Lighter than a Feather

 "Jack, what was the first thing you ever produced?" 

Ah. 
Funny question that.
But I'm glad you asked because it needs talked about. 

I don't remember exactly what year it was. 

I'm pretty sure it was after Mac took over though.
No offense to the previous teacher but they were under so much pressure to "be strait".  Combined with students running around calling him slurs at a school that didn't punish for that kind of thing that most of his stuff was so safe it was borderline infantilized. 

The class was split into groups of 3 and had to come up with an original sketch to perform by the Next class I think, maybe the week.
I don't know if Mac did it on purpose or if we just kind of gravitated towards each other but one thing that we all had in common was that we had eating disorders.  

I was a binge eater. 
Still struggle with it to be honest but as I've gotten older and given much less of a shit about what people think and the side of neck comments often directed vaguely to no one in particular it's not a struggle, just need to remind myself to eat.  My ability to recognize hunger in myself is still fucked because it falls into the realm of the "normal" amount of pain and fades into the background.

"What's binge eating Jack?" 

It's where you starve yourself for long stretches and then because your body is so starved for nutrients your body ques you to over eat to compensate. 
Entering wrestling before I hit my major growth spurt and then fighting to keep that "good weight class".
Clothes gifted that were always for a child sized version of myself that never fit but I wore anyways because "tight pants are fashionable" 
"Family and Friends" body shaming pretty much anyone that didn't fit into that mold. 

I tell you what. 
I'm damn proud of my belly.  
Because it's a sign that I'm eating healthy. 
Or at least much much healthier since I quit drinking 8 years ago. 
I earned this fucking belly. 

After someone starves themselves for any period of time, when their body starts receiving  proper nutrition it over compensates. Stores extra fat incase they starve again.  
That's why you see a lot of blue collar workers with bellies but could easily put power lifters to shame with their strength and make marathon runners envy their stamina.
But that's the thing. 
They...
We work our asses off. 
Almost never stopping to eat so when we do get to eat our body puts a bit extra on em so they can make it through the long days without lunch breaks. 

That's right kids, if you don't eat healthy and want your body to literally start boiling your brain in your skull, you too could be "super model" thin!

Binge eating literally makes someone actually gain more weight in the long term.
Hell all of the disorders do. 
 
It's been almost 20 years since I was able to start managing this. 
Dealing with body dysmorphia, especially when working alongside models and the like. 
I remember when I was starting to spiral. 
After doing the analysis on what a  post Obama presidency was going to look like. 

On that point I wasn't wrong.  
The only prediction that hasn't come true yet is one we're still 3 years away from. 
But, that's not what this post is about. 

The spiral, I saw coming, I tried to talk to my partner at the time about it. 
Asked them to go to couples counseling. 
Not because I thought there were problems between us specifically, but because I needed someone to act as a translator, in a space where my partner would feel safe talking about the dark parts and we could come up with some sort of plan together to keep me eating and not feeling so isolated. 
But I wasn't able to say all of that. 

Instead I just said "we should go to couples counseling" with zero context. 
They said No. 
I can't blame them, they had just as traumatic experiences with the health system as I had and me saying that probably made them feel like I was going to try and take away their autonomy. 
So I spiraled. 

There's a video I go back to sometimes from that time, as a warning to myself. 
I was 130 pounds on a frame that should be at a healthy 190ish. 
Hell, over this last year I was able to go from about 250 to that target 190, but have been actually been gaining weight from maintaining and rebuilding healthy musculature.

No more spirals Jack. 

"You're abusing marijuana" is what they tried to say I was doing when they put me in those grippy sox. 
"I was like, na.  I'm half starved and dehydrated.   The Marijuana is the only things that keeps the tics from being so severe and lets my thoughts have a more coherent organization."

"Wait?  Getting high helps your thoughts organize?"  
"Kind of but not really." 

Tourette's manifestation is similar in function to a seizures.  
A misfiring or over firing of certain parts of the brain. 
It's disruptive to your thoughts.  
THC doesn't "cure" anything. 
Much the same way it doesn't "get rid of" pain.  

Asprin is a deadening agent. 
Blocks the pain. 
You have to be careful when taking aspirin not to make an injury worse because you won't know you did until it wears off. 
Regular use combined with regular drinking can cause Ulcers. 
Like it did with me.
I quite drinking because I got an Ulcer. 
Simple as that. 

Ibuprofen is a muscle relaxant and anti-inflammatory.  It doesn't cure pain, it just releases tension and reduces swelling and can destroy your liver if you take to much of it. 
Same as drinking.

What THC does, is that it attaches it's self to the most active neurons. 
Pain receptors in people with chronic illness. 
Epileptic centers in the brain. 
The places causing tics in Tourette's. 
CPTSD triggers in survivors. 

And acts as kind of a blunting of those neural impulses. 

Imagine a wave crashing against a rock. 
  The wave being a tic, or a seizure, or your pain. 
The THC is a rock and you're standing behind it. The water still slams into the rock as it would before but it turns it into sea spray that sends out a mist getting everything around the rock wet, but the person behind the rock is safe from the wave crashing into them. 

There's a double edge to that though. 
The impulses don't just go no where when the THC inhibits them it sends them into the surrounding area of the brain. 
Or rather areas connected the electrical impulses being inhibited. 
That's the high effect.
The minor hallucinations.  
It can be fun, it can be silly. 
It can unlock repressed memories. 
0.<

THC doesn't get rid of these things. 
The issues. 
It just, helps them become more manageable. 

And, when I learned all of this 28 years ago. 
 Because I'm obsessive about research. 
I came up with a crazy idea.

I hypothesized that THC could have positive effects for neurodegenerative conditions like Alzheimer's. 

Basically by the THC shunting the impulses from active neurons to surrounding ones and creating a Frankenstein like effect to them it could, even if for just a few minutes, bring back what was. 
Like a musician who's forgotten themselves stepping on stage and being pitch perfect. 
  
I won't go into the full details of the study here and how my research team was able to go from "Legal for only medical use" in 2 states to federally decriminalized and legal in some form in all 50 states. 
Hell I don't know if I could ethically present all of the findings. 
I'm just Subject 0 in that study. 
My study, sure, but still Subject 0.

Never ask someone to do something you're not willing to do yourself. 

If you're still under 25. 
I don't recommend touching that stuff unless you do have an underlying condition that a medical professional prescribes it for. 
Your brain is still in neurological development and I can't speak to the full effects it has before puberty and the effects on the developing brain. My study was focused on neurodegenerative disorders in the aging and elderly. 
And from what I've seen it's incredibly promising. 

Anyways...what was I talking about again? 
Oh yeah. 

The first thing I produced. 
The three kids with different eating disorders that stemmed from incredibly similar origins. 

The little skit was about a child being able to talk to their parent about their disorder. 

A simple skit that helped us realize we weren't alone in our fight. 
 To see beyond the abuse that drove us to believe our only self worth was in being "skinny". 
What ever the fuck "skinny" means.

"Three little birds....where on my doorstep..."