I needed to take a break and just be for awhile.
I've spent the last couple of months digging deep into the lore of a game that I love to play and trying to find other people that want to find a way making a living playing video games.
With little to no avail.
The big thing that is getting to me is that my body just isn't holding up the way that it should. It's not the age, just all the damned injuries. Waking up wanting to vomit from the pain. Having several days in a row without migraines just turn around an have to spend an entire day sitting in the dark and waiting for it to pass.
I started crunching data for my papers again. Little bits here and there, letting half an ear listen to what's going on in the larger world and formulating responses to it.
I guess that's the thing that really gets to me sometimes, is that I've never really had anyone to talk about these things with. Not in any depth, or for any period of time.
"I don't want to talk about that."
"How can you spend your time reading about that."
"It's none of your business so stay out of it."
"That's so boring."
"I don't understand half of what you're saying."
"If people just.." and fill in the blank with an over simplified answer based on their own personalized experience.
Are all things that I used to hear when I tried talking to people about my research and odd interests.
That's the thing, I know there are people out there that are interested in economics and larger national and world issues. People that actually want to help and find ways to better the community around them.
I've just spent most of my life around people that didn't. That discouraged doing all of that.
And it's worn on my a lot over the years.
The thing is, many people look at the rich and famous and go "ooo, I want to be like them." and I look at journalist and scientists and say "I want to work with them."
"Well, you know, if you just stopped being lazy."
"Stop whining and learn a trade."
Call me lazy one more time Motha Fucka.
Sometimes I wish there was a me suit that I could have people wear for a day and see how they do.
Much in the same way that when I was learning about child development and things there was a pregnancy suit to wear. One that put pressure on kidneys and represented the extra weight etc. Granted it didn't really give you the experience of the hormones and what not, but the physical discomforts at least.
"Yeah dude, wear this for a day then come with me and do what I do."
Granted I've pretty much refused to do of late.
Well, refused to do the outside at least.
I've been doing the inside.
Working on responses to what's going on in the larger world and trying to figure out if it's time to use the reigns or time to give the horse it's head.
Again, no one really to talk to about these things with.
No one interested enough to dig into it with. So I content myself with listening to podcasts and info dumps to help keep the brain crunching on the larger papers I've been working on.
"Haven't seen you writing anything."
Oh, I've been writing and composing.
But for some of these issues...
The abortion rights issues.
The Israeli/Palestinian conflicts.
Gun rights legislation.
and a few other topics I'm really trying to choose my words carefully.
Not that I'm overly worried about my personal thoughts on the issues coming out. I've never really been shy about those. More because I want to make sure that any recommendations I put out into the universe are based on facts and evidence rather than my own skewed perspective.
I think, actual writing of those things I've gotten about ten or so pages done.
Don't ask my how many words that is, I don't count, I just write.
After chewing on research, news reports, and composing/re composing how to write it and what I'm going to say.
I'm weird, I talk it out with myself long before my fingers ever touch the keys of the computer.
I just hope the kids, I say kids because I'm hitting that age that even people in their twenties seem like kids with boundless energy to me, don't take it personally that I blipped. I was, getting to comfortable letting my thoughts and emotions out and they've all got more than enough of their own problems to have to listen to my whining and complaining as my immune system kicks the shit out of me and it gets closer to that time of year.
Yeah, that time of year...*sigh*
One thing I do know, though, after the past couple of months attempting to be a social person...
...at as social as a world pandemic, crippling social anxiety, and isolation allow one to be is that I'm still crap at it. Trying to set boundaries while still being active, especially in the gaming community is difficult.
The one blessed thing about the kids that I've been gaming with is that even though they've heard me elude to the nonsense that's pretty well public knowledge at this point I've only broke down crying once. Though I think I got the mic muted before I did.
As the years pass tears still happen.
Less often.
Not for nearly as long.
But they still fall.
I don't think that part will ever stop.
Part of me wishes it would.
But then the other part of me knows that if it doesn't make me cry anymore it means I've forgotten the good of all of it.
The smiles, the love, and the music.
I got myself a couple of transformers to open this year.
Jazz and Elita.
They look like they're super poseable too.
Okay, enough emotions.
Back to work.
