One thing that I'm slowly starting to realize about myself and the world around me is that I am very socially awkward.
Having spent most of my time in my youth bandying about in the nether reaches of the cyber space my in person social skills could use some work. Couple this with having come from a family of very...robust personalities...and you have a guy that in person is quiet and painfully shy, fighting chronic pain, and less than confident in their verbal sparring abilities. That's why during most social situations you find me sitting off to the side of most conversations nodding politely, offering information that is usually on topic, but usually to soft for most of the people around me to hear.
"But you seem so outgoing." You say.
Kinda.
It's the Theater's fault.
In the Theater world I learned to project confidence even if I am not entirely confident in myself. So if it's a topic I'm well versed in, or I have a task of some sort I'm able to maintain a level of confidence and self control that give the illusion of an extroverted personality. This usually works well in work situations. Usually, finding topics of work grounded conversation help me to be more social and interact with the people around me.
But I am by no means outgoing.
When I really think about it, most of the romantic relationships I've had in my life I was the one that was approached first. The few small exceptions to this involve cyberspace or liquor. And I've given up drinking and no longer see the digital realms as a viable dating option for me.
Mostly because I feel that the ability to communicate in a typed manor as dexterously and verbosely as I am able to gives a false sense of my in person abilities.
Yes the mental gymnastics are still there.
Yes all of the big words and crazy concepts are still rattling around in the brain pan.
And yes I still have sharp witted things to say about most topics.
But the problem is that the sharp wit and tongue are here. In the written word.
In the real world I have a much harder time communicating in an understandable way.
Mostly because the thoughts and witticisms die long before they reach my lips. Usually deferring to someone with more social grace and skill to hold the conversation.
What can I say, years of sitting in near total silence for days, sometimes weeks, on end and only communicating like this, digitally, and you might get some small understanding as to why I am so socially awkward in what most people view as normal social situations.
But I'm learning. And with the help of people, that either for love or money, are inexplicably helping me sort through all of this.
A small change since I've actually reached out for help this time around. My usual M.O. being that of the person that slowly fades into the background and then slips out unnoticed by the populous at large.
For some reason though I couldn't do that this time.
Maybe it's because the life I have built with the insane woman that keeps helping me sort through all of this means more to me than slipping back into a semi lonely obscurity. Maybe it's because I'm done running and hiding and want to face down the past once and for all. Or maybe, just maybe, I did things right in the past and the future is not so bleak a portrait as I've painted it. Maybe a little bit of all of them. We'll see.
All I know, is that I couldn't turn my back on this life.
What was, is past.
What is, is the end.
What could be...
...actually has me curious and somewhat hopeful
We shall see where life goes.
Where ever it takes me next, or wherever I'm able to steer it, at least I know that doing the right thing is worth it.
Even if the right path is often the more terrifying and difficult one.
Even with all of the hardships...I like to think I'd do it all over again. Maybe make the right decisions sooner if I had the fore thought...but then again if I hadn't experienced life the way that I did...I wouldn't have the perspective on it that I do now.
Are you curious as to that that is?
Me too.
I'm just starting to see the world from this new perspective.
It's discombobulating. That's for sure.
Hopefully, though, that is temporary.
