But it's hard to remember and focus on what I want to say when I'm constantly in pain.
I do my stretches. I do my excercises, I try to sit still.
I can take asprin or ibuprofen.
But only so much if I want to keep my stomach liner and liver.
I try to read.
Try to distract myself.
But at the end of the day it's like an electric shock to the brain and it over writes everything I was trying to say.
It's kind of funny when you think about it.
Most people, when they smoke a little pot get less focused.
Where as when I smoke, I become more focused.
The pain less.
Not gone.
Manageable.
The clever lines and cohesive stories flow without interruption.
Sure.
I might go off on long winded tangents into something that may be completely irrelevant, maybe trail off if the thought isn't fully formed or incomplete but it doesn't take long to find the path again, to follow the story thread to it's conclusion.
But with the pain?
My voice will sound mean as I grit my teeth through it.
The thoughts gone as the storm passes through my body and I struggle to pick up where I left off.
Like a smack in the face.
I'm going to need to go to the dentist soon.
or get a mouth piece again.
Or both.
Because gritting my teeth over the past few months has worn them back down again.
I've been able to get some of the D&D stuff down and posted so the players can have a firmer sense of what's going on in the larger world around them.
But, like with this little post, when I sat down to write it.
After composing most of it while stretching eating breakfast just blipped.
Fragmented as the pain hit.
Lost as I sat down and realized the composition was gone.
So instead I just let my fingers dance over the keyboard in the flow of thoughts that is becoming this post.
That's why it's a little easier when trying to write session recaps and things.
Because every time I look at the character sheets, or here the players voices talking excitedly about what happen last session, or what their goals are, or even just shooting the shit and checking in with each other to make sure everyone is okay helps hold on to the story to the other of the storms.
But actually sitting down to write them is difficult with everything else that comes along with pain.
The memories that trigger the muscle memmory, that trigger the feelings of those moments, and back to the guilt of still being alive.
But even with that I've been finding it easier to at least hold on to myself and not let the pain push me into snapping.
With all of the people and distractions and everything else taking place I've only had one moment that I wasn't able to keep my compsure while teaching, and god damn if the people around me didn't step in to give me a moment come back to myself.
That, I think, is more of a miracle in my mind than any ....
Shit...there it is again.
The hiccup, the pain, the interruption.
But instead of struggling back to where I lost the thought I'm moving forward.
It's all I can do, all things considered.
So what do I really want for my birthday?
Flowers for my pipe, friends to tell stories with, and the ability to come and go as I please.
So far I've got 1 on that last.
The other two are limited by resources and responsibility.
I know, that if I get that Job.
If I get stuck in that office.
If I have to look at my friends and tell them they've lost loved ones, or they are the loved ones lost, that I won't be able to sit and smoke my pipe all day.
Hell, my lungs wouldn't be able to take it
and there's no buts to that.
Just is.
So, smoke 'em if you got em.
I'll save mine for scotch in cigars if I get saddled with the responsibility.
And trust my friends to tell me when it's safe.
Outside of that, all I can do is keep going, keep telling stories, teaching those that listen, and learning from those that teach.
Stay Safe
Edit :
Was talking about Warhammer with some folks.
About how much the armies cost in money and time to be able to play "as intended".
And a young dude goes "So it was pay to win even then?"
It didn't occur to me to give a proper answer until I woke up.
Through all of history, everything has been pay to win.
It's just a matter of if you're paying in time, resources, or sanity. Often times a combination of the three.
See.
Clever.
But fragmented.
I prefer to be able to write the composition down all at once, undistracted.
Anyways....
Something, something, dark side.
Back to work.
