"You have a lot of toys on the wall there Jack, I thought you only spend money on what you need."
"They're a place holder."
When I was in my 20's I was a pack a day smoker off and on. Stress, the only way to be able to take a break when I needed, oral fixation. Anyway you cut the mustered after I graduated I picked up the habit and it got me through some hard times.
Smoking isn't healthy and it's damned expensive.
When I first moved out to Oregon I was still smoking.
Not as much because for awhile there was a lot less stress.
Before I learned the history of the area and started to see that history reflected in the people around me at least.
"If they wanted to keep the land they should have fought harder for it."
Was a very common attitude and statement I received when talking to locals about it.
Going from Missouri's $2 a pack on average, $5 on the high side if I ran out at work and bought them the gift shop.
To Oregon's $7 a pack for the Native Spirits.
"Native Spirits?"
"Yeah, the really cheap ones, tasted kind of like saw dust."
"Did you have a preferred brand?"
"Eh, Camels usually, Parliaments when I wanted some flavor, and a Premium cherry dipped brand when I went to the club. If someone asked for a cigarette I'd light it for them with a flair and then they'd be tasting cherry's all night. The flavor oil would stick to the lips like ChapStick. What can I say, I was kind of smooth when I was younger and dating."
"You don't date anymore?"
"Man, I haven't dated in almost two decades now. Gone on dates, yes. Had lovers, sure. But dating? As soon as anyone get's to know all of me, not just the dating profile, or the masked for public consumption version of me it never lasts long. When you have chronic pain it's hard to hide it and most people don't like to see it. It makes them uncomfortable."
"And the toys?"
The Toys.
Budgetary place holders for what I would have spent on cigarettes. A physical representation of the money I would have wasted if I hadn't of quite smoking. I actually spend less on those than if I had continued smoking.
And that's not even counting the health complications that would have come with it.
That, and they are all reminders of people.
"Reminders of people?"
"Yeah. I don't do pictures of people for both professional reasons and mental health reasons. Growing up, being made to dress up and pretend nothing was wrong to take pictures. Being forced into this whole "wholesome Boy next door" look just made me really resent portraits in general.
So, when I bought my first Transformer instead of a pack of smokes.
Something to occupy my hands instead of a cigarettes.
A Bumble Bee figure from the first live action film.
I looked at the figure and said
'This one is me.'
So every figure, every toy, every little car represents someone I've helped in some way. A reminder of the stories and the people behind them so that I don't forget them. Each shelf is like a little novella to my memory. Same reason they tell you to put pictures of loved ones up to help with declining cognitive functions.
But Safer for NDA's and protecting the identities of abuse survivors I've helped"
"Abuse survivors?"
"Yeah. You can't work with the public as long as I have, especially with families and children without having to...well...be a safe person for someone going through some sort of horrible thing."
"Being the adult you needed as a kid?"
"Yeah. That."
"After these messages we'll be right back."
