Ripping out the Heart

With no one willing to invest in a downtown business.
Unable to secure loan sizable enough to give breathing room to get a home business going, or any loan at all at this juncture.
School Financial Aid looking like it will not come through in time, if at all.
And the only jobs hiring that has contacted me back being minimum wage employment.

I look at what I have in storage. 
Look at what may still have some resale value.

And the video games collection looks back at me.

I invested in the comics and sold them for a fraction of their worth.
Curated a research library and gave it away. 
Spent thousands and countless hours on cards to sell them for pennies on the dollar.
The multi thousand dollar role playing collection of tiles and miniatures was left behind because my partner didn't want to open the shop with me. 

The damned shop.


I've outlined the model for it.
Talked to people that I've trusted about it.
Recruited and Kept tabs on those I think could fill the needed roles.
And at the end of the day.
Nothing.
That's the thing man. 
"The Shop"
"The Guild Hall" as I want to call it.
There's nothing out there like it.
And, that's the funny part man. 
"The Guild Hall"
Man, whatever, a pipe dream.
A retirement plan for a retirement that isn't happening.

I say "let's do the thing, make it the destination."

And as time slowly runs out on being able to keep a roof over my head I realize I have to let it all go.

First the tech. 
Posting the gaming collection except my most current iterations for a quarter of what it's worth, much in the way the comics and cards were sold.

I posted the first ad for that this morning, to be updated as I open the boxes and take full stock of what's in there. 

Then the Stereo. 
A hodgepodge of speakers old and new that I cobbled together and found a quality amp for.
Hundreds of feet of speaker wire, and a few odds and ends to help spread the sound over several rooms. 
It doesn't look like much, but when it's set up and EQed it rivals the movie theaters system.
However, living in an apartment or a dorm, or what ever small space I end up in won't support such a robust soundscape.
And not finding anyone  to go in with me on opening a shop or work space in a location I'm comfortable with, just more things to collect dust.

After that, the tools and crafting supplies.
The Sewing machines, the leather tools, the hand tools, everything else I've learned to craft and build with.
Again, without a shop.
With out a place to spread out the projects that won't clutter my living space or get dust and debris everywhere.
What the hell is the point of keeping them, other than to store them.


From there, all of the toys, posters, pictures, maps, and paintings, treasure chests and everything else. 
Most will be thrown away. 
They were all meant to be displays and chotskies  for the shop wall when it came together.
Hundreds of linear feet of displays, figures, and maps.
With current jobs available to someone with my background I'll be lucky to get 600sqft of living space with the income offered, let anything resembling crafting space. 


Then, finally, the cosplay and photo supplies. 
The Costumes, the prop weapons, all of the things that I thought I was going to need to work and train as a stunt man. 
Shit, work your ass off, literally and the only thing I have to show for it is some pretty pictures that I, or friends took and never actually being paid to do the thing for a production.  Just a handful of live shows and demonstrations. 

Hell, again, can't open the shop, can't have a dojo without space to move in.
Can't get the space without investors or interested parties.

"Get out and Sell yourself." 
Tried that ass holes. 
That's why I was askin' other people to help. 
When I try to sell myself my shyness takes over.

Anyways.
 Not the point.
Point is I've spent my whole professional life working for other peoples shops.
Selling other peoples stuff.
Talking up other peoples skills.
And at the end of it.

All of the garbage I've collected in a vain attempt build a dream "isn't valuable enough" to be considered collateral.

The unique set of skills I've cultivated "Isn't what we're looking for."

The projects I've spent my life working towards

"You're just not a candidate" 
"We have better options."
"Your medical needs interfere with our attendance policy." 
"Your appearance makes people feel uncomfortable"
"You don't have a degree in that."
"You need to apply online."
"That's all we can offer you."
"Your truth conflicts with our beliefs"
"You're just not worth that much."
"Sorry not interested."


In the mean time.

I'll be in my little hole.
Writing.
Training.
Playing the odd game here and there.

And going to work.

Because I've got to pay the phone bill, pay for school, and keep a roof over my head. And even if the work available doesn't offer enough to do that right now.
 I at least have to try.