a bunch of Furries, programmers, artists, and Indi devs are going to back this play and help you get the project done in under a year?"
"2 years if there's hiccups, but yeah."
"What do they get out of it.  Paid, work in their chosen fields, knowing their art will be protected on the platform and misuses handled accordingly.  Oh, and the 4nd case." 
"Wait...4th case?"
"The student loan companies. 
 Biggest thing that holds any artist or college grad back from following their passions, loans for degrees they were convinced to get for jobs that didn't exist after they got them, or if they did, paid so little it didn't cover the costs of the education that was required to get them."
"What were the other two."
"Well, one's closed but I didn't take the credit for it because all I did was outline the plan." 
"The other?"
"Still under investigation.  But, have you visited the library yet?  I wouldn't recommend it, it'll leave stain on your soul you won't be able to get rid of.  But if you need to for work, or are just that morbidly curious, or a survivor looking for closure, it's there." 
"You okay?"
"No, but getting better." 
"I hear you."
"Yep, so, instead of the People bailing out the banks, the banks will be bailing out the people.  Fair is fair." 
"Why not put the screws to all of the banks?"
"Doing that would collapse the system, and I'm giving the rest the chance to, shape up so to speak." 
"Elliot Ness huh?"
"Yeah, but not a Fed.  An independent researcher and consultant.  Which is what it takes to be Elliot Ness in today's world if you want people to trust I'm not doing this out of greed or to fuck them over." 

https://youtu.be/omfz62qu_Bc

Huckleberry Pie

Doc Holiday. 
People are going to say I'm Schizophrenic. Already assume it in a lot of ways because I talk to myself.  I hear the voices so to speak.  When the truth is it's composition.  Vocal stems.  And trying to imagine how people will react.  
Like playing chess against myself to figure what moves can be made on a finite number of spaces. 
They're going to claim DiD.  Dissociative identity disorder.  
When in truth, I'm just really good an code switching, because if I hadn't become that I would have been killed by my abusers for speaking out.
 
"Well, why didn't you reach out, people would have protected you, especially as a child."
"You mean the same people that protected those abusers?  Ate and drank with those abusers? The people that broke bread and shared lives with those abusers?   That's who I was supposed trust and be myself?"

"I'm sure there was someone."
"In a place where queer kids were attacked with impunity and harassed on the street? Where open farm land and hunting accidents were a thing?  Where sterilization and institutionalization was the common practice for people with mental disabilities?   You mean I should have trusted those authorities to keep me safe?" 
"...."
"Yeah, go fuck yourself." 

So yeah, if you want the actual diagnosis for what is wrong with me.  Especially now as an adult?
It's called the Doc Holiday complex.  
It's a mentality of "I'm going to die anyway, so I might as well do it honestly and on my feet." 
I'm Autistic.
With a mild form of Tourette's and less than mild Tinnitus caused by various head injuries.
And instilled with a sense of Justice shaped by Super Heroes and Fantasy Novels.  the only places the world ever made sense.  When, literally, in a world the very same people tried to Gaslighting me, and every other kid of my age, into thinking was no longer a problem.  Taught in schools with the same Vague hand waving as the Greeks and Romans. When in reality the Janitor that looked us for us kids, helped fix our box cars, and looked for us is the same person that, now, under the current administration would be tossed in detention and shipped "back to where they came from."  That even though I lived in a neighborhood that's as close to Spanish Harlem as you can get in Kansas all of the teachers were white. Save for one young Mexican? Puerto Rican?  Doesn't matter.  Her accent was like mine and she taught with an awareness that most others didn't. 
So yeah.
I played pretend so I wouldn't be lobotomized. 
But, that's the story of any young person or woman, black man, non-English as a first language person in that area at that time.  You dance for whitey and pretend you don't hear what's being said at or about you. 

"No hablas English senior."
"Fuckin wet backs."
"Si Puto"
"Puto?  What's the mean."
"Porque Amigo, Como se dice perra?"
"Ah, yeah, Amigo.  I know what that means."
"Si amigo, Eres Una perra."
"If you weren't such a hard worker I'd throw you in a ditch and bury you."
"Si lo se, por eso no hablo contigo." 
"los see ento?"  That mean's "I'm sorry" right?   You don't have to be sorry for not understanding me amigo, I don't know why they don't make you learn English before letting you in the country.  At least you work harder than the Darkies."
"Debarias aprender espaniol."
"I comprende amigo.  You don't understand english"
"Si, solo espaniola para perros"


"What were you saying there Jack?"
"Oh...uh...speaking in tongues I guess.  The devil got a hold of me for a minute."
"Sounded like Spanish."
  Oh na, Elvish.  You know, like from the Hobbit."
"That has Witchcraft in it doesn't it?"
"oh...uh...I guess so."
"Have you been baptized?" 
"mmmhmmm"
"Good, we don't need to loose any more good Christian soldiers to Satan's lies."
"Yes sir, what ever you say sir."
"Good man."

So yeah.  
Official diagnosis Doc Holiday complex. At least that's what it's called colloquially. 
 'Dunno what the current DSM has it classified under.   
Put simply an acceptance of death and not letting the fear of it control you.
In the Wheel of time they call it "Sheathing the Blade" 
So, dear reader you ask;  how did I, Jack,  disarm multiple armed attackers without being shot? 
 I didn't. 
 I just made sure they shot me where I wanted them too, like sacrificing a queen to take a knight who's exchange leaves the King open for the killing blow. Then watched their confusion as I took their guns away. 
 Other than that It was no hesitation, dumb luck, and the arrogance of youth.

Stay Safe
Intentare hacer lo mismo
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