Poor Sweet Summer Child

 "Where'd ya go Jack?" 
"To reflect on why I don't trust people."
"Kind of Dark for first thing in the morning isn't it?" 
"Yeah, well, end of the day all I can do is take the L and go back to being me."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Mute mostly."
"What about the D&D game?"
"Oh, if they contact me I'll run the game. If they don't then no sweat off my back." 
"I thought you were excited about that." 
"I was excited to build something new out of the ashes of something old." 
"But in the end everyone thinks I'm still full of shit when all I've done is tell the truth."
"People don't like the truth, you know that."
"Yeah, well as I've already said to two people tonight that seem to think they were the ones to upset me."
'It's easy to kick the retarded kid following the rules around'

"Dude, that's fucked."
"Doesn't make it any less true. Question is, what happens when I stop playing by the rules?" 
"Don't do that Jack, you know that the rules are the only thing that keeps anyone safe."
"Yeah...but it would be so easy...."
"No...stop right there, you don't want to go down that road again."
"Which one?  The one where I give up because every time I open myself up to trust people I get kicked in the dick in some way?  Or the one where I start beating them at their own game because I stop following my rules and start following theirs?"
"I thought you were supposed to be doing character creation, writing character intros, rebuilding the database in the server." 
"I was. Made some decent progress too, but then people decided to fuck with my zen and it all went out the window."
"You need sleep, you need food."
"You know I can't sleep when I'm crunching on a problem and I'm about out of food.  Need to make it last." 
"So you're just going to starve."
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"If you're not careful it could be the last."
"If I'm successful I won't have to worry about it anymore."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"To quote Captain Tight Pants. 'I do a job, I get paid, I go home."
"I thought you were home."
"No, I haven't been home in over 20 years."
"Oh, where's that then?"
"Where my heart is.  Where my Soul is."
"Thought you said you didn't have one and sold the other."
"True. Can't have a heart if someone else has it and I didn't sell it to the devil if that' what you're worried about."
"So you're not mad?"
"Irritated because I tied my own hands years ago.  Wanting to withdraw again after pulling myself out of my shell for the fist since...Well, since...you know what?  I've never pulled myself out of my shell before, someone else always dragged me out.  All I ever wanted was a place to call home, place to feel safe and I let myself pretend for a night and when reality knocked 
"So which is it then back to whorin or back to work?"
"Neither, I'm on strike until I get paid. I'm not working for free anymore."
"You don't work for free, you get paid."
"No, I work and hope I'm going to get paid.  So far, that hasn't happened.  I do the work, I bill my hours, then I hope to get paid, usually I get paid just enough to buy groceries and the occasional treat.  I'm still working with broken tools and salvaged parts.  Only thing new is the gpu and even that wasn't new when I bought it. Last decades model with some pretty lights on it."
"So what's the plan then?"
"Same as it's always been.  Try not to die and when I finally get paid what I'm owed disappear and never been heard from again." 
"And if you don't get paid?"
"Then I don't eat, I could steal the food I guess.  Done that a time or two when I was starving but in the end what's the point if I'm just going to be in the same situation again a couple of months or even a couple of weeks from now?" 
"You could humble yourself."
"I've tried that and it just put me right back where I started.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars."
"You're not in jail there bud, you're free to come an go as you please."
"Fuck off. Free to come and go means I have the resources to do so. Which every time I pull those together, find a good job, and start to make progress I get stalled until they're depleted, find out the job wasn't what it was or can't take it because the resources to get me there ran out, or I get reset back to zero because I find myself working for free again."
"Sooo...You're giving up."
"On what?"
"All the stuff you've talked about, the stories, the heroes, the students?"
"I can't, not, tell stories.  That's who I am. I'll just go back to telling them to myself since no one is listening, or doesn't seem to be. The heroes have been hands off since I gave the marching orders and I'm no longer involved so can't give up on something that doesn't need or want me.  And the students don't need a tired old dude hanging around telling old war stories just so he doesn't forget the people that were lost along the way." 
"What about the script?"
"What script? Which script? The moment I put it all to paper it just disappears again.  And with everything else going on no one needs or wants my help anyways.  
I've been hacked daily for people trying to get spoilers and shit not realizing I plugged that hole a long time ago."
"You know they're just jealous, want you to give up because if you succeed that means you were right."
"Jealous of what? being in pain every day? waking up screaming when the memories hit?  Not being able to sleep until exhaustion overtakes me so that I can avoid dreaming all together? Pick your poison there buttercup."
"Because they can't do what you do Jack."
"What's that.  Get hit in the mouth?  Kicked in the dick? Punched in the throat."

"Get back up dude.  How many times have you been knocked on your ass?"
"More times than I can count or even remember at this point."
"And how many times have you gotten back up"
"every single one, I wouldn't be here today if I didn't"
"Exactly. "
"So what are you going to do?"
"Same thing I always do."
"What's that."
"Breath fire, speak the truth, probably get hit in the mouth again."
"Starting to think you like that."
"Not at all, I just don't hit back and that unnerves them more than if I did."
"Keep that attitude because I know how much you want to." 
"It would be so easy."
"Yeah, but when have you ever done anything easy?"
"I took a whole week off once and just lived out in the woods."
"How long ago was that?"
"uhhh....Junior year of high school?  I don't even think anyone noticed I'd been gone."
"Go do that." 
"To old for that kind of shit if it isn't life or death or "glamp" fabulous."
"Still think you could survive in the wild with just a knife?"
"Don't even need the knife."
"Cocky."
"No, just true. A rock becomes a knife and a few sticks a trap. Dinner as soon as I find the trails and tracks."
"Prove it." 
"Fuck off.  I don't work for free and I don't kill unless I have to."
"So if you run out of food?"
"I get my pocket knife out and catch a bunny."
"Go to bed dude, you're just talking out of your ass now."
"I still don't know who to trust." 
"How you going to fix that?"
"Get some sleep, try again tomorrow." 
"See Jack. That's what they're jealous of?  What that I'm disabled, essentially unemployed, and have access to zero benefits to remedy any of that." 
"I thought that's what you were working on down there."
"It is...but...it takes time and right now it's a race against the clock and my dwindling pantry."
"You've got this bud."
"I know."
"Stop moping."
"I'm not."
"Get back to work"
"I'm multitasking."

Fly me to the moon...

 "So any insights after crunching your "moon data" there Jack?" 
"Yep."
"Just spit it out." 
"We're only on stage 2 of...shit I can't remember how many.  But so far everything's on schedule.  I'm just double checking if anything needs to be updated or revisited."
"Wait, stage 2 of what?"
"Well.  Orion has met it's benchmarks and has some tricks up it's sleeve that haven't been revealed yet and Artemis, so far and surprisingly, is on schedule.  So in my book we're actually ahead of schedule.  Next step is project Enterprise." 
"Like as in Star Trek?  You want to put a Star Trek ship in space."
"Na...I mean yeah...but....not yet." 
"Okay....?"
"The shuttle, sitting mothballed in a museum right now. Gonna put it back to work.  It and the others."
"Those things are dangerous to launch and even more dangerous to land." 
"Yeah, well, we don't need to land 'em, just get them into orbit."
"Why exactly?"
"Here's the thing.  The international space station is getting old and needing replaced. The original, not my, plan was to drop it in the ocean and then start from scratch.  I don't mind the starting from scratch thing, but it would be the biggest waste in human history to drop it back down to earth regardless of if it survived the "landing" or not. I'm going to send it to the moon and use the shuttles to do it."
"You want to fly the space station to the moon?  With the Shuttles?" 
"Yep, that's the plan."
"You're insane."
"Yeah, but think about how cool it would be?  Not to mention the trillions of dollars worth of effort that went to getting all that shit up there in the first place.  I say, send it to the moon, use the shuttles as retro stabilizers and thrusters to get it there.  Put it in orbit, and if for some reason it's unusable or too damaged drop it on the surface for future missions to scavenge for parts, supplies, and data.  Less of a waste than dropping it in the ocean or burning it up in the atmosphere and if it survives the trip we have a fulling functioning space station floating around the moon for emergencies, supply storage, and surface observations without having to spend another 50 years worth of labor and resources getting something similar up there."
"So you're plan is to use outdated tech to do cutting edge research, and save literal Trillions in resources and billions in labor hours...that...actually makes sense."
"Yep, not to mention retrofitting those old things won't be super difficult.  Hell, you could slap a smart phone to the dashboard of a shuttle and have more computing power than mission control did when those things first launched.  Launch them remotely to avoid unnecessary accidents, have them loaded with the payload necessary to  retrofit the station for transit."
"That will take forever, you can't send the station sailing as fast as something as the Orion." 
"Yeah, I know.  Why do you think Artemis has the schedule it does and regardless of what I think of the jackasses personally their little rocket projects will be key in resupply and personnel transfers."
"Okay, so...then there won't be a station around earth." 
"Oh ye of little faith.  I haven't peaked at what the other teams are doing because I like to be surprised but if they took the challenge...bro...it's going to be bad ass.  Fucking Gundam levels of badass.  No joke." 
"Wait...what challenge." 
"Challenge I issued to all the agencies...almost...fuck...30 or so years ago." 
"Wait...did you...are you saying you..."
"I'm just a humble librarian that answered a few questions and gave my thoughts on the topics.  I can't help it if they took the challenge and followed my outlines." 
"Bullshit." 
"Yep, sure enough is, cause I did it for the shits and giggles and because I wanted to see it before I die. But still happening none the less."
"So...you're going to fly the ISS to the Moon and use it as a station there...that's the plan?"
"Yep."
"What happens to the shuttles after that?"
"They do the job they were meant to do...just...back and forth from station to station instead of station to earth.  Deliver supplies, pick up samples, transport crew." 
"You're serious aren't you."
"Deadly, it's my life's work."
"I thought the movies were your life's work."
"..." 
"So the enterprise is going to be the universes first shuttle bus to the moon?"
"MMhmmm" 
"Assuming everything makes it in one piece...or at least salvageable pieces."
"And you think every space agency in the world is going to back this plan?"
"Already have one way or another."
"No fucking way."
"Yep...now if you excuse me I have 2 characters intros to write and two more character creation sessions to schedule before the first game."
"First game of what?"
"Spoilers."

Quiet Moments and Old Wounds

 "How'd you sleep Jack?"
"Like shit. Feel like I've been beaten half to death with a bag of dicks.  But other than that I'm mostly functional." 
"Really got to learn to work on that language you're using.  It makes some folks feel uncomfortable."
"I get that and I try to keep that in mind when I'm talking, but you can't live the life I have without a few salty words and expressions creeping in when you're not on the clock.  And even when you are sometimes they're necessary to make a point."
"How's that 'necessary' to make a point." 
"Time to Dick. or Time to Penis if you prefer. 
 The amount of time it takes for a person to use a new tool or feature to draw or imitate a penis. Literally has become a core consideration in game design. And, in academic circles a study of human empathy when looking at social games that allows interaction with other players.  Even non-player characters."
"You mean AI?"  
"Yup."
"So you're not going to clean up your language."
"I'll use the teacher rule."
"The teacher rule?" 
"Yo, teachers put their best face and foot forward and heavily censor themselves when around students for a number reasons. 
Safety for themselves because students can become incredibly attached if they view you in a parental or romantic light. 
For professionalism.  Because not everyone has the same level of comfort or experience with bad words and hard concepts.  
Fear of being attacked.  Still some people out there that teaching and discussing hard and emotionally charged topics is viewed as a the worst thing a person can do.  But they have to be talked about or we're doomed to repeat their mistakes. And some folks were never taught restraint or empathy for people outside of their sphere of understanding.   So teaching, by far, probably one of the most dangerous professions on the planet."
"That's a little dramatic"
"Is it?"
"Then why don't you just change your screen name or use alt accounts for some of that stuff?"
"...."
"Don't smirk at me."
"Look man.   If I'm going to get the whole world to trust me I've got to be as open, honest, and authentic as possible.  I'm not going to pull that undercover boss shit and try to gaslight people into seeing things my way." 
"So are people trusting you yet?"
"Dunno, but they're starting to believe me and that's kinda spooky."
"What about for your safety?" 
"I'm an educator.  That kind of danger comes with the territory and if I really need time to myself I just shut everything off and sit in the dark for awhile.  Besides.  Half the people only think I'm a Legend anyway, might as well live up to the title."
"Awful big head you're getting there."
"Na, not legend like you're thinking.  Legend as in a cryptid, a big foot, Nessie,  a ufo.  They want to believe someone like me exists but they don't quite believe it.  Almost can't believe it in some cases. Hell, I have a hard time believing it myself sometimes, have to pretend I don't just to function others.  and I live it every day  Scares em.  Scares me.  But I exist"
"So everyone then?  You're going to try to get everyone on board and save the world?"
"From the King of England to the Hounds of Hell."
"That's not how the song goes."
"It is now."
"You're gonna get yourself killed, you know that right?"
"Only if I fail and so far I've been bullet proof."
"You know you're not."
"I have to act like I am, otherwise try is the only thing I'll be able to do."
"Be careful."
"Always."
"Be safe."
"As I can be."
"Don't be stupid."
"The whole thing is stupid, but that's what makes it brilliant." 

https://youtu.be/0J2QdDbelmY

Save a horse

"How are you Jack."
"Ya know, people that ask that never want the truth.  They just want to make small talk before they ask you for something, try to sell you something, or try to convince you "it's not that deep bro." " 
"Okay, settle down the Debbie Downer.  You do know that there are some people out there that actually mean that right?"
"Sure."
"Like you."
"...."
"Heard you cruising around the moon listening to country music and singing."
"Oh yeah tryin a thing out to talk to people and hear their stories.   Or as much of their stories as they want to tell. Kind of like Comedians in Cars.   But Moon buggies with Mem." 
"How's that going." 
"Better than expected actually. People don't believe or trust my honesty often because it's so foreign to them.  But when they take the time to roll with me I listen without judgment, answer with honesty, and drop what little knowledge I have on em if they ask." 
"What do they talk about."
"Themselves, their interests, and I often tell 'em what I'm doing there."
"Doing where?"
"On the moon." 
"What are you doing there."
"Research man." 
"Vague, but I'll bite, on what." 
"Moon base obviously.  Orbital launch systems, scheduling, trying to anticipate problems with construction and design. Bouncing around up there in a buggy with simulated moons gravity is also prep work.  Let's be real, humans have limited time in zero and low G before we literally start to fall apart because our biology require Earth G to remain cohesive."
"Remain cohesive?"   
"Uh, yeah.  Orbital mechanics.  Even our bodies are subject to them, and when they loose the effects of Earth's orbit, even just scaled down; Our bones start to loose density, our eyes start to...well...turn into blobs of jelly, our digestive systems struggle.  Whole slew of things you can look up on the NASA website." 
"Okay....so what did you come up with?"
"AI."
"I thought you didn't like AI."  
"I don't like AI being trained on decision making algorithms literally groomed by people that don't view people as toys to make or break as they see fit.  And companies using un paid and uncredited labor to Beta Test products that are obviously not safe for mass release to get them on the market before they can be regulated.  Or am I the only one hearing about the horror stories of AI companions?  The only gamer that sees "Open alpha and beta tests"  as having customers do the work of teams that used to be paid to do it.   They traded dedicated professionals, for unsuspecting consumers and then sell them the 'privilege' of being first.  Now they're trying to trade out the customer, who was starting to become savvy of exactly what it takes to make a game and trading it for AI on both the build and testing side."
"Not all game developers and publishers Jack."
"Not all men."
"Point taken...so what would be the AI deployment on something like that?"
"Well, first we got to get the ladies on the moon. Then we have them train the AI."
"Why ladies?" 
"Because all we have of these things, at least most publicly, is a male perspective, and it's time to flip the script."
"So what are they training the AI for?" 
"Construction crews, scientists, students, the curious.  Like I was saying, time in low and zero G is limited. So, how do we make the most of it?"
"Rhetorical question?"
"Yeah, but this whole blog is one big Rhetorical question."
"Don't break the 4th wall, get to the point Jack."
"Co pilots for rovers and builder bots. For a signal to go, be received and answered and returned from the moon is  About 3 seconds not really actionable for something that needs an immediate response.  Like a sink hole, avoiding an incoming meteorite, not hitting a building or piece of equipment.  You know, the stuff that racers and professional operators are hired to deal with on the highways and byways of the world. Answer, AI co-pilot.  
We reconstruct the environment digitally, train potential pilots on the real time effects of their piloting, then, when they've hit certain mile stones turn them loose on the real thing." 
"But you can't pilot effectively with a 3 second delay, hell, you can't even pilot effectively with a ping over 200 m.s.  and then only barely." 

"To quote Bain 'You merely adopted the lag, I was born in it, shaped by it.'  But with a digital reconstruction produced by the data of it's immediate surroundings a pilot can map, simulate, and test possible pathing options and then the AI co-pilot can execute and correct for real time changes in terrain, like pits from fresh meteor strikes.  People on the moon can use the same bots in real time for essential and remedial maintenance tasks to reduce exposure to...well...open space. 
The moon doesn't have an atmosphere, so all the little meteorites and other flotsam and jetsam that washes up on the cosmic shores all hit the surface. 
So moonwalks are dangerous even if if you're just standing there scratching your ass.  Like I said, time is limited out there and when living breathing beings actually step out onto it's surface we want to make sure it's safest and most efficient time that can be provided."
"You want to take your cats if you get the chance to go don't you."
"Shhh, mind your business."
"All of that just because you want to keep cats safe on the moon?"
"Well, I mean it benefits humans too."
"You really are that simple and honest of a person aren't you."
"Most people don't understand it, but yeah."

"Okay, so that's why you've spent 12 hours mindless grinding away at silly fetch quests on a digital reconstruction of the moon with a fantasy base built on it.  What about the "Moon-Buggies with Mem Part?"
"I'm giving people the time to ask questions or talk if they want. Pausing my usual podcasts about legal briefs, ethics discussions, and break downs of the most current theories and hypothesis to hear what they have to say.  And, while I'm at it drop some knowledge.  Like visiting the apollo Lunar lander recreation and reminding the people that were near by that the thing they're staring at had a computer that couldn't even compete with a calculator and more clockwork than electrical in it's construction."
"How have those conversation's gone?"
"I don't kiss and tell, but over all positive.  The usual Negative Nancie's and Tommy the Trolls in the station before heading out to the surface but to them I just say "You're rude" and wander off."
"Isn't that what Trump does to reporters"
"Na, 45 takes legitimate questions as attacks and then starts swinging back, verbally, to try to bully them into submission until the original question has been forgotten. If someone asks me a question I answer.  If they're just being rude or mean for the sake of it I shut it down and wander off and let them sit in what ever emotion they feel is justified.  I'm there to help people and learn from them not sit in pity parties and get kicked around by cruel people." 
"Is that why you let the people most others pick on or degrade hang around you."
"Yep, because, and to quote a friend that we don't always see eye to eye on some things.  'You're kind but you don't take shit.'   All of this would be way "easier" if I wasn't the first and still willing to stomach the second."
"Some people would call that grooming."
"Na.  Grooming is forcing people to do as commanded and punishing them for attempting to express themselves or define their boundaries.   
What I'm doing is teaching."
"mmmhmmm, and what's the difference there?"
"I provide the facts and figures as best I understand them and frame them through my own personal experience.  Present that picture to a person and let them examine it on their own.  I ask them questions to help them feel seen, heard, and comfortable enough to ask questions in return.  And if I don't know the answer I say so and then we try to find the answer together or on their own depending on time or topic."
"So that's why you want to run D&D games in VR? To teach?"
"Nope.  Character creation is the interview process, the games the equivalent of passing the ball around and 'tell me something about yourself' that corporate circle jerks call team building."
"What comes after game?"
"The Moon, the stars, and god help them if they do what Q or I does."
"Who's Q? and what do they do?"
"Listening to the ones that have been through the things we have and letting them know they're not alone.  That no, it doesn't get better, but you as a person can heal and that's what you have to carry into the world.   Being the change you want to see.  That you can make your little corner of the world better just by being there."
"going back to the moon tonight?" 
"Dunno, still processing last night.  I'll probably end up going fishing for the daily bounties and listening to the news.  Then maybe find a silly game with some good natured people.  Maybe cards against humanity to help some of the darkness out there be lightened by laughter.  Last night was on the heavier side and tonight I plan on taking some time to let that settle.  'That why you were stress testing the TOS last night? More seeing if the mods were present or not.  Not a fan of group instances without representation from their mods and the group I found last night.
Would recommend. 
Highly."
"Why." 
"Because they held up their mission statement and that, in my book, is the highest compliment I can give any group.  Especially when they're trying to make spaces welcoming and safe."
"You know some of those people think you're a cop, or a fed, or in the worst case YT trying to recruit lonely boys for racist purposes." 
"Yeah well." 

https://youtu.be/WUFYe_NgStw

Shut up Kyle

"This is what I'd do if I got my hands on a pedo..." 

Que fantasies of murder and torture from someone that call themselves a "southern gentleman".

"Sure you would Chad. But shut the fuck up. Pretty sure given the chance survivors will handle that kind of shit themselves. 

If you actually wanted to help you'd say something when your buddies got rape-y. You wouldn't laugh at the jokes they tell when they dehumanize other people. You wouldn't turn a blind eye while they're feeding their date way too much alcohol. cause those are the same mother fuckers that do the shit you are trying to project on people you view as less than human. 

Yes, I do think those folks need handled in less than kind ways. But thats why people that handle them are paid to do so.

Cause anyone would do what you're talking for free. 

You're paid to keep them alive to see justice. 

So shut the fuck up about your murder fantasies"

 Is what i wanted to say.

"Be aware your saying this around someone that actually survived that kind of abuse as a child." 

Is what I actually said.

Chad shut the fuck up though. 

And a woman across the way said. "I was abused and I'm okay with this conversation."

Into the silence formerly filled by Chad's boasts.

"Me too, just not with these mother fuckers, because he's just using it as an excuse to vocalize his own abuse fantasies. Saying the exact same shit that the people that abused me would say loudly and proudly to anyone that would listen."

Is what I wanted to say. 

Changing the subject back to the snapping turtles we were talking about before the topic was brought up is what I did instead. 

The woman probably thought I was silencing her by glazing past what she said. 

When the truth is my jaw and hands were clenched tight in rage wanting nothing more to hear the story they had to tell and verify their abuser had been...sorted....but not with chads around. 

Again, if chads actually believed those boasts they wouldnt let their buddies do the shit they'd done. That woman wouldn't have had to go thru the experiences they had. 

Ah....the 90s bar scene.

You haven't changed in the slightest.

Just gone digital.

Field Notes

 So tonight I got hit hard by nostalgia.  
I bit the bullet, mad the rpg group in the VR world and two people, that for some strange reason feel safe in my company, joined immediately.  
I got a bit emotional and so many things popped into my head to write but I ended up going through my servers review channels and re-reading  every single one from the past 2 years. 
Then....I went into my notes. 
Papers I wrote while traveling. 
And realized, aside from sending copies to some educators I respected the opinions of I'd never fully published them and some still need some heavy editing. 
I've only met one other person that can take my mad ramblings and turn them into something coherent. 
Hopefully there's an editor out there that has the stomach for such a task because there's enough floating in there to make a few books. 

Anyways, here's an excerpt from a paper I wrote about how war influences art.   Still needs some heavy editing and sources properly filled in but I think it gives a decent idea of how I keep notes.

Marketing and Trade in an Ancient Bizarre

  Imagine a marketplace that is selling a specific food stuff, drink, soup, or other commodity that were important to the people of the ancient world as well as today.   Instead of calling these dishes and plates on display in the museum “ceremonial” I view them more like signs above a business's door. 

 A container of a certain shape or size, elaborately decorated and displayed as a centerpiece surrounded by many less ornate versions of it. 

 Seeing images of a bird could represent jerky or a dish made from that bird.  Certain decorations representing the spices or preparation method of that dish. 

Then, especially after mass production of clay and ceramic containers, containers of the same shape and slightly simpler carvings or paintings on the exterior would tell the person looking to purchase which containers to seek out in that market, and markets down the road with traders from the same areas.  

In a time and region when domesticated and pack animals were a rarity, travelers and traders were severely limited by what they and those following them were able to carry.  The marked containers would easily communicate their trade needs when unable to communicate with one other on a verbal level.   

Now, taking a look at the shapes of containers and dishes as the crafting methods, trade, and materials progress I began taking a closer look.   

 
A wide mouthed container would have been, and still is, used for collecting liquids. 
Closed containers with narrow openings for protecting the contents and keeping them cool or warm depending on the need. 
 
One of the most interesting things I saw was the Greek influence on the Asian pitcher design.  Namely the beading around the top representing fruit drinks.  Dancing adults and fire possibly representing those that contained alcohol.  Imagery of children and more subdued scenes for the ones that did not. Or maybe it was the other way around.  Regardless they both had similar imagery on nearly identically shaped vessels dating within a few years of each other.

Plates and bowls with imagery on their interiors would, arguably, have been used to display and hold whole fruits and vegetables and other dry food stuffs, where as the ones with the art and imagery on the exterior would have denoted more refined dishes like soups, porridges, mixtures and elixirs.  

 And of course, lids and covers to place over the top during events so that people could know what they were reaching for even without being able to read. 

It’s beautiful when you really think about it.  

If I had a trillion dollars.

"How's it going in VRC Jack?" 
"Oh. About the same as the bar scene 30 years ago but with fewer stds."
"According to people it's a haven for pedos and trolls."
"Like I said.  No different than the bar scene 30 years ago."
"So you've met some pedos in there then?"
"Na most everyone I've met has been pretty solid over all. Strong and safe queer community that doesn't put up with bullies or pedos.
Shit.
Worst interactions I've had have been either dudes trolling for ass and trying to assert their dominance by negging and harassing their "competition"  or racist bullies that come full force as soon as they think you're not strait or white.  So..."
"About the same as the 90's bar scene." 
"Exactly."
"So what's the plan?"
"Gonna try to buy it."
"Uhhh...you can't go around buying everything Jack.  You don't have all the money in the world."
"I know.  Just most of it."
"Uh huh, lets' say that's true for a second isn't buying a platform going to hemorrhage money and destroy the existing community the same way X and Tik Tok have turned out?"
"Yeah, well, that's because old white men wanted to own them.  I want to preserve VRC."
"Preserve VRC?   Alright, I'll bite. How would you 'Preserve' VRC if you bought it?"

"First off I wouldn't be buying from the current dev team.  
I'd be buying it from the community.  Take the player base and estimate it's valuation at that  the number of years the it's been up and running.  Which would be a steam player peak of about 76,000 and another...we'll be generous and say another 20,000 on top of that to account for stand alone quest players and other random platforms.  Round up in case we forgot someone or there's under reported stats to 100,000 people. Use my contract standard of $135k/yr for the past 10 years means $1.35 million per person. totaling at $135 Billion."

"Uh....Jack....that's more than some countries gdps and there's no way in hell you're ever going to be able to pay that back." 
"Oh, well, not in my life time anyways."
"And where are you going to get the money for all this?"
"Oh. Mark, Elon, and Bezos are going to."
"Uh huh....again, entertaining your delusions, how does that work?"
"One is, to use current administrations standards and verbage, is an illigal immigrant living fat off of the tax payers dime.  Another is a College frat boy that used his model of objectifying women and amplifying rape culture and turning it into the worlds largest social media conglomerate with out changing a stitch of the business model and aiming it minors."
"I mean...true....but what about the 3rd?"
"Oh, that ass hole owes the 13 year old me for the smirk and the business model he jacked and turned into retail monopoly." 
"The Smirk  really?"
"Fucking smoking gun dude. And somewhere on a floppy disk or dusty hard drive there are the chat logs from MY role playing instances that other community leaders would send their players to for rules and combat arbitration so I saved logs for review and editing down to their narratives.  Imagine that.   Stealing a kids business model without crediting them, then corrupting it by using it to destroy small businesses just because it would be so easy to do if you acted unethically and turned into what it is."
"Oh, and what's the legal grounds."
"The Trademark.  The smirk.  The profile I've been sporting for over 30 years now.   Or am I the only one that actually understands that posting online is copyright to the creator?"
"Oh...."
"And it is at the creators/owner/copyright holders discretion to exercise their copyright."
"Shit..."
"Why do you think they're scared to even acknowledge my existence?"
"Do you realize the world of shit you'll be stirring up with this?"
"Yup...but.  Autistic sense of justice isn't' hyperbole." 

"Okay....let's table all that for a second.  What the hell would you do with that platform and just pissing away $135 billion dollars?"
"The platform?  Not much right now.  Let it roll as it is. 
The hard part, the part that I plan on doing.  Tracking down world and avatar creators.  Verifying they're the originators of the assets or acquired them either artistically or licensed pay them for their work, that $1.35 million.  And then use the rest for development towards a 1.0 release onto Switch and PlayStation. Hiring those same creators and partnering them with their favorite fandoms and ips to build official worlds for their for them.   On the PC side, I'd leave it the fucking wild west it is.  Using the left  over funds for a grant trust to help students build the workstations they need to work from home, or wherever they're at and not go into debt over their education."
"Wouldn't that be dividing the player base." 
"Not in official worlds.  Where they'll be moderated based on the ip owners requirements."
"You really think Playstation or Nintendo is going to trust you, let alone that community to protect their ip?"
"Seen the Galaxy movie yet?"
"Which movie?"
"Not important."
"Point is, I'd just have Switch and PlayStation accounts limited to official worlds and private instances of user created worlds and avatars cleared for the market place. Essentially the same thing happening with PC and mobile/standalone players because of hardware limitations just formalized for user safety and consumer protections"
"Ooookayyyy....how is that for safety and consumer protections exactly?"

1. The aforementioned pedophiles.

I'm not worried about the kids for the most part.  Teach them stranger danger and turn them loose.  Kids are gonna kid and you can't stop it and they're pretty fucking good at susing out strangers and people not moving right.  Then, if something is too heavy for them to handle.  They have people like me to turn to.  Moderators, verified to the same standards as any educator or health professional, that host the instances.  Play the music, start the games, boot the trolls and Chris Hanson the shit outa anyone creating that sort of mischief. 
Plus, having child locks on accounts put their by their parents so that they can only visit verified instances within their educational/age level, disable direct messaging and private instance access and the only profile information being their Screen name and Avatar picture."
"Oh yeah, and how are you going to verify children's ages without exposing their personal information to abusers?"
"With their library card. At their library.  With a client similar to that used by academic journals and only using a birth year.  Then when the account ages out of that bracket let the person/guardian decide if they want to re verify.   So like 13 base age 16 second registry and at 18...well then it's out of our hands on whether or not they want to provide any more information on the account or not, or just make a whole new one."
"That sounds....surprisingly doable."


2. Consumer protections.

World and avatar creators.
To me.
  Are like club owners and tailors. 
So, we'll respect them as such. 
They can choose what age instances they'll allow their worlds to be used for and verified they're stable for regular use.  Whether or not they would like compensation for it to be used as a home world or for private instances and clear which groups are allowed to use their worlds for hosting public events. 
The tailors, given the same options. Is it an Avi they want made available in public worlds to show off their work?   Or is it a bespoke avatar they created for a single person?  And, does the Avatar Tailor allow the person to share it?  That standard is already amongst the creator community.  I just want to formalize it so that they maintain rights to their work and that the player/user/performer/host knows their avatar is theirs.  Like buying a bag from Gucci or picking up a pair of pants from the thrift store.
And then, finally, what age range does that Avatar fall into so that adult avis don't end up in children's worlds.?   Does it have naughty options?

"Whoa Jack...naughty options?"
"I aint' judging anyone for their orientation, proclivities, or the way they choose to interact romantically.  What they do in private instances is none of my business as long as adults are not pulling children into those situations have fun, be safe, respect consent and boundaries." 

"And all the existing content?"
"Like I said man, wild west.   If a creator wants to delist an avatar or world because they want it to stay exclusive or monetize it in the market place?   That's their choice.  I'm sorry to the folks that have gotten used to wearing certain skins and avatars that the creators removed.  I'm not sorry for the removal of things that shouldn't have been there to begin with.  Stolen assets, ripped avatars not crediting the designers or creators,  or things from Weinstein like creators." 

"Think you can pull all this off."
"Has the MCU been running full steam for 20 years?"
"What's that have to do with this?"
"Don't worry about it." 
 
"So that's your plan?"
"Take on the richest, most powerful people on the planet, rummage their pockets for almost a quarter of a Trillion Dollars and then just give that money away to artists and students?"
"Yes....well...part 1 of a 10 point plan anyways."
"10 point plan?"
"Yeah, you think I made it this far making cash grabs and no plans?"
"What's step 2 then?"
"Class trips to the moon." 
"For real...?"
"Well, that's not step 2, but yeah.  Step 2 is Virtual class trips to the moon and getting tours from Real astronauts and educators."
"You can't get VR into every classroom, some can't even handle VR." 
"I know, it's called a Holodeck bud."
"A what?" 
"Oh....umm.....A...Modern Computer Lab.  You know, like the ones anyone over 30 used to play Oregon trail and learn to touch type in." 
"Okay..."
"Have you been to the fishing world?  Imagine that, but Oregon Trail."
"Fishing world?  In VR?" 
"For those that are skilled in it or trying to become so sure.  But none VR options exist on desktop and various other devices. Plus, you should see the wheelchair mods I've been designing."
"Wheel chair mods?"
"Wheel chair mods."
"Yeah...um...patent pending." 

"Pretty fucking full of yourself aren't you there Jack?"
"Well, I am pretty good world building and universe creation."
"I don't see that on your resume."
"Yet."
"Yet?"
 *smirk*
"Fuck"
"mmhmmm"

"So you've been wasting your time in VR figuring out how to buy everything in the world.  You figure something out about Iran yet?"
"....yeah..."
"Gonna spill."
"Need to verify a couple of things first, might take me a week or so."
"People don't have a week Jack."
"I know..."
"Then why drag your feet."
"Because it would just make things worse if I don't have the facts strait.  You know, like a narcissistic jackass thinking they can solve world peace by bullying." 
"What's your plan." 
"Actual peace built through respect, reconciliation, and a way to honor those that got us here."
"Hurry."
"I'm trying."
"You're going to go fishing again aren't you?"
"You mean debate prep?"

If, and, or, maybe.

 "So are you going to do it Jack?"
"Do what?"
"Run the D&D game the VR people asked you about."
"I think so?"
"You think so?"
"Yeah. People seem interested enough."
"Are you?"
"I mean...yeah."
"You don't sound so sure."
"Well I've had the best times of my life running games for people."
"And?"
"Well, everyone's already stolen....oh...I mean imitated almost every aspect of my table. Adapted nearly all the stories told there. All without credit or compensation."
"I thought that's what you wanted."
"What I wanted was the ability to take care of myself and others with my story telling."
"You did that didn't you?"
"Oh, the others part sure. But having my own words quoted at me while people make literal billions off of them and I'm wondering if I'm going to have enough food to get through the week?  Haven't been able to afford a doctors visit in over a decade?  Watching family go out and spend more on a dinner than I do on a months worth of groceries.
Yeah. 
Big success me."
"Uh...."
"Yeah. Exactly."
"But you seemed so excited about it."
"Yeah....I mean...
 It's like I told one of the folks from the VR world...well started to and then deleted the message because of how silly it all feels.  I write because I need to.  It helps me organize my thoughts. Journaling, blogging, just talking things out with myself really.  But when people really want to hear a story I'm telling.  Ask for the next part, seem excited to find out what happens next.  I can't help myself.  It makes me feel...whole."
"And you don't want to feel whole again?"
"I do....but I also don't want to put all of myself into something just to keep starving."
"Oh, so now you want recognition for you work."
"No. 
 It's more selfish than that.
I want paid so that I can support myself.
 Make my own decisions. 
Get actual medical care instead of emergency patchwork when something is beyond my own skills."

"Oh."
"Yeah, it is that deep bro." 
"So....are you going to run the game." 
"I've already planned it.  Hell I wrote it years ago.  Well most of it anyways. I stopped writing my storys down and only narrate them to myself now.  Sounding beyond scizophrenic to anyone that over hears but knowing it's the only thing I have to hold back that people can't just take from me.  Or that some shit ass data scraping AI trainer is going to turn into just another data point in emotionless slop. It's not about AI replacing artists. 
It's about AI trainers stealing art and selling it as their own after laundering it through AI."
"Pretty bold accusation there Jack."  
"Not an accusation.  A statement of fact.
They can't launder the money the normal ways anymore, people are starting to see through the Bitcoin scam, and since the U.S. got this current president all the regulations that would have protected the public from that kind of abuse has been essentially removed."
"Who's 'They' Jack?   You always say 'They' in a nebulous way when talking about these things."
"They know who 'they' are.  They are the ones that change EULA's and alter your finances without notification or consent.  They are the one's that are in those files that haven't been released yet.  They are the ones that caused the housing market crash, the Dot Com bubble, and have created a wealth disparity gap so great that it is cheaper for them to pay fines than it is to pay employees."

"So you're going to run the game aren't you?"
"I think so."
"Thought you said you were going to build worlds to do it?" 
"First I have to show them what I can do with nothing but my voice."

"I heard you singing last night."
"Yeah."
"Been awhile."
"Over 10 years."
"Thought you said the music was gone."
"It was."
"What brought it back?"
"A story to tell."

"So you're going to run the game."
"I think so." 
"What do you need?"
"An audience." 
"For what?"
"To ask questions.  To listen to the answers. To tell the story to."
"Which one?"
"The only one that hasn't been stolen yet." 
"Which one is that?"
"First, we need a party."
"A party?"
"Four adventurers to act as the audience surrogates."
"You haven't actually written it yet have you?"
"It was written the moment the question "would you run a game" was asked."
"So you're ready." 
"Yep."
"You're going to run the game?"
"As soon as the players are all around the table at the same time."
"Gonna write anything down or just wing the whole thing?"
"Fuck you."
"Just asking."
"You want something written you pay.  You want it edited you pay double."
"You think you're worth that much?"
"I know I am.  More than actually."
"Debatable."
"They don't think so." 
"'They' don't even know you exist.'"  
"Oh they do. And they know I'm coming.  Like Kvoth sitting in his bar idling away with a demon.  They know."
"I thought you Kvoth in that story."

Do you know my name?

A plus 3 equals G

 "Been pretty quiet there Jack, you okay?"     
"Yes and no.  Just feels like every time I start to get my shit together something comes along and kicks me in the dick and I'm just trying to keep at least one in the other column" 
"The other column?"
"Yeah, people like to talk about the 13 reasons why, but it's the one reason in the why not column that keeps people going."
"Should we call someone for ya?"
"My friend. There's no one to call.  Because for the longest time I've been the person to call" 

I'll admit.
  With everything going on right now, the delusional goals I set for myself to keep one foot in front of the other have been hard to stay focused on.  
But I'm to curious not to want to see what the future looks like and too spiteful to give anyone the satisfaction of thinking they drove me to do anything like that. 

No.  
mostly I've just been tired, trouble shooting, and focused on trying to crack this goddamn equation. 
I mean I've got it, but it can still spiral to infinity.  Which, according to the powers that be isn't cracking the equation.  
But that's the thing man. 
On something the size of a galaxy?  A universe?  
From our perspective they can seem infinite.  

But it's holding.  
It's viable. 
I'm still missing pieces to complete the model, but the pieces I've plugged in stabilized it.  
It's not that the equations isn't coherent or provide proof able results. It's just that it holds together from 0 to infinity.  
At least I think it is.  
Won't know for certain until I get much more qualified eyes on it that mine and find those pieces I'm missing.  
I'm certain they already exist somewhere in the the existing mathematical strata.  
But how am I going to convince people that the most widely known interpretations of string theory are fundamentally wrong?  

"Whoa whoa whoa Jack, you're not qualified to declare that." 
"It's a cool thought experiment, like time travel, or unicorns.  But the only strings between those particles are the same ones that pool balls have when they collide."
"Huh?"
"String theory.  That math holds because it helps you calculate and retrace trajectory's, points of origin (the other end of the string people are always going on about),  and variables that can affect that trajectory. But actual like 'pluck a violin string and make another particle light years away dance' kinda string theory.  Na."


And that's my argument on String Theory.  That many people exploring it are looking for a magic bullet to solve the great riddle of the Unvierse and we should just be looking for a regular bullet. And I think I found it.  I'll let you know if I track down any more pieces of the puzzle. 

Meep Meep

 Watching modern anime is a trip and a half.  

Rewinding back to the 80's in animation : 
Cartoon intros used to act as mini videos that introduced the characters, the world, and the major conflicts within the story.   

"Life is like a hurricane.  Here. In. Duckberg."

The trend continued through the late 90's and early 00's, in American those intros started to loose length. 
All the way down to  a sting and a title card. 
To make room for ad space within the show's run time.
 A 2 minute intro?  That's 4 to 8 ads worth of time. 
And then the show it's self has to spend time with the "last time on!!"  Which was a a staple of 90's dubbed anime because of translation issues and lack of cultural understanding.  

Which brings me to the modern Anime Intro. 

"Don't you mean Japanimation?"   
"Kind of but not really.  Especially as Anime has moved in to the mainstream from it's film origins.  Back in the day, Merry Melodies, Loony Tunes, Betty Boop where all just filler between movies and news reels.  Meant to entertain the adults waiting for the show to start.  Think about that.  Instead of ads and trivia before a movie the pre show was cartoons and news updates." 

"Drink This thing! Buy this thing!   Did you know this fact about this really popular film?
v.s.
"What's up doc?   We'll be rolling out the new Polio Vaccine!! News from abroad!"

"Ah, but that was...almost a 100 years ago, we don't need those things now."
"Oh really?  We don't need a place where people can go to to get verified and sourced information about public health and safety issues and information?" 
"Well you can just go to a website."
"We'll table that for a minute and go back to the anime."
 "I just see narrative animation generally as anime now and designate it by it's language or country of origin. I mean, most of the entertainment sector and public has adopted this definition of Anime into the larger cultural lexicon.

Which goes back to why Anime from Japan has brilliant intros.  Episode 1 they give you the entire series or seasons story arc in the intro.  Not explicitly, but through out of context scenes, character or moment highlights and using music to set the tone of their show.  As the show progresses and the story arc or season progresses the intro is updated.  

In American television broadcast production standards have minimized the intro as much as possible in favor of ad time. Then cut into the minimal run time with specific "we don't think you can remember what's goin on so here it is." 
See :  Invincible, and other shows that use only a title card.

 Most Japanese broadcast intros on the other hand give you a bop, a music video, a recap, and a teaser  without explicitly spelling anything out. Then, if relevant, typically start the episode with the last moment of the previous episode to pull the viewer back into the point of the narrative they left off, or to give a bit of context as to why the characters are in a particular cliffhanger moment.  
Like those old 90's sitcoms. 
"What ever happened to predictability?   The milkman?  The paperboy?  The evening t.v.?"

Another animation technique that reflects a cultural difference between American and Japanese animation is the slow pan over the still. 
See, an animation technique developed in the states and popularized in the 60's to save on animation was background cycling. The infinite run loop. The imitation of constant motion. 

Where as in Japanese animation they live in the stills. Letting the viewer sit with the image and absorb the details.  Instead of swapping out heads the focus is on the back of the speaker and the emotional reaction of the other person.  No lip flaps, Just small flickers of movement in the eyes, a tremble of the shoulders utilizing two or three images cycled in a frozen moment of emotional resonance.  The obsessive amount of detail placed into a single frame stretched out over several seconds to impress the moment on the viewer.  Letting the screen sit in blackness after a major moment and sit with what just happened.  Almost more like turning the pages of an illustrated audio book or visual comic more than watching a hand drawn television show.  

It's beautiful in it's simplicity.  

And then, specifically in modern anime, putting the full of the animation budget into beautifully choreographed action sequences that blends hand drawn animation with digital background and accents to make the action feel so smooth some of it I'm like "I could do that...well...maybe 20 years ago I could have."   
Back in the 80's, on shows like Thundercats or He-man?  They did the exact opposite.  Absolutely stacked the intro with some of the cleanest and smoothest animation out there.  Then the show, often, was just scrolling backgrounds and the only moments where a still would be used was in the title card or establishing shot.   
Granted there was a cultural shift in Anime during the 50's in both countries.  In the U.S.?   Animation was classified as pornography and immoral then was censored and repackaged as children's entertainment.  Hell, when I was a kid, they didn't even bother editing things from the old cartoons that had been  labeled as pornography or low intelligence content.  
Like Betty Boop or Like Loony Tunes. 
Where as in Japan.  
Animation was culturally seen as just another story telling medium.  

There is a massive difference between Low budget and Low effort. 
Low budget is finding clever, minimalist, ways to accent the art and emotion of a moment or story.  
Low effort is using clever, minimalist, ways to dumb things down for an audience the decision makers have little to no respect for. 
Luckily the artists that create these things, the nerds that love telling stories, stay in the rooms to help shape the stories into something meaningful.  

But hey, that's why the C-Suit has been pushing AI in the creative fields as hard as they can. 

AI could be a powerful tool in a toolbox of tricks used in inventive ways by artists and creatives to develop new techniques. 

Or. 

It could be used as a way to get the creatives out of the room so that silly things like critical thought and emotional weight won't have a the viewer of the product thinking about anything that might distract them from the product. 

Insert: ~ MacDonalds CEO trying the product on camera. ~

Why do you think the Super Hero film genre persists nearly 20 years beyond it's expiration date?
In their best form they offer hope, inspire courage, and highlights kindness.  Even in their darkest stories. 

"Beyond their expiration date?"

I don't remember the exact term for it at the moment, something I picked up listening to film school students.   But film and entertainment have genera bubbles, usually when they're newly introduced or heavily marketed.  
the 40's saw the musical, the 50's the western, the 60's was big swords and sandals epics, 70's the crime/horror flick. The 80's War movies. 90's Epic historical dramas.  the 00's saw the boom of Fantasy and super heroes. the 10's Zombies and Vampires.
  And now we're here in the 20's again and the super heroes are still here from the 00's with a lean towards high concept science fiction.  

And the decline of the Theater going audience. 
Theaters are expensive for the attendee. 
Ticket prices, concessions, the whole 9.  
Hell. My last theater outing experience to an evening show.  For just myself.  Movie, Popcorn, soda, box of Candie.
$25 for the ticket.  About the same for the concessions. 
So about $50 for one person, for one movie.

I used to spend lunch breaks at the dollar theater. 
Spend $20 on a Friday Night to and take a date to see a movie opening weekend, snag dinner on the way, and desert after. And that's if I wanted stuff at the theater. 

Adjusted to today that $20 dollar date would be $40.  
 Which isn't cheap, but it's accessible for a night out.  Especially when where I was rent was only $250(about $650 adjusted to today)  a month for a serviceable one bedroom within walking distance to a grocery store.
Theaters have been moved to prestige viewing. 
Not accessible to your standard audience anymore. 
That same date night now? 
Dinner $20 to $40 per person.   We'll say $30
Movies and concessions as stated above $50
Desert on the way home $15 to $20. 
So from a $20($40) date night to. 
$100
Double the price.

Rent average from $500 to $2000. 

Minimum wage in 1990 $3.80
Minimum Wage now $7.25

Difference? 
In 1990, while minimum wage had decoupled form inflation almost 20 years before; when, with difficulty, could support a family of 4 on $2/hr working 40 hours a week.
Where as today an individual has to make a minimum of $30 an hour to do the same.
And that's utilizing various assistance programs. 

Hard math time?
Hard math time.

Even though, technically wages have "doubled" since 1990. 
The cost of living has Quadrupled. 
Entertainment has doubled.
Education and Healthcare have become unaffordable for the average person.  
When was the last time  you were able to trade a chicken for a doctors visit?


"Oh, if you're so smart how would you make a theater profitable in the modern economical climate?"

I wouldn't. 
I'd make malls profitable and re-open the theaters in them.
After all.  
The best theaters still in operation are staples in mall or mall like environments. And conventions are always looking for places to screen movies. 

So you ask what I would do? 
Once infrastructure revitalization is finished, or at least on track and moving under it's own steam? 
 
"Hey, what are you doing today?"
"I have an eye exam, one of the kids has a dentists appointment, and I have a couple of things in a pick up box, then need some fresh veggies for dinner tonight."
"Oh rad, mind if I tag along, there's a few things I need at the mall too."

See, back in the day super center retailers did this exact thing.
To get people to come to their stores.  Let crafters set up.  
But the difference is. 
Once people got used to showing up to places like a Walmart super center the smaller businesses started shutting down because they lost their foot traffic.
 Eventually, they moved the crafts people out and filled that space with shopping carts and self checkouts. 
When I was a kid we sold hand beaded key chains at the local Walmart crafts market to supplement my moms administrative pay at the same store. 
One of the ladies doing their books, ordering supplies, and making sure everything was on the up and up financially couldn't even afford to support their family and specifically male cart pushers were being hired at nearly double the wage. 
There was a class action lawsuit bout that actually. 
The pay part. 
The systematic destruction of local businesses was just considered successful business practice.  

Not my plan. 
If you'd like to see an example of the model I'm building, head to your local library and ask what events they have going on. 

Stay Safe. 

Pause for the cause

 "You went quiet for awhile there."
"Yeah. Math."
"Math?"  

Data points, equations, and sleep. 

It's funny. 
On average, I burn more calories sifting through data and taking notes than I do out throwing dirt or something similar. 
Brains are funny that way.
500 calories. 
Just for the basic functions of thought. 
Now. 
Chew through mountains of data. 
Looking up and working through various proofs and open equations.  
Until I can't keep my eyes open. 
Then I lay back, listening to conversations about the data I was just sorting though and nap. 
Sleep is way more important for working through problems and learning new information than people think.  
It's how the brain encodes what you've learned into long term memory. 
It's the time when you brain chemistry equalizes and clears the brain fog.
creates muscle memory and solidifies linguistic understanding. 

Seriously. 

When I don't have to be somewhere.  
I'll work on a problem for like 3 or 4 hours solid.  Snooze for 10 or 15 minutes until some dangling thread of a thought hooks to another thread and the pattern starts to emerge then it's back up and working  on the problem again. 
I'll do that for days, sometimes weeks.  
Never sleeping for more than an hour or two at a time. 
Then I'll sleep for like 10 to 12 hours strait and vegetate for almost a full 24 before getting up to move again. 
And when I'm really crunching I'll go full non verbal for days, or weeks at a time.  I think my record was like 4 months when I was on overnights. I worked by myself, all my communication with other people was through paperwork.  
I kid you not, there was a moment on Thursday or Wednesday where I startled myself because I had been silent for almost 3 full days. 

"Must be some good booger sugar."
"Huh?"
"To keep you running like that for days on end."
"Ah, na.  Just good old fashioned insomnia and listening to my body when it tells me it's tired."
"Not even caffine?"
"Oh, sometimes.  On a heavy day around 200 milligrams of caffeine give or take. Typically 2 to 6 cans of soda..  So it averages out at  about caffeine equivalent to  3 cups of coffee through out the course of the day.   Less than your average energy drink."  
"So uh, what problem are you working on." 
Same one, the gravity one. The black hole one. and man.  sooooo much maaatth.  I feel like my grey matters been leaking out of my ears. 

I also updated some of the plans from a civil engineering paper I wrote a few years ago. Mostly just refining/reiterating some points about managing social programs.  Funding and tax structures for educational programs, and have most a syllabus done for an elementary to high school aged agricultural development program. Essentially building the basics; reading, writing, and arithmetic; into a school structure that focuses more on understanding and demonstrating knowledge over wrote memorization of, contextually, irrelevant facts to the students educational goals.

"Contextually irrelevant?"
"Ya know like 'Here's math, with word problems that poorly demonstrate real world uses for the material V.s. do something wild like I dunno, having the class manage their own field trip budgets or ordering supplies for their next lab project.  It's all fine and dandy knowing what 2+2 is. But two of what and why? "


 Ran some budgeting, sketches, and supply load configurations for a new system to shuttle between the ISS and what ever projects end up on the moon. 

"Have you ever done anything like that before."
"Yes."
"For what."
"I don't want to jinx it." 
"Jinx what." 


I have my scene outlines and a shooting schedule penciled together. I just need to finish the scene call sheets so I can flesh out the dialogue and address any plot holes or loose ends.
 After that I can see where the big money needs to be focused, what needs fabricated, and what doesn't.  
Basically I laid out a roadmap from start to release so that there are milestones and time frames for each scene and gag to keep the production on schedule and budget.


"What's the script?"
"The capstone to my freshman outing." 
"Pretty vague there bud."
"Yeah, and you'll have to live with that answer." 


Oh!! 
On a plus side.
  Aside from some minor repairs and upgrades that are entirely outside of my current budget, I did finally finish this workstation I've been trying to put together for almost a decade now. 

"Workstation?"
"Yeah, a general use computer for networking and content creation."
"You mean a laptop?"
"If I tried doing what I'm doing with a laptop I would have easily spent twice as much and still wouldn't have the full functionality I need for my work flow."
"Yeah, you know, work til you pass out, then wake up and go right back to work.  Have a few dozen reference tabs open while editing video and running renders in the background, then leave all that open and jump into VR for scale reference or design considerations."
"Whoa, that must have cost you a few bucks."
"Cable by cable, license by license on the software, testing and replacing peripherals. 
All told, over the last 15 years, about 10k or more. And I still need to subscribe to some asset libraries so I have some music to work with when I'm editing.
And man, if I had bought all of the hardware, peripherals everything all at once now, with all the b.s. going on and AI snapping up everything but Keyboards it could have easily cost twice that.  But that's where thrifting, working sales, and horse trading come in."
"Horse trading?"
"I'll help you move your fridge if you help me trouble shoot processing bottlenecks.  Or I'll cook you dinner in exchange for a few minutes of steady hands doing a bit of soldering for me. Ya know, work for work kinda things."

 So.
The thing that's got my anxiety pumping at the moment?
Updating my licenses and financials.  
It's at that once a decade point where it seems every piece of paperwork needs updated or resubmitted at the same time.
Volunteering at the places I would like to work that aren't going to be nearly as hard on my body as my previous endeavors. 
I started that last year, but ended up spending the bulk of my down time letting my hand heal and after/now rebuilding the strength in the arm and hand. 
Almost there in that regard. 
Hell, took such good care of it I don't even think there's going to be lasting nerve damage.   
I'm sure having a numb spot on the back of my hand wouldn't have been a the worst thing in the world to happen, but I'm not going to complain if it's going to heal. 
Small victories. 

I'll get through this week and see what the next steps are. 
In the mean time. 

More.
Math. 

Where to?

Thought I'd kick it a little old school today. 
Little bluetooth keyboard, my phone propped up with nothing on the screen but the cursor and the words that take form behind it. 

I miss that most of all man.  
Coffee shop energy.   Soome chill music, smell of coffee roasting, light chatter, a piece of biscotti to dip in the Americano that I was too proud to admit was too bitter for me. 
"Black Coffee and unfiltered ciggerettes.  That's how real men do it." 


"Why don't you go hang out at a coffee shop and write anymore?"
"Lack of access more than anything else. 
 When I was young, gas was cheap, work was easy and sleep for the weak. So hanging at the coffee shop was more of something to do between school, work, work, sportsing, theatering, and getting up to my general nonsense of teaching science and english literacy. 
Ya know, average highschool stuff. 
Now. 
 I don't really have a reason to go out anymore. Friends are few and far between. 
With eveything as tight as it is the little pleasures I afforded myself like movies and comics have been largely set aside in favor of focusing on my physical and mental recovery.
Going to movies is fun.  
I don't mind going by myself. 
But there are times when I look to the empty seats to either side of me during an early show, or the strangers that fill them during the rare evening show, and remember the literal hundreds of people I've sat and watched movies with.
And I ask myself.
Am I really the last one standing?
Or the only one still seated?
Watching the credits roll and comenting to an empty auditorium about the oddities of job titles and marveling at how many people one production supports.
Maybe not empty.
Filled with the ghosts and memories of old friends. 
 Tales of our exploits echoing in the silence."

"Hey uhh, Where'd you go there Jack?"
"huh?"
"I asked why you don't go to coffee shops to write anymore."
"Just too busy and too quiet at the same time."
"You're a weird dude man." 
"You don't know the half of it man."