My writing has taken a bit of a back seat over the past couple of weeks. Part of this has to do with the relocation. Trying to find my place and rhythm in a place that is both new and old at the same time.
The other issue is that the place I find myself in is haunted by many memories and photos of people that though I've come to peace with the parts they played and the times we shared good and bad cause a lot of self reflection and questioning about myself and my place in things.
Not just that but the quite isolation that I thought I would be holding has not been as quiet as I had hoped. There is an option that would move me to a quieter space but it requires a lot of work that though I have the time to do I do not have the resources or the drive to do it on my own.
That's the thing. I work and do most things by myself or on my own and, at least currently, I don't have the motivation to do them anymore.
It could be that I have not fully recuperate from the hardships and nonsense that I dealt with over the last year, or it could be that I feel like someone is coming and I'm waiting for them to arrive. Or I'm hoping that someone is coming. Or, and the more probable of things, is that I'm not really certain how long I'll really be staying where I am.
All of these things dance through my head as little snippets of the stories I've been writing try to to coalesce between the thumping and pounding that I can just never seem to get away from.
The other thing that I'm crunching and munching on is all of the data I've been sorting through.
Little things, big things, world things. Trying to find the balance that would see an end to these endless wars. Or at least a peace that the world has not truly experienced yet. It seems impossible but as I reflect on the last year, beyond the personal hardships and sorting through the wreckage of the past decade I realize that it is much more possible than I originally thought. That for some insane damned reason the world has been following an outline, dare I say, a plan that I postulated a handful of years ago.
Then again, it could just be that the trajectory was already set and what I put forth was not so much a plan as a notation on what already was coming to pass. I'm not sure, and with little to no outside support beyond the blind kindness of strangers simply trying to keep positivity going in the world and my own need to help other struggling with their own identities and place in the world I just don't know.
My what I do know is that my year on Tik Tok is nearly over and I'll be compiling a years worth of videos into something, what I don't know, but something.
I honestly don't know if I'll keep the existing account and making a new one or just be stepping away from the platform all together, but I will be compiling none the less. a project that will take awhile to be sure. Luckily the videos and things being limited to only a minute at most and my posting relegated to a handful of videos per day means that I will not have an impossible amount of footage to sort through.
Approximately 120 hours on the long side. I'll need to format that ps4 external drive to create enough space for the videos and edits though.
that hurts my heart a bit.
out of all of the tools and toys that have been stolen or broken over the past few couple of years loosing that one hurt the worst I think. That system and it's set up rebuilt what few friendships I had and reminded me of who I am/was before all of this nonsense started.
It is what it is though.
I still wish I had help in doing the actual work and editing part though.
Knowing me I'm going to get lost in the editing and nothing real will come from it.
But we'll see.
I'm thinking I might pull out the story book and start typing up some of the story I have written for the Emerald so far. I was hoping to finish the notebook before doing so but not having a truly peaceful space to work or the Cannabis necessary to still my mind long enough to pull the stories together that part might need to be put on hold.
That's the thing, I don't know if it's a broken part of me or what but the fantasy and story telling often comes from the hyper focus and stillness that partaking of cannabis brings to me. While formulating the background and foundations of the writing and research come from the ever cascading and unfocused nature of my anxious and broken psyche.
Either way, I'm back in a place where it is unavailable to me, one of the last states in the U.S. refusing to recognize the medical and scientific benefits.
Either way, the year is almost over and the mountain of videos will be needing compiled and the many papers I've been pecking and picking at will need to be finalized and published in some form or another.
in the mean time, back to the pop culture research and trying to figure out what this Frankenstein's Monster of a body and mind is still capable of.
Stay Safe out there.
