I just finished watching Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency.
Though it is wacky, off the wall, and amusing the Gently in the show was not quite what I imagined the book version of him to be.
That said, it makes me think.
I look at the series, I think of the books.
I think about the "Interconnectedness of all things"
At the end of it all.
I think about the past few months of my life.
I've dreamed this.
I've lived this.
I've experienced it.
It feels like this is the second time.
My brain keeps trying to tell me that I've done all of this previously.
Maybe not exactly the same way, but very close to.
Either that or I dreamed it.
That's the weird thing about the crazy brain of mine that I have.
Not that I am Dirk Gently.
Being bandied about by the Universe and unearthing it's designs.
No.
It comes more from the observation of things.
Seeing things.
I dream so vividly that there have been times in my life that I've looked at the events and said:
"Yep. I told you so."
Except this time is weird.
Usually it's something quantifiable.
Something where I look at someone else in my life and say:
"This thing is going to happen because of this reason."
Their skepticism is understandable.
Much of what I have to offer in the way of information seems outlandish.
Often based on speculation and incomplete information.
But it's like playing chess.
There are only a finite number of moves that an individual can make in a given situation.
You may not know the move the opponent will make next.
But there is a pattern to it.
A finite number of choices to be made.
And that's how my brain sees the world.
Well, arguably, that's how all people's brains see the world.
Some are just more observant than others.
Me, I can't say that I'm more observant.
Just more...
instinctual?
I'm still alive after all.
Holes in my chest.
Broken bones.
Bits that don't work as designed because they broke
or were broke
.
These past few months.
A dream that I had?
Where I saw the places?
Saw the people?
It's weird.
It's kind of insane.
But, because of life, universe, and everything
...I can't help but think.
I've done this all before.
I took the trip before.
I rode that train before.
I came back West before.
Made the marches.
Stayed in the places.
Saw the things
Wrote the things
Applied for the jobs
Enrolled in the classes.
But this time I knew the names of some of the people involved.
Name I didn't know the first time around.
Their stories.
This time I was aware.
Was it coincidence?
Was it the patterning in my brain following a trail I've already walked?
Was it a dream that predicted more than I could have imagined?
Or, the most probable of all of the options.
I'm simply insane.
Regardless of the answer I'll continue to take my notes.
I'll continue to write my papers.
I'll continue to make my videos.
Continue beating down the barriers of academia.
Prove to the world,
Or at least to myself.
That yes.
Yes I can.
Yes I will.
I don't need to be famous.
I don't need to be "right?"
Even with my social awkwardness.
Even with the lack of trust in the people around me.
Even with the lack of trust in myself.
That my research is sound.
That there is quantifiable data to back some, if not all, of it up.
That even if some of the conclusions are mistaken.
Just by asking the questions
the truth can be uncovered.
That there is evidence to show that I am telling the truth.
That my instincts
Often shaped by the trauma and experiences of the past
Are not often wrong.
But after tonight
There are no more games to play.
No more friends to ask for help.
No more time to waste.
Either I pull myself together
get to work
get to school
write my papers.
Or I don't.
Either way.
The people that I left behind.
The people that I trusted.
The people that I counted on.
Did not trust me.
Didn't think I would come back.
Funny that.
I followed the clues.
Followed the investigation.
Followed my instincts.
And they lead me back here.
And at the end of the day.
All I can really say is that.
I did my best.
I did it my way.
Because every time I tried to do it "their" way.
I was harassed.
Discriminated against.
I turned the other cheek.
Bitched about it in the moment.
Complain about it from time to time.
But turned the other cheek.
Walked away.
Found a different rout.
Some would say "Let them get away with it."
Some would say. "Ran away."
Some would say "Didn't stand up for yourself."
But the truth is.
You surround yourself with the people you want to be like.
And at the end of it all I just wanted to be me.
And when I was younger the world tried to cover all up.
And me.
The me deep down inside.
Is a writer.
A commentator.
An investigator.
Some one that has loved and pursued both men and women.
But now.
I pursue no one.
The only thing I have left.
The only thing of value.
Is my art.
My writing.
and Me.
All I have is me.
My cat, dead years ago.
My family, can stay away.
My friends.
ha, ha, ha.
You have to be a friend to have friends.
And frankly.
I don't have those.
I am not one of those.
The only thing I have are colleagues, former colleagues, students, and teachers.
I had a partner once.
Or twice.
Maybe a few times
But they're not here anymore.
Not in my life anymore.
Written me off.
Cut me off.
Let me walk into danger without backup.
They wouldn't walk the streets at night with me.
Wouldn't live in the "Bad" neighborhoods with me.
Wanted to stay "Safe"
Didn't want to follow the path with me.
But the truth is.
There is no "Safe"
There is just this world.
There are just the people in it.
And me?
I walk in it.
I explore it.
I observe it.
The good.
The bad.
The scary.
The beautiful.
To me.
There is no ugly.
Just potential.
Maybe I'll find that partner some day.
The one that will fight by my side.
Not hide behind me.
Not expect me to hide behind them.
Not two converging paths with different goals.
Two walking the same path
With the same goals.
Willing to take the paths less traveled.
But until them I keep on keeping on.
Not trying to take over the world.
Not trying to save it.
Learning from it.
Healing it in small ways as I move through it.
Maybe I never will find that partner.
It's probable.
And with the events of the past few months.
With the way the world views me.
With the way I view the world.
Likely.
We'll see.
I'll see.
Until I don't.
Until then.
I'll stay safe.
Or at least as safe as the world around me.
And after I've written my papers.
After they're published.
After someone other than myself has read them.
I'll go back to the original plan.
Or the plan I've been following.
I'll march into warzones.
Some people think you need to go to the other side of the world to do it.
But the truth is
For most people
For me
For people like me
All you have to do is walk out the front door.
Go around the block.
Maybe there are not bombs being dropped.
But there are guns in the street.
There are killers in the shadows
There are drugs
And until I can't take it anymore I'll stay where I am.
Then.
After I've paid my debts.
Worked off the credit cards.
I'll take what I have left.
Throw or give it away.
Then go to another part of the world.
Find another warzone to sit in.
To observe.
To try and help.
To write about.
To report on.
And even if no one's reading.
or traveling with me.
I'll lend a hand.
I'll lend an ear.
And maybe.
Maybe I'll be able to sleep at night.
