Isolation and self reflection.
Becoming comfortable with just being...me.
Trying to figure out what it means to be in this body, in the world, at this time.
Sending out my thoughts, rants, and feelings to a wider net of people that I'm not even certain or listening.
Going on some weird form of faith that I'll be able to sorth through the data and nonsense.
Doing it with no one to bounce ideas off of.
No one wanting to talk through or about these issues.
At least not directly.
And not with me.
Trying to find people that will engage and find soutions rather than complain about what is.
Swinging on a pendulum of feeling as though aevery word and action is being analyzed. Being helped or hindered.
to feeling like I"m just existing and the only people aware of my existance or actions are those I'm in direct contact with from day to day.
Either being gaslit or completly isolated.
A schrodingers existence.
Working on my papers, thoughts, and feelings, while at the same time not havign the resources or connnections to pursue any of the goals i have personally and professionally.
Just, existing for the sake of...Idon't even know at this juncture.
|What do I want from life?
Swinging on a pendulum of feeling as though aevery word and action is being analyzed. Being helped or hindered.
to feeling like I"m just existing and the only people aware of my existance or actions are those I'm in direct contact with from day to day.
Either being gaslit or completly isolated.
A schrodingers existence.
Working on my papers, thoughts, and feelings, while at the same time not havign the resources or connnections to pursue any of the goals i have personally and professionally.
Just, existing for the sake of...Idon't even know at this juncture.
|What do I want from life?
What did I want from life?
What Idid want, once upon a time, was to be an astronaut. To go to the moon and walks it's dusty surfac and see the stars as unfltered as possible from a perspecive beyond the bounds of atmosphere and gravity.
then it was to "retire" to get to the point of self sufficency thatwould alow me to bee in my books, and stories, and travels.
Now, now it's just finding a purpose.
A way to use my skills and talents to support myself that doesn't put me in dangerous situations without...being fairly compensated..?
ugh.
Just another white guy complaining about what they're entitled too.
Truth is, I"m just a nearing middleaged bi person that survived the 90's, fought back during the 00's, and lived in relative privilage during the 2010's and now in the 20's trying to figure ouw what in the actual hell I'm supposed to do now.
Dream of...just nightmares now.
A mixture of falshbakcs, memories, and the reliving of conversations built on conuecture that will probably never be settled for the remainder of my life.
What Idid want, once upon a time, was to be an astronaut. To go to the moon and walks it's dusty surfac and see the stars as unfltered as possible from a perspecive beyond the bounds of atmosphere and gravity.
then it was to "retire" to get to the point of self sufficency thatwould alow me to bee in my books, and stories, and travels.
Now, now it's just finding a purpose.
A way to use my skills and talents to support myself that doesn't put me in dangerous situations without...being fairly compensated..?
ugh.
Just another white guy complaining about what they're entitled too.
Truth is, I"m just a nearing middleaged bi person that survived the 90's, fought back during the 00's, and lived in relative privilage during the 2010's and now in the 20's trying to figure ouw what in the actual hell I'm supposed to do now.
Dream of...just nightmares now.
A mixture of falshbakcs, memories, and the reliving of conversations built on conuecture that will probably never be settled for the remainder of my life.
Now...just keep studying and writing. and hopefully making something of these things.
but mostly trying to figure out what I"m supposed to do with myself now.
going round the mulberry bush, chasing my own tail.
Why does the bi part matter?
Because it's pride month.
And even though i'm alone and isolated Istill try to be seen.
But more importantly to let the younger people know thye've been seen.
In a way that my generation never were until now, a way that geneations before had to fight just to be acknowledged.
...
Well isn't that some brain salad?
Happy pride, hopefully before I get back infront of the Camera I'll have my thoughts pulled together a bit more than all of this nonsense.
...
Well isn't that some brain salad?
Happy pride, hopefully before I get back infront of the Camera I'll have my thoughts pulled together a bit more than all of this nonsense.
