Poor Sweet Summer Child

 "Where'd ya go Jack?" 
"To reflect on why I don't trust people."
"Kind of Dark for first thing in the morning isn't it?" 
"Yeah, well, end of the day all I can do is take the L and go back to being me."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Mute mostly."
"What about the D&D game?"
"Oh, if they contact me I'll run the game. If they don't then no sweat off my back." 
"I thought you were excited about that." 
"I was excited to build something new out of the ashes of something old." 
"But in the end everyone thinks I'm still full of shit when all I've done is tell the truth."
"People don't like the truth, you know that."
"Yeah, well as I've already said to two people tonight that seem to think they were the ones to upset me."
'It's easy to kick the retarded kid following the rules around'

"Dude, that's fucked."
"Doesn't make it any less true. Question is, what happens when I stop playing by the rules?" 
"Don't do that Jack, you know that the rules are the only thing that keeps anyone safe."
"Yeah...but it would be so easy...."
"No...stop right there, you don't want to go down that road again."
"Which one?  The one where I give up because every time I open myself up to trust people I get kicked in the dick in some way?  Or the one where I start beating them at their own game because I stop following my rules and start following theirs?"
"I thought you were supposed to be doing character creation, writing character intros, rebuilding the database in the server." 
"I was. Made some decent progress too, but then people decided to fuck with my zen and it all went out the window."
"You need sleep, you need food."
"You know I can't sleep when I'm crunching on a problem and I'm about out of food.  Need to make it last." 
"So you're just going to starve."
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"If you're not careful it could be the last."
"If I'm successful I won't have to worry about it anymore."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"To quote Captain Tight Pants. 'I do a job, I get paid, I go home."
"I thought you were home."
"No, I haven't been home in over 20 years."
"Oh, where's that then?"
"Where my heart is.  Where my Soul is."
"Thought you said you didn't have one and sold the other."
"True. Can't have a heart if someone else has it and I didn't sell it to the devil if that' what you're worried about."
"So you're not mad?"
"Irritated because I tied my own hands years ago.  Wanting to withdraw again after pulling myself out of my shell for the fist since...Well, since...you know what?  I've never pulled myself out of my shell before, someone else always dragged me out.  All I ever wanted was a place to call home, place to feel safe and I let myself pretend for a night and when reality knocked 
"So which is it then back to whorin or back to work?"
"Neither, I'm on strike until I get paid. I'm not working for free anymore."
"You don't work for free, you get paid."
"No, I work and hope I'm going to get paid.  So far, that hasn't happened.  I do the work, I bill my hours, then I hope to get paid, usually I get paid just enough to buy groceries and the occasional treat.  I'm still working with broken tools and salvaged parts.  Only thing new is the gpu and even that wasn't new when I bought it. Last decades model with some pretty lights on it."
"So what's the plan then?"
"Same as it's always been.  Try not to die and when I finally get paid what I'm owed disappear and never been heard from again." 
"And if you don't get paid?"
"Then I don't eat, I could steal the food I guess.  Done that a time or two when I was starving but in the end what's the point if I'm just going to be in the same situation again a couple of months or even a couple of weeks from now?" 
"You could humble yourself."
"I've tried that and it just put me right back where I started.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars."
"You're not in jail there bud, you're free to come an go as you please."
"Fuck off. Free to come and go means I have the resources to do so. Which every time I pull those together, find a good job, and start to make progress I get stalled until they're depleted, find out the job wasn't what it was or can't take it because the resources to get me there ran out, or I get reset back to zero because I find myself working for free again."
"Sooo...You're giving up."
"On what?"
"All the stuff you've talked about, the stories, the heroes, the students?"
"I can't, not, tell stories.  That's who I am. I'll just go back to telling them to myself since no one is listening, or doesn't seem to be. The heroes have been hands off since I gave the marching orders and I'm no longer involved so can't give up on something that doesn't need or want me.  And the students don't need a tired old dude hanging around telling old war stories just so he doesn't forget the people that were lost along the way." 
"What about the script?"
"What script? Which script? The moment I put it all to paper it just disappears again.  And with everything else going on no one needs or wants my help anyways.  
I've been hacked daily for people trying to get spoilers and shit not realizing I plugged that hole a long time ago."
"You know they're just jealous, want you to give up because if you succeed that means you were right."
"Jealous of what? being in pain every day? waking up screaming when the memories hit?  Not being able to sleep until exhaustion overtakes me so that I can avoid dreaming all together? Pick your poison there buttercup."
"Because they can't do what you do Jack."
"What's that.  Get hit in the mouth?  Kicked in the dick? Punched in the throat."

"Get back up dude.  How many times have you been knocked on your ass?"
"More times than I can count or even remember at this point."
"And how many times have you gotten back up"
"every single one, I wouldn't be here today if I didn't"
"Exactly. "
"So what are you going to do?"
"Same thing I always do."
"What's that."
"Breath fire, speak the truth, probably get hit in the mouth again."
"Starting to think you like that."
"Not at all, I just don't hit back and that unnerves them more than if I did."
"Keep that attitude because I know how much you want to." 
"It would be so easy."
"Yeah, but when have you ever done anything easy?"
"I took a whole week off once and just lived out in the woods."
"How long ago was that?"
"uhhh....Junior year of high school?  I don't even think anyone noticed I'd been gone."
"Go do that." 
"To old for that kind of shit if it isn't life or death or "glamp" fabulous."
"Still think you could survive in the wild with just a knife?"
"Don't even need the knife."
"Cocky."
"No, just true. A rock becomes a knife and a few sticks a trap. Dinner as soon as I find the trails and tracks."
"Prove it." 
"Fuck off.  I don't work for free and I don't kill unless I have to."
"So if you run out of food?"
"I get my pocket knife out and catch a bunny."
"Go to bed dude, you're just talking out of your ass now."
"I still don't know who to trust." 
"How you going to fix that?"
"Get some sleep, try again tomorrow." 
"See Jack. That's what they're jealous of?  What that I'm disabled, essentially unemployed, and have access to zero benefits to remedy any of that." 
"I thought that's what you were working on down there."
"It is...but...it takes time and right now it's a race against the clock and my dwindling pantry."
"You've got this bud."
"I know."
"Stop moping."
"I'm not."
"Get back to work"
"I'm multitasking."