It amuses me to a degree how much people talk about social distancing and things.
Running an experiment on Tik Tok, using myself as the test subject. Much as I tend to do in most of my experiments about the ins and outs of social media.
The funny thing is that as long as I'm doing the cute dances and all of those sorts of things I get a lot of interaction and that sort of thing.
However when I post my own work, my own writing, my own poetry I get like zero interaction.
I get racist people thinking I'm one of them because of how I sound and trolls out to just mess with me.
Then there's the wounded puppy people.
That see someone that's lonely and hurting and thinking that they can fix or make me feel better.
The truth of it is that I'm all three of those things.
The wounded individual reaching out for human interaction, the poet and writer struggling to have their voice heard, and the nerdy funny person telling jokes and playing along in hopes of brightening peoples days.
That's the thing though my friends.
Social Media isn't built for that sort of thing.
When people view an account on social media they expect the same thing over and over.
Which I do, to an extent.
But as I've said several times on there, my tik tok posting is an extension of this blog. A, closer to real time, version of it at any rate. I can type all day long and post my words as I have done for years and get zero interaction or support.
Where as if I stick to the "script" on a platform like Tik Tok my marginal looks and ability to mask gets attention where as my raw, realism, and emotion tends to draw trolls out of the woodwork and deter people I would like to learn from.
It's frustrating, that using my own voice and words tends to be so looked down upon.
This is why I struggle with depression and thoughts of adequacy as much as I do.
That my work, my representation doesn't really mean much in the larger spheres of influence.
I'll be honest though, I've never set out to be famous.
Paid and comfortable is always a goal.
I think that's a goal for everyone out there.
However, I've been writing my own stories, my own poetry, my own scripts since I was in the second or third grade and beyond people pointing and saying "it's so long, there's just so much to read" the rest of it just goes largely unnoticed and under the radar.
I've seen a little traffic pick up on here since making it known that the blog exists on tik tok but still no interaction, no likes, no comments.
Nothin'.
"Send letters to publishers" I'm told.
And I say...na. That's okay.
If my words were actually interesting and/or worth reading then the people that were gas lighting me about them would have shared these posts and encouraged others to read them. Rather than me running around like a kid with a new toy going "look, see how shiny it is?"
At the end of the day the only thing people have wanted me for is my labor and my body or the things that my labor and body provide.
Well I'm sorry, my body is quite done with being exploited for little to no compensation.
My writing and my words are what I want to focus and continue to produce.
So that's what I've been doing.
Writing, editing, drafting, trying to get people to notice it.
But at the end of the day either my writing is terrible or I am.
"Hey, here's my heart. It's battered and scarred and held together with bubblegum and string."
"Oh, you're not cute, fit, and you don't pander to my needs and I can't say I'm being altruistic by supporting you, I don't really feel it."
"Oh, okay, well it's what I got, and it's all I've got to really offer."
"That's pathetic."
"Ah, thanks, anyway...have a nice day."
"you going to post anymore funny videos today or play a game for me to watch?"
"Are you payin?"
"No."
"Oh, then no. I'll do them when the mood strikes me but not for you, for me."
"Oh, well, fuck off then parasitic prick."
"Right on."
"Looser"
"Yeah."
"Kill yourself"
"Tried, but it didn't take, so you're stuck with me."
"Try again."
"Na, my presence annoys you, so at least it passes the time."
That's kind of the bulk of my social interaction on social media.
I mean, there's a few positive folks out there and I try to focus on that. Or on those people.
But I've never really been one of the "cool kids" just me. the weird goth kid that writes stories and tries to figure out why in the hell all of these things happened and works towards finding solutions even if no one is listening. Because, lets' be real, maybe some one will stumble on these writings and things after I'm gone and they'll find some sort of positivity in them. Or at least...I don't know.
Inspiration not to be like me.
Yay.
