Having a safe space is important.
There are a lot of "conservatives" out there that get down on "snowflakes" for being too sensetive and wanting their "safe spaces" but here's the truth of it.
A safe space is necissary to maintain a healthy mental and physical presence.
There is not place so dangerous to any creature than the watering hole.
However, there is always somewhere to go, even in the wild. A nest, a den, a pack, a herd, a place of safety.
So what happens when there is no safe space to go?
Like for myself.
When I was younger, the only safe space I really and truly had was the digital space.
Home being a constant barrage of "Alpha Personalities" constantly trying to prove who was more Alpha>
A school system that viewed homosexuality and racial difference as much as the problem as the abuse that happened towards members of these groups.
A work world that was dominated by gender politics and classism.
And then the rest of the world realizes the interent exist and the natural evolution of the world takes the last bastion of solace I had.
The digital eco systems that used to alow a sense of peaceful escape through writing, games, (video didn't hold such a hallowed place in the diital realm until recently) meeting people from places all over the world,
In short, a weird Star Trek like Utopia where the Cardassians were internet trolls and Klingons were C.O.D. gamers.
"Well you were just hiding in anonmymity."
Not really.
I have never really been shy about who I am.
I used to journal a lot, but then realized that I had no privacy there.
I used to keep digital files of all of my writings. But they weren't safe on disk either.
Honestly, reflecting back on the events of my life, I question if I have ever had any sort of real privacy or solitude since I was a kid.
Probability tells me that I'm just overly paranoid after decadees of social isolation and physically distancing myself from all except a handful of people.
When I was younger, the only safe space I really and truly had was the digital space.
Home being a constant barrage of "Alpha Personalities" constantly trying to prove who was more Alpha>
A school system that viewed homosexuality and racial difference as much as the problem as the abuse that happened towards members of these groups.
A work world that was dominated by gender politics and classism.
And then the rest of the world realizes the interent exist and the natural evolution of the world takes the last bastion of solace I had.
The digital eco systems that used to alow a sense of peaceful escape through writing, games, (video didn't hold such a hallowed place in the diital realm until recently) meeting people from places all over the world,
In short, a weird Star Trek like Utopia where the Cardassians were internet trolls and Klingons were C.O.D. gamers.
"Well you were just hiding in anonmymity."
Not really.
I have never really been shy about who I am.
I used to journal a lot, but then realized that I had no privacy there.
I used to keep digital files of all of my writings. But they weren't safe on disk either.
Honestly, reflecting back on the events of my life, I question if I have ever had any sort of real privacy or solitude since I was a kid.
Probability tells me that I'm just overly paranoid after decadees of social isolation and physically distancing myself from all except a handful of people.
Now, after a year of living mostly by myself I realize that the only thing I really know is service to others.
Every time I walk out the front door it is a struggle to not want to stop and help every person I see get where they're trying to go.
Every time I turn on the news I'm trying to find solutions to problems that most would think have little to no effect on my day to day life.
Every time I walk out the front door it is a struggle to not want to stop and help every person I see get where they're trying to go.
Every time I turn on the news I'm trying to find solutions to problems that most would think have little to no effect on my day to day life.
now, the closest thing I have to a safe space is this blog and the random videos I post. If for no other reason that people pay so little attention to them that it's almost the same as writing in a private journal sometimes.
But not the same.
But not the same.
IRL I don't know how to be "off." Constantly fighting a balance between hyper vigilence and social anxiety. Trying to get partners and others in my life to understand me while I struggle to understand them.
The real fight, and ther real problem is trying to figure out how to simply exist and being comfortable in my own skin while finding a source of income that will alow me to exist in my physical reality while allowing me to explore my mental boundries.
It's funny, this whole Pandemic protocol of social distancing and things makes me laugh a little. The rest of the world has had a taste of what it's like to live my life for the last few months and the strains of the isolation isn't getting to me, seeing others struggle with the way my existance is, has made me feel both hopeful and spiteful.
Hopeful because I feel like my existance has been, justified, I guess in some fashion seeing others struggle with the isolation>
Spiteful because the people that are crying the loudest about having to take care of themselves and mind their own buisness are the very same people that would degrade others for struggling to do just that while being harrassed.
Just deserts I guess.
In the mean time, I sit over here in the wreckage of countless lives trying to manage the sadness, let go of the spite, and hold on to the hope.
Stay Safe
