2021 started with me on the road.
To be honest I feel more comfortable with the chaos of travel than I do sitting still so it was a good way to start. Though, continuing on the honesty front, I don't know if I'm heading in the right direction or just traveling backwards. Either way I needed to move and this direction is the one all the signs pointed to so here I am.
I tried to make it work where I was but at the end of it I couldn't find the work I wanted and what was offered was the same work I could literally do anywhere. So why not head somewhere that offered me the space to stretch out and be able to work on my projects with a semblance of peace.
That's the funny thing though. I thought I was returning relatively unknown but my reputation travels ahead of me.
Though, as I'm looking back at where I left and where I've returned to I can't help but think of the trail of broken hearts I've left behind. To be more accurate the trail of pieces from my broken heart...
Actually the more realistic way of looking at it would be a sea of shards of broken hearts from both my own and others.
Me, always the romantic, wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Part of me hopes that one of the broken pieces of my heart will be returned to me with a hand delivery.
Reality on the other hand tells me that I will be where I am until job comes up and this time rather than loading up everything I own and moving it all to a new place I'll take only what I need to work.
I honestly thought that at some point I would have found at least one person that would be willing to work with me on all of this crazy. And, I have, to some small extent but I'm just too much for anyone really.
At least that's what it feels like, seems like.
Some days I'm even to much for myself.
The anxiety and ptsd has gotten better and easier to manage but it still exists and without a team to work with I've had to find ways of sorting through it largely on my own.
The choice to go public with my work and research was something that I don't regret but people really don't believe.
Or they do...I don't even know because I'm so used to just tuning out everything but my research and the bits roleplaying and writing that keep me sane while I sort through it all.
My life is so strange sometimes.
The biggest question I have as I sort through the years of study and paperwork is "Which version of me does the world see?"
The cover that acted as bait and I would shoot on sight if it where true?
The broken and disabled ball of anxiety that by all rights I should be?
Or the person that I am really am?
Maybe some mixture of those and other definitions I don't have for myself.
That's the problem with what I do.
The way that I work.
The world, if the last four years really are the way that they are being presented and what my mind has been processing it as, got the first taste of what and who I truly am over the past two years.
If that's the case then 2021 is going to be even stranger than the last.
Either way over the next four years I have a job.
The same job I've been working on since 2004...2003. I don't know the exact my mind and body where destroyed and rebuilt during that time and with out access to full suite of files I can only go on my broken recollections and what clues I've left myself.
And of those clues, and if the news presented to me accurately reflects the state of the world and events over the past two years I am both terrified and hopeful about what is to come.
Terrified because the world is watching...and waiting...
Hopeful because it means that we may actually see an end to this endless war.
It is a new year, and in ten days a new administration with a new direction.
Even without those two things there is something very different about the world now.
Not just the effects of a global pandemic causing the world to pause and sort through centuries old baggage and issues.
But something shifted, something massive and the world is ready for a change.
Hopefully we can figure out what that is, hopefully we don't break it in the process.
And hopefully in four years we'll be one step closer to the Moon.
Amongst some of the other projects and plans that I've been working on.
Until then I need to figure out what I'm going to do about the debt and work situation.
Stay safe out there, and if you are holding a piece of my broken heart know that I'll accept it back with open arms.
Though knowing me the people holding those pieces would probably rather shatter and scatter them than return them let alone into open arms.
Stay Safe out there.
I'm trying to do the same.
And hopefully by the end of the year the war will be over and I cna finally get something clsoe to real rest for the first time in nearly twenty years.
