Dear Terry

 "Hey Jack, didn't you say you have a cane." 
"Yeah." 
"Why don't I ever see you using it.  You do all these videos with the swords and the punching, and whatever."
"Yeah, there's a reason they're only a minute or two long usually."

I don't need the cane all the time. Just on bad days and the best days.  And that's why most of those videos are only a minute or two long. 
Hell, some days just getting back and forth to the bathroom feels like I climbed a fucking mountain. 
Can't let anyone see though. 
Committed to the bit as the fellow kids say.


That Scottish sword.  
Silly little wooden thing I got for the hike up the hill. 
They took it from me at Security heading back to the States. 
"Sorry sir, can't let you take that through." 
"Oh, yeah, sure. Just uhh...do me a favor, make sure a kid gets it.  I don't want it to go into the trash." 


Kind of my life's story. 
Find something that helps, but then,  because it's "not normal" it's taken away. 
Then I'm left limping along, having to work ten times as hard just to do the "normal" stuff. 
Do I get paid ten times as much for it? 

Ha. 
There's a reason I haven't filed the disability paperwork. 
Social Security only last so long, and even though I live on little now I don't let myself receive more because I don't want to get used to having more.  Just to loose it when even the climb to the bathroom becomes too much. 

I almost did, right before coming back to Kansas. 
Filed the paperwork that is. 
All I had to do was sign the release of medical records form. 
Did the interviews, the doctors visits, the psyche evals. 
The whole nine. 
But doing that means I have to admit that I'm...well. 


One in the chest below the right clavicle. 

Take your left hand place your index finger just under your left floating rib on you back. 
Now, take that same finger and place it just under the crook of your armpit on the right side. 
Trace a line between those two points. 
Eight shots. 
Almost all went strait through.
"Holy shit dude."
"You should see the other guys."

Now, take my hat off and look at the hair line.  Speckled like Vitiligo where the skin of my scalp was patched back together. Dunno if it's the plate or the way the bone healed but when my noggin get's cold it feels like a vice grip squeezing my skull. Don't underestimate the value of a good beenie.
"What did that?"
"Baseball Bat." 
"Did you hit em back?"
"Tried, but I was tied to a chair and having my nails ripped out. Dude got so mad at me making fun of him while he did it he couldn't stop him self."
"Seriously?" 
"What can I say?  I'm calm under pressure, on edge when I'm not, and really good at pissing people off." 


It's why you never see me without a shirt or a hat.  If I don't tan the scar tissue doesn't stand out.

Bad knees. 
Pidgeon Toes that drag when I get tired. 
My feet are naturally at 10 and 3 on the clock. Left foot pointing at 3 and right food pointing at 10. 
"But you walk so naturally."
"Marching band for 4 years.  I literally just do the ball, step, heel.  Left knee has extension issues from dragging when I'm fatigued and the right one from taking most of the weight all of the time." 

Hip that likes to pop out of the socket if I sit to long in the wrong position.  From getting hit by a car I think.
"You think?"
"Yeah, been hit by cars a few times.  A couple on accident but mostly people were aiming at me. I'm pretty sure the hip things been an issue since I was a kid.  Yeah, actually now that I think about it I've had this problem since at least middle school."
"Why would they be aiming at you?"
"Living in Proud Boy land during 45, being a boy that liked kissing boys in the 90s bible belt, just ass holes being ass holes seeing a bike on the road. Take your pick."

Herniated disk in the lower back.
"What, from lifting a car or something?"
"Na, just being turned loose as a kid with too much energy on a trampoline and not stopping until I couldn't jump anymore.  Happened in like 2nd grade I think.  I dunno.  I just remember hanging from a branch the next day trying to make it stretch out and not hurt after the neighbor asked why I was walking funny. Likes to hurt it's self if I run or jump too much in a single go.  Makes for some really rough mornings sometimes."

Separated left shoulder.  It's not so bad though.  Bit of mobility issues but I do PT for it almost every day to keep it mobile. 
"PT?"
"Physical Therapy.  I have a routine I do before I even get out of bed to check the mobility and stretch things out. So vital and ingrained in me I can even be half asleep and still do the stretches.  Ankles, wrists, knees, elbows, shoulders, hips, neck.  Good days I can be up and moving in about 15 minutes. 
Bad days I sound like a primal creature trying to escape a trap."
"Neck?"

"Yeah, got dropped on my head during a wrestling match against a really good wrestler.  Not their fault, was just a bad fall.  I was out for like a second or two"
"And that left you with neck issues."  
"Yeah, if I don't stretch my neck properly in the morning I can't look to the left.  On bad days even the stretches don't help." 

Nerve damage in the left hand. 
That's new.  Happened this year.  Ass hat at work got impatient and my hand got caught in the steel beam when a bolt was taken out. 
Bones healed and I can hold weight in it again, but mother fucker if it doesn't hurt when something rolls across the back of my hand the wrong way.
It's why I haven't posted any training videos this year and only went to the fair once even though I had a season pass for volunteering. 
Should probably get an x-ray done to make sure I set the bone properly.

"You set the bone yourself?"
"Yeah, I always do."
"Always...?"
"Yeah.  I always patch myself up.  Man...you should have seen the look on the paramedics face when they realized the duct tape was the only reason I hadn't bleed to death yet."

Few other beatings here and there, handful of scars that are mostly superficial. 
"What about the one on you wrist.  Are you comfortable talking about that?"
"Oh, fuck yeah dude. Happened when I was like 2 I think.  Climbing on a sheet metal shed and it got caught on the metal. Watched the doctor stitch it up like he was showing me how to tie my shoes."
"So it's not from a suicide attempt." 
"Nope, but the dealers that thought they had found an easy mark assumed it was."
"So you've never attempted suicide before?" 
"Ah...That question."
"It's okay if you don't feel comfortable talking about it." 
"Na it's cool. Only once though. During recovery after all the surgeries to put me back together.  Couldn't talk to anyone about it at the time and I was in so much pain that it made even my worst days now seem like a good day.  Imagine that.  Pushing yourself through PT, pulling yourself back together one piece at a time, with no one there to help. Luckily the pills weren't as strong as I thought they were and just had a really long nap and woke up dehydrated. I was so pissed. But here I am now."
"Do you still think about it?"
"Oh...you don't grow up me and not think about that kind of thing. Hard not to sometimes. But when it's at the worst, on the bad days when my entire body is so flooded with pain all I can do is curl in a ball wait for it to pass,  I just tell myself:

'If you give up now then you can't keep pissing those ass holes off and you'll never get a chance to see the future you've been working for.'

"Do you take any antidepressants or mood stabilizers." 
"That's what had me try to kill myself man. Fucking tranquilizers dulled my wits, made me forget why I was fighting to recover."
"Are you recommending people not take medications?"  
"Oh, fuck no. I'm saying that for me, those prescriptions didn't work and did more harm than good. Either because they didn't have all the information or thought I was lying to try and get pain killers.  This was at the heart of the opioid epidemic after all.  Before meth became the flavor of the week and pill popping was all the rage." 
"Do you take pain killers?"
"Aspirin, Ibuprofen.  Both on a bad day. Some skunky ass weed when I can afford it."
"You advocate for Cannabis."
"When used with proper understanding of it's effects it can transformative and healing. Hell, the only reason it was made illegal in the first place was because of Dupont not wanting to compete with hemp and Jim Crow wanting another reason to beat on black people. True story."
"How did that come about?"
"I became aware of it's use in cancer patients as an anti nausea medication. But I tell yeah, it's almost harder to find good information on it now because of misinformation.  That CBD oil shit is just modern snake oil in my opinion."

"Circling back, you said you use your cane on the 'Best Days' as well?"
"Yeah. When I'm not self conscience about needing one and just let myself exist and be at peace with the world around me. When I'm not trying to pretend I'm not in pain, when I'm most connected with nature."
When I feel safe.
But there in lies the rub.